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My client/kid/student with Fetal Alcohol is a master manipulator. They are sneaky. They are always trying to get what they want.

Do you say that or does someone who works with your loved one say it? If so, I’m going to tell you why people with Fetal Alcohol aren’t Manipulating at all.

First, let’s take a look at what the definition of manipulator is in this context.
Definition: To influence or manage shrewdly or deviously. I had a chance to chat with Diane Malbin about this and her definition of manipulation is: Getting what one wants without considering the other person and/or through devious means”.

Now, if that’s what a manipulator is and does let’s take a look at the cognitive steps (what the brain has to do) in order to be a true manipulator. The brain has to analyze, integrate, plan, form concepts, figure out alternative outcomes including how to handle multiple objections from others. It takes an extremely high amount of executive functioning to be a “Master” manipulator, and from what we know about people with Fetal Alcohol is their executive functioning is extremely impaired. If you need a memory jog on executive functioning check a previous blog post, The Difference Between IQ and Executive Functioning.

If someone with Fetal Alcohol was a good manipulator they would get away with it. Your loved one would be living on an island somewhere enjoying their fruits of manipulation. So, if it’s not manipulation then, what is it? And why do we get so upset when it appears they are doing this? I’m glad you asked.

The reason why your loved one can appear to be manipulating is because of needs they have that are unmet… and when the opportunity to meet one of these needs is presented to them they have a very strong reaction to it. While speaking with Diane Malbin about this topic she said something profound, ‘the degree to which you see that perseverance is usually in direct proportion to the degree which they feel incompetent’. Let me explain.

Just like you and me, people with Fetal Alcohol have needs, but because of their deficits, they are unable to meet some of those needs on their own. For example, my foster guy had a need to build relationships. He wanted friends and social opportunities just like everyone else. Well, one place to start would be to look at school for friends. Unfortunately, he couldn’t make any friends at school because of his academic impairments. He was never able to build any relationships at all. What happened most often was that he was alienated by his peers. So, when a perceived opportunity is presented to him to interact with his peer group, he is going to jump at the chance.
Here is another example:

One time my foster guy plows in the front door, eyes wide with excitement asking me to go for a ride with some people he just met not an hour ago at the store. He tells me he knows who they are and that they have been buddies for a long time and the other teens’ parents said it was OK to drive in their car as long as they put gas in it. So, not only did he want to go, but he also wanted 40 dollars. He said that would cover his share of the gas…Well, I know instantly that this is false. I have no doubt that he met some guys at the store, but I am sure when he said gas what he really meant was weed. My natural reaction would be to get upset because I am insulted that he would try and pull the wool over my eyes and mock my intelligence. I mean, does it say SUCKER on my forehead?

What happens is that we get stuck on interpreting the superficial behavior and not the brain. We are unaware of what is really going on of because the behavior clashes with our VALUES and we get distracted. You see, values are beliefs and philosophies that we hold about life. While we were growing up we accepted a lot of the values of those around us until we got older and were able to define our personal values on our own. I remember my parents would often say to me “does it say sucker on my forehead” when I would make an attempt at manipulating them into something that was probably unsafe or silly. I was also taught that if someone was trying to manipulate me it was to mock my intelligence and as if the person is trying to take advantage of me and that it was wrong and bad! Whether the behavior is primary or secondary, we have extreme reactions because our values are so deep rooted that when someone clashes with them, we instantly get upset and want to blow our lid…but it’s in that moment we can’t think or ask the questions we need to in order to prevent the inevitable meltdown or come up with a better solution. In fact, when we get upset because of this massive clash, we dig in our heels and let the power struggle begin and we all know how that ends up.

So, the challenge becomes not only having the ability to take a breath in that moment when “The Clash” happens, but to also figure out another way to meet their needs in a safer and more rewarding way. So, what to do next time this happens?

Whenever I found myself in that situation I would go through this process.

Delay and Redirect. Sometimes if I could delay before giving an answer just long enough, I could think of an intervention strategy to try or hopefully slow down the impulse control. Also, knowing when to pick your battle and acknowledging that it could be so important to him and that he will be stuck on it and there will be no delaying or redirecting. We have to ask ourselves, ‘what are the real risks involved?’

If it’s something they want to do and you know the situation is not going to turn out well,
I would bribe with something better if the situation called for it, ie. wanting to go drive around
with friends he met only hours earlier… I knew my guy wanted a video game really badly and was going to get it for him anyway. So, as he waited for my answer I pretended to get a call from our local video game store and got really excited like I had just got word that my pre-order was in, but I had to hurry before the store closed. By the time we grabbed the game and a bag of chips (had to be ketchup) and headed to a friends house to play, my guy had forgotten all about those other kids. I was lucky to be able to come up with a solution that fast and that worked and I was able to do that by taking a breath and figuring out a solution… not by getting upset and analyzing his behavior.
Moving forward my goal was to figure out what needs he had that weren’t being met and figure out a way to meet them in an environment that was conducive to his growth and education. The more I did that, the less time I spent getting upset.

Interesting... article

Last night was interesting with Brandon I had an a ha moment.   

I had an issue with Brandon.   First of all we were clipping along really well and he was into doing his math "yes I said math", he did have a calculator but he was doing good.  He was doing good until I handed a paper that he had to do.... he went into a tirade.. He started yelling about kids at school and how they talk to him, what his brother had said, and he went off on many different directions.... 

I made him sit and not say a word.  I needed him to think and for me too .  We did.  It turns out he didn't understand his homework assignment, he was confused and it made him feel dumb/studpid.  He is neither dumb or stupid.

As I really listen to him it became more apparent he was worried about going to the wrestling try outs to see if he would like it.  He was nervous and this makes sense.   But looking at this homework assignment that he could not do made him feel inadequate.. so then it floated to being nervous about going to the wrestling try out and it came to a head but without mentioning any of this.  

The real test is finding "what is behind" the child's thought process.

I was given this article by one of the FAS group mothers.... hope it reposts here.

It talks about how a child with FAS doesn't really manipulate but rather how their brains are trained into wanting something and trying to get it.... sad really.  They know they are missing something and they try to fill this void in other ways (or in my child's case... his fear or uncomfortable at going to the wrestling try outs)   I think it is the hard reality they have to deal with but don't know exactly what it is.  This article talks about making friends...

An article worth reading

http://fasdforever.com/fetal-alcohol-manipulation/

 

my turkeys

Oops he did it again

OK

Brandon did it again.  This time he pocketed a small flashlight from a political office that he was at with his dad.  DOn and Brandon went out this past weekend to walk and support a canidate and while doing this they went back to the headquarters.

I found the flashlight under his pillow and asked him about it... he didn't remember.  However, Don saw it and he remember it and talked to Brandon again.  The sad thing is that lately his hands haven't been holding and taking things and now they are again.  however, this time it was at a place "outside" the home.  Even if he found it on the floor, putting it in his pocket.  Yikes

I used to get worried and talked to Don about him finding pens and pencils on the school floor, he thought that was normal and no big deal.  I knew it was a big deal, just didn't know how to articulate it to him (Don).  I read more things about this and how much trouble kids got into this with FAS and issues and how it can escatlate.  Now it has.   Even Don is feeling this.

I worry about Brandon's future.. then I know in my heart he will have a great future.  He is smart but something is troubling him.  I tought spending some time with Dad would be beneficial to him, but I guess not. 

When I asked Brandon why he didn't tell me where he got the flashlight, he really said "I honestly forgot mom."  I believe him.  I think his brain really did shut down and he could not remember because he knew he errored.  I talked briefly about school again this morning and he said he was nervous.

Why?  He didn't know but something about school is bothering him.  Then we talked about his lunch group (a girl had been taking his food) and he said that the VP knew and things were better.  He hates math and does not like the way the 6th graders act in that class.  I looked at his schedule and I realized it was right before lunch.   Or as he said "not before lunch mom, it is recess than lunch"

That is another issue that can get funny and hard.  He had a book he was reading and the other night I asked him to read it together.  He said he was done.  How can you be done?  He said he had finished it because his bookmark was right here.  He then proceeded to find the page (page per page mind you) where his bookmark was....  HUH??  Apparently he finished because he had the bookmark further in the book, and when I asked him if he had noticed that he was missing part of the story?  He said yes but the bookmark was placed here... then he proceeded to take 15 minutes showing and repeating to me where the bookmark was.  I tried to get through to him that it didn't matter where the book mark was he needs to go back and find where he was and could remember and start reading from there.  He was so obsessed with showing me where the bookmark was he could not wrap his brain around where it should be.  Why it was even moved I don't know.  I finally said "yes I know the bookmark was on this page but not on the right page so you will need to go back and re read from chapter 4 (where I knew he was) and read it again."  I acknowledge what he was saying and was able to just "Tell him" what he needed to do because he could not in the mometn understand.  He was not happy but willing to do so.  ...  the thought process is different.  I know this but in these moments a parent has to wonder.


 

getting in the groove

As the previous post stated.  Brandon had been suspended from school for taking a pocket knife.  I still wonder why his fingers are so graby but they are.  So we have been working with him and trying to talk and find out why he is taking trinkets.  As I thought, he does not really know. 

These are not conversations you have with your kids over dinner, these are conversations you have briefly and just here and there.  You have to learn when to talk to your child.

Brandon does not remember well, and yet when he does he won't talk about it.  It is too hard for him to process.  he starts to giggle and laugh and act very childish.  He does this when he is confused, afraid or when he truly does not remember.  He is an eleven year old with a emotional ability of a five year old.  That is truly a very difficult conversation.  He wants to make every thing silly so he does not have to deal with reality.

However, life is in reality and not a comic.  So we have to limit a lot of his life and kept him close to us and have had some talks in reality.  I don't think he realizes what he is doing but that is ok.  We will have to guide him.  Have to talk things through and explain and show what he is doing and how if affects his world around him.  This is not easy and it takes lots of time.  A child can only learn when he is able and not when YOU want them too.  They have to be emotionally ready.  So that is what we need to do, remind him we are here and support him.  Have him feel extremely safe and open to discussion.

How do you lose the emotionaly piece and not have him secure?  I am learning a child with FAS can attach and love and be very responsible.  However, their processing skills are limited and at times when their world is coming apart they don't know what or how to deal with it.  Like many kids, however, instead of having a huge meltdown or crisis they tend to let it fester becasue they don't know it is there.  They feel a frustration mounting but they don't know what it is and then just as quickly it is gone.  They are mad or angry in the moment and then poof they are happy.  They are truly happy.  There is nothing wrong with their world.  So you don't see it.  This is the piece I am trying to learn and be ahead off.  I know he has his triggers but life does not work with anticipating things it happens.  Things happen that you have no control over and that is why a routine and constant reminders help.

I think I have an emotionally healthy child but I don't.  So when this happens we will secure him and slowly over time he will pull away and I hope by writing this I will not forget.  You learn many things by constant repitition, even parenting you need repitition with life to review and guide.

I think this post is for me but I thought I would share.
 

Helping out Dad

Well, we talked about watching the Packer game with my Dad or the boys Grandpa.  I got a phone call after the FAS conference.... he had fallen and had broken his rib.  he was in a lot of pain.  So we came up for the game and hung out with Grandpa.

At 11:00 pm sunday night he decided he needed ER care.  he was in too much pain.  He is not breathing deeply enough to get proper oxygen and it HURTS to take super big breaths and it HURTS to cough.  The two things he needs to do to heal.  So they are keeping him in the hospital until his oxygen levels increase.  Otherwise the next choice is him getting pnomonia.  Not a good option.  So we are taking care of his babies.. two girl dogs that are looking sad without my dad around.  Hopefully they won't trip him when he comes home from the hospital.

It is scarey to see how frail your parent is becoming.  I know and hope that once the pain is not so intolerable he will feel better and not feel old and frail.  It must be scary to lose your spouse and then injure yourself where you need help and there is no one at home to take care of you.  It would be depressing too and I hope and prayer he does not get too depressed over this but strengthens himself more than he has. 

I think after my mom has died he has been stronger and more available to us kids.  I enjoy this but really miss my mom too.  Like with the suspension with Brandon.  My dad said all the right things to me on the phone.  He was very sympathetic and understood my saddness over my child's decsion.  He did not say "oh boys will be boys" he said "I am sorry to hear that for you"  or something like that.  He did not dismiss it as nothing.  I mean my sister laughed when she heard it but my dad did not or if he did he was quite good at listening to me.  He has been very emotionally available to my other sister who is going through cancer journey.  However, she is afraid that once her journey is done and she is going on with life she will not have a closeness or be able to converse with my dad.

I don't think that is true.  I know I really don't have much in common with my dad either.  However, we once were close for a father and daughter when I played tennis in high school and college and I think there is something still there.  It is not as strong but I feel there are times I am still able to understand my dad.  If I lived closer it would be stronger but I live out of town so I don't see him as much as I hope.  Life with my boys is where my life is, they need me.  And the really nice thing is my dad knows this as well because a long long time ago he had to raise three girls and a boy.