life w/boys

silly me

2012-01-16T13:39:00.000-08:00

We are off of school today and the last two nights or three Brandon' has not slept well. So today I felt that maybe having his ADHD meds all the time was keeping him up or lack of sleep because even if they weren't in his system I think they are...

So far we have had an ok day. A bit of swearing and LOTS OF YELLING, do they go deaf when not on meds?

I say silly me because in some way I think he should be able to control himself... and this is very difficult.

Testing the limits

2012-01-09T05:11:00.000-08:00

One thing I have learned about a child with FAS is practice practice practice and patience. My lovely son needs to be in the moment to learn something or routinely go over many times so he understands. He is quite smart but very forgetful and impulsive.

We are learning one of the best tools to help him learn is sitting. It sounds so good and terrible. Yet, going to bed is very difficult for him. He is off his meds so he can't think and he gets very impulsive. So we are now making him sit before bed. Basically to clear his mind. He just sits for 1/2 hour. He is in the kitchen (center of the house) and either Don or I are there cleaning or making lunches for the am. He is free to talk to us and engage in proper conversation but he can't hold a toy or read just sit and talk. And if he can't talk respectfully we do not engage in conversation.

So why do we do this? It makes him work his mind, what is on his mind and how to communicate what is on his mind. Everyone needs sleep but he is afraid of sleep... but not afraid of sleep he is afraid of the new day of going to school, what the next day will bring, how bad was his current day and am I a good boy or bad since I get redirected??? So many thoughts going in so many different directions and how do you deal with them when you can't put them into a category for your brain to digest into proper categories due to a disability that you didn't cause can be very frustrating. Just sitting and thinking about it helps, it helps Brandon learn where to put his frustrations and what is really big and what are things he does not need to worry about.

These are things that don't come out of his mouth or thoughts until he sits. At night time they creep in and it is the best time to talk. Or not to talk. We have been doing this for a week and I notice two very important things.... One he complains about sitting yet every night he quickly and respectfully goes to his chair to sit, there is no arguing no fighting, he is a peace doing this. The second thing is during the day... he makes comments about things we have taught him. One example that comes to mind is Brandon used to come home and swear a lot... very disresptful and the other day I had a moment and said a bad word (twice in a day it slipped) and my son very calmly and patiencely said Mom we do not say those words. Which I had agreeed and corrected myself with the help from my son. He is calmer during the day.

Our morning rituals of getting ready are getting better. He is learning he can make good choices with out meds.... it just takes practice practice practice..

OK I will try - Photos

2012-01-04T11:02:00.000-08:00

I was told to put more photos.... here goes

Lego Police Station

Christmas Morning at our house

Family photo at Grandma's

It's OVer but not done

2011-12-27T07:11:00.000-08:00

Christmas is over but not done. We are now celebrating with all the fun toys the boys received. This keeps our time at home quiet but only for a little bit. Brandon is starting to complain about going back to school and this is really hard. He makes comments that tug at my heart and as you go into this it doesn't seem that bad but I am not there to make that call. Something is happening that he can't wrap himself around to explain. So I will have to make time and just sit with him and find out what is happening when he can explain it better.

Right now he is so overwhelmed with toys and things to do. He can't handle days without purpose. Just to hang and play is lost on him. He needs a routine and direction. So I must make one for him today when he awakes. Right now he is still sleeping... he has a cold and it is affecting him. Which means he is learning how to let his guard down and relax and let mommy take over for him. This is nice, however he still gets quite upset over little things but I am ready to take on the day to help.

Josh has been building his lego's for days. He got the big police station and he is in heaven. I should take a picture and post. I am bad at this, taking photo's and posting them to make the story sound and look better....

Update on Mom

2011-12-22T05:22:00.000-08:00

Well it is good and bad news. The cancer is spreading which isn't good, but they are going to try a different chemo, (which will make her very tired) and hope the tumor will shrink. This is a fast acting chemo that if it doesn't do any good we shall know before the end of January. Apparently when my mom was doing good in late Spring they stop chemo to give her body a rest and more cancer came back faster. A risk you take but it didn't seem such a huge risk at that time.

On another note, my sister just got diagnosed with breast cancer. Crap. Good news is, it was caught early and is stage one and after treatment she will be fine. Lots of test to make sure it is located in one area and has not spread and proper treatment. She is doing great and has a wonderful attitude. This has helped my folks. It has even made my mom seem to perk up and do more so that she will be more available to her. Which is sad that such trauma got my mom going. However, it got her going and worrying about her daughter which I pray will help her.

If you are wondering, yes I get yearly mamograms and have for the past ten years. I do worry but I can't let it creep into my every thought.

On a better note, Josh woke me up this AM at 6:00 because he could not sleep because Santa is coming. He is so excited and nervous. Nervous? I guess anxious and can't wait until the 24th,..... the good part is he is willing to go to bed early so the next day will come. :)

Christmas is coming

2011-12-14T05:53:00.000-08:00

Christmas is coming and the boys are getting excited. It really picks up the holiday cheer for me. My mom is not doing well and it is scary. Today she goes to the doctor and finds out what the test results are. Hopefully it isn't anything horrible becasue they said they would call about it so we can only wait and see. However, she is barely getting out of bed and moving. This is not a good sign. So I am hoping that if she gets news that there is no cancer she will start moving and feeling better. It is so hard to tell.

Meanwhile my boys are so excited for Christmas that they can't contain themselves. Brandon is bouncing off the walls and Josh is doing everything Christmas. It is funny to watch. A bit tiring at times but funny still. They can't go to sleep at night and they can't concetrate on homework and they can't think straight. At least I hope this will settle down as soon as Christmas is over. The sad reality is they really aren't getting what they request..... electronics is not what Santa thinks they need this year.

Daily Holiday Life

2011-12-10T07:36:00.000-08:00

With Christmas approaching, we get pretty busy around here, like most folks. I look at blogs and I see kids dressed up so fancy and smiling faces it is hard to believe many have lots of struggles just to take the photos. but they do and the kids look wonderful.

We are struggling this Christmas but for other reasons. My mother's health is not well. She is in chronic pain from the radiation or arthritis or chemo in her hip. They don't know what is causing it. So last Thursday they took an X-ray to see what is happening. Luckily we have not recieved a call saying the cancer is back and spreading it will be something else since they don't meet with the doctor until Wed. Meanwhile Mom is taking lots of pain meds and living in la la land. Which is hard to watch your parent be so out of it or sleeping in a bed all day with her pj's on. My dad is getting more depressed and struggling to get the strength to carry on. I live an hour and half away and I cannot see them daily. But I am making an effort to go at least once a week. A very depressing time. The sad part is not knowing what is going to happen. so I would like to have the strength of my brother and believe this is just a painful time for her and things will get better. Chemo can do this... but this is our second round. So I wait and try to look for strength... and guess where I am finding it? In my son.

Yes, my difficult son that challenges me everyday. I see a healthy little guy with so much strength that he so unaware of what he has. He can get out of bed and dress and run and play. He can sit still and complete his homework, or a task of some type. My mother cannot get out of bed. How can this make me happy? Because when he can't get dress, because he won't, I simply remind him of what he is capable of and not get angry and he gets dress. He is getting ready in the morning pretty good. We still have struggles, but I have learn to time them and move on. He can do this at school and I hope he will learn at home.

A child with FAS looks at things differently. The other moring his choice was to get his shoes and coat on for school... and then play with his Santa. He chose to play with Santa. When we left he had his shoes and coat in hand and got into the van. As we pull out, we see the Christmas lights are on the Christmas Tree. Josh jumps out of the van to go and turn them off. Since we are now in the driveway the cold air comes rushing in..... Brandon's response to all this by screaming that Josh made him cold... UHM HOW does Josh make you cold? because he is sitting without his shoes and coat. But it is all Josh's fault because he open the door. I calmly remind him that if he had taken the choice of putting on shoes and coat before playing with Santa he would not be cold. This takes awhile for him to comprehend, because in his mind it is Josh's fault. Sadly it is not, but this is a fine line because I don't want Brandon to feel bad about himself or lower his self esteem, I want him to understand that he is smart and needs to learn how to make better choices. A very fine line.

Christmas is coming

2011-11-21T14:31:00.000-08:00

OK not for anothe month but I am getting ready. I hate last minute shopping and the crowds, yet I love going out on black friday. Go figure.

This is also the time of year when we came home with our boys... it will be 10 years. I am very blessed and love to share the joyous news. However, my little boy does not, he is at the age it is no longer a big deal. I know I know from his perspective it is just a reminder for him there is a birth mother that left him and that really bothers him. This makes me sad. I wish he could really see how excited it makes me and happy we have become a family.

Even with difficult times, we are a family. My husband had to go off last saturday night with lots of his frustrations... and some were due to the fact the boys have changed from their sleeping room to their own rooms. The struggles we go through with the changes. But some of these difficulties are not showing because my kids have grown and changed. There are making wonderful progress that he doesn't see but yet he does.

Sometimes, you have to really STOP and see where you have been and where you are going. Brandon has made some wonderful strides lately and the main one is communicating to us some of his frustrations. We gave him some tools to use and I hope he does use them, appropriately. Time will tell.

I am not a push over

2011-11-19T18:11:00.000-08:00

somehow my dear spouse thinks I am a push over with the kids..... currently he is keeping them up to watch wrestling and let one child have a shake for dinner and the other a chocolate milk. I would of said milk or water for dinner, and watching wild wrestling before bed??

I have to have him watch two boys after school and do the homework, clean the house and make dinner before he can really tell me HOW I need to do it. He is a big a push over as me. Not as much but togther I think we make some pretty good ground rules.

For now I would like the kids to go to bed so they can get some reading and get up for church and activities tomorrow.

email

2011-11-16T08:59:00.000-08:00

OK I have sent some emails to their teachers... and hmmmm Brandon's teacher's don't seem to have the time to reply. It is a bit frustrating since this is suppose to be my form of communication. It is not like I email and expect a reply the same day... but a week?

the famous line was said, my child is not the worst of their problems.... so I have to remind them, that he is my child and I have a responsibility to see that even though you don't see him acting out that he is deeply troubled and you are not helping him in thinking his focusing and dysregulation will get better without help??!?!

He is struggling internally. He is an emotionally 5 year old doing a 10 year old work load....it has many challenges.

I can't sleep

2011-11-06T01:53:00.000-07:00

I can't sleep these days... why? becasue I have been working at my kids school as a Para in one of the rooms that happens to be in Brandon's hallway. It was and is a long term assignment. The second week I was working Brandon had a difficult night going to sleep and a LOT of stuff on his mind came pouring out. Needless to say, I stop a teacher or two and had some small chats. I apologized for coming in their rooms and I was told it was and it was ok, not to worry.

Well it really wasn't because I was called in by the vice principle and was told I was not to bother the teachers about my son while I was working. I had to write a note or email like I wasn't in the building. Could I do that or was this going to be a problem. Yes I could do it and no it would not be a problem. However, if you are a teacher and you have a persistant parent or one that does have concerns about their child and you don't like it set a meeting with the parent and make the guidelines. Don't run to the office like a child and complain. I don't know what upset me more, being called it and talked to like a child (that is the way our vp is with all) or the fact that a teacher would not say.. I would love to talk to you but lets make an appt because I have blah blah to do. Because Brandon is in middle school he has several teachers and a resource teachers.. and the ones I spoke with for a brief moment before school said I was not bothering them and it was ok to stop and ask anytime. Why say that when you don't mean it?

I do understand the need not to interupt a teacher and I can respect that. But show a parent that and not run to the office, I think if a teacher had said I will get back to you and then did that is fine, but when they don't it gets confusing. Sorry these thoughts are in my head.

I guess it is because when Brandon's mind is in the middle of something, now is when you deal with it. Talking about it later or bringing it back up, he might not be able too. He can't sometimes so I have to teach in the moment. Trying to get people to understand that can be really hard. There I think I feel better.

halloween

2011-10-30T18:30:00.000-07:00

For boys that don't like to be scared on Halloween I find their costumes a bit amusing..

needing attention in the worst way

2011-10-12T07:33:00.000-07:00

OK so the boys are playing with a balloon and tossing it back and forth... not a big deal right? One has to throw himself on the floor over and over again... why? It makes a sound like a truck is coming through the living room. So I asked them to stop. They continue to play but one is no longer throwing himself on the floor.

It gets to the point no matter what one is doing it isn't right and the yelling and demanding starts... it gets to a point one runs into the bathroom and the other bangs his fist on the door. What do you do?

I have to pack for our trip, clean up the kitchen, wash some clothess.... I don't have time!! So I did what I have been doing for a month. I picked up one child and carried him to the stool in the middle of the kitchen. and set him down nicely... and take the other child by the hand and put him on our step stool in the doorway.. close where I can see them but where they can't see each other. Set the timer for 10 minutes (they are ten). I then start to clean the kitchen and I left for a moment to run upstairs to get some laundry.... heard yelling... set the timer back 2 more minutes. I then continued to clean the kitchen, straighten and some laundry while they were near by. No words just busy myself around them.

The timer goes off..... Me "why are you sitting"
Children "we are banging on the door and getting carried away"

Me "I am sorry your brother upsets you but you have to learn how to deal with him or anyone when they act this way getting aggressive is not a good choice" (this is because this child has biten his brother and has left a huge bruise on his shoulder)

child "I am trying to control my anger but it gets hard sometimes.. (but this is why he needs to practice frustration and learn how to deal with it appropriately)

the conversation goes on on how to do things without getting carried away and why they need reeled in sometimes because their choices become distorted and they make bad or incorrect choices. Why we are learning how to control ourselves etc etc...

So I ask them, do you want to sit all day because we can't make good choices? Or would you like to make good choices and help Mom get ready for our trip to the dells..... What would you like to do?

Help mom... one goes off to clean room, one is finally eating because he is hungry although he decides he is not hungry once food is put in front of him. So I tell him he must eat if he wants to make good choices and leaving food and not eating after stating he is hungry is not a good choice. So he eats his breakfast and goes to clean his room.

Now could all of this been avoided? Yes and no... I guess if I got them up and we discussed what needed to be done we might have started working together... however, I was not ready and I want my kids to be kids so I left them to play for a bit while I got organized and then would need their help. I think at some point maybe over something different they would test the limits no matter what is happening. This is what children do.... are you really there for us. well yes I am.

I think now after a few moments of silence and re grouping we are all ready.

One just finished his room and said he was going to clean the toilets.....

Josh Josh and learning of life

2011-10-07T06:23:00.000-07:00

I never really talk about Josh. Who is he? Just a little boy in my home with the biggest heart in the world. He worries too much about life and it makes me sad. He wants to fix things especially things that confuse him. He is very causious about things... doesn't like change and likes things to be constant. He is struggling right now with wanting to know many things about his birth family and just being in our family. He loves his family and he has spoken many times he does not care about the family that birth him. And yet he does.  Luckily not all the time does he worry about this but now and again it creeps into his mind and he gets sad and confused. I tell him over and over again that it is ok to love them and it is ok to be mad at them. He can get mad at me, right? I am still here but his birth family is not.... however, they are.

I have an address of his birth grandparents that I write to yearly. Just an update and some information and now and again I get a reply. They know Josh is living in America but not exactly where. When I had an inspector find the birth families I offered to send updates if they wished. The grandparents would love it and I could send more than once a year if I wanted. It also turned out that his birth mom and birth sister live in the home as well. Josh knows he has a birth sister that is older but does not know I have written to them. When he is angry and upset with why his birth mom gave him up and not his sister.... I tell him to write about it. He has a good cry and I hold him and then he is done with the birth family talk. This makes me sad for I know I write to the family and I would love it if he would too only if he wanted too. Then I wonder if it would be too hard on him with his big heart. He is still young and very confused. I feel bad for the birth family because they know about Josh but Josh does not really know much about them. I only give Josh the information he wants to know when he wants it. I would love to tell him I have photos of the house his grandparents live (compliments of the inspector) and some of his sister and birth mom but he has little interest, so I can't force. I just hope he won't be super mad when he learns all this... but I basically started to find out more when the kids got older and started asking questions and I stumble upon an inspector in Ukraine who searched.

I knew there would be questions and as a parent I wanted to learn more.  I got some great news for Josh but nothing for Brandon.    Josh birth mom made the decision before he was born to give him up for she knew she could not take care of him with no money and no home. Plus she did have a child so a decision she made was to place him in an orphanage right away. I believe she was at peace with this decision and knew he would find a good home, plus I had learn she did not drink or do drugs during her pregnacy.
However, what we found out about Brandon is just the opposite. The inspector could not find his birth family just the apartment complex they lived in when he was born. It was a place as we in America would say is a "crack" house, filled with drunks and people that floated through life. We have really inspected his birth paperwork and documents and have come to realize that his parents rights to keep him where taken away and he was forced into an orphanage. His birth mom gave up the rights when he was 4-5 months old because she "couldn't take care" but we believe the government step in and took the child away. We also know that she did drink and do drugs while pregnant. What we don't know is really where was Brandon for those few months??? at a hospital because he was left behind? Or living in the crack house being neglected. We don't know but I know he was neglected either way. That is why he is the way he is ... a scared little boy who need constant reassurances.

The sad part of this is when I listen to my boys talk. Josh will tell Brandon that he is lucky because his birth parents didn't give him up right away because they wanted to spend time with him (what kind of life if they did bring him home which we don't know but you can't explain that to a child about the horrors he might of endured to a child just yet) ... Josh thinks that Brandon was lucky because he got time with his family and Josh feels his mom didn't even look at him or kiss him good bye, she just left him. I tell him that I believe she did and that it was a hard decision. Over time he will learn that this is quite common in the Ukraine..but for now just constant reassurances are needed for him too.  Only time and understanding of the world as they get older will help them understand. For now, lots of hugs from Mom (a job I don't mind doing) :)

disrespect better but not gone

2011-10-05T10:11:00.000-07:00

Since we have had our little one just sit with me the last few days.....or month, things are better but we still have a ways to go. If it is not swearing or being loud and yelling then it is something else completely... making noises like banging silverware at the table, making animal noises while others are trying to have a conversation. The list could go on... it can be very frustrating at times. but if we just calmly say we don't need to make the noises and remind him he is a 10 year old and not a two year old we get some compliance. Just a simply reminder his is a 10 year old and we are here for him we know that he is in the room etc... and that we want to have a conversation with another person (his brother, my spouse) but he will have his turn and that it is ok for him to let others converse.

Such simple things to get through a day for some reason he feels he has to alter it. Normal conversations frighten him, makes him uncomfortable which is really sad.. When talked too he can have a very normal conversation and be in the moment and even express his dissatisfaction in a correct tone or manner instead of screaming and yelling and throwing a two year tantrum. All it takes is practice practice and practice...

Times it is tiring and at times.. makes for a better day.

Respect respect respect

2011-09-22T11:59:00.000-07:00

I don't know what happens in the 5th grade... but something does. My son, Brandon has been coming home being very disrespectful.... very disrespectful. I didn't know what to do. Now I know going to a new school is tough and it gets hard... but coming home and yelling and swearing at me did not seem to be the answer.

How do you cope? It got so bad that the week before labor day we had a family meeting. It became aparent the only way to get the kids to understand was to be with us. AT ALL TIMES/ If they could not show us respect they had lost their freedom elsewhere. Josh got it immediately. He stop some of his yelling and tried to do the right thing most of the time. Brandon decided it was time to make it worse. Were we really serious with this. He is learning the hard way or is a good way.

I mean this is a good way to learn for him. He does not grasp some consequences, it is difficult. But basically the last few weeks have been having him sit by us when he is not at school, doing homework, or sleeping. Ok he does get to go to cross country too. He day is getting up and going to school and coming home and doing homework.. then he follows me around until Dad gets home and then he follows his dad. Three nights a week he has cross country so he is out running around and getting good exercise. He does minimal complaining about being by us... a few whines here and there during the weekend so he has been ok to be by us. However, he is still sitting. He has his outbursts everyday after school over something...on a daily basis.. a few times a day. He isn't getting this but I think he is testing how serious we are... to keep him close.

So we have come to realize he does not want out... he wants us near but he does not know how to communicate this. Brandon needs us now more than ever so he is acting out to get unwanted attention so he has to stay near. This is okay too. We can deal with this. he either is not getting it or he is and he is very afraid. So we keep him near. Now we are working on the swearing and finger gestures to keep them minimal. He is getting better. We had a good morning.. last night was good as well.

I see improvement but I don't see enough to set him free. I think when we talked about it being ok to stay with us all the time and learn how to be a family person, how to treat each other etc... he wants it but is still testing. The other night I had him write a sentence that I get a hug instead of anger... he took three tries to get it right.. not the best but I made him write the sentences nicely. The next day he wanted 20 or so hugs and kisses in the morning. So he got them. I am getting exhausted standing over him and trying to get him to see what he is doing but after a few good outcomes and nice moments I will have to press on. He asks now and again for the Wii and when we tell him he is not ready he is not really putting up a fight... he is accepting this.

It is hard to believe a week and a half ago I was crying my eyes out over his disruptions and how to cope with them. I feel more in control of the family and us.... I feel the relationship coming together in a positive way. Yet, I have not lost my focus on him regressing and going into the frustrations.. I am hoping they are spacing out.

He is growing up

2011-09-03T05:01:00.000-07:00

My little guy is growing up and still very much a baby. He wanted to be a crossing guard. In order to be one though you have to have All your homework assignments in and keep your grade average up. He is working on doing this. He has had detention because he forgot to turn in/or finish some assignments but I am hoping this will keep him going in the right track to getting things done for school.

School is in

2011-08-28T18:16:00.000-07:00

We have started school and I think it is going well. Josh seems to like it but is having some social issues at recess. This is a bummer since he loves to be social. However, on the acedemics he likes it very much. But he still wants to go back to his old school next year. He wanted to move sooner but I told him thee was no space at his old school so he is ok with waiting until next year. Then if he still can't go to his old elementary the following year he plans on attending the Middle School. The Academy they are at right now will eventually go up to the 8th grade.  Josh will be going to the BIG middle school.

Josh also received the notice for flag football so he is going to be doing this as well. He will still continue to do cross country on his days off so they can keep him on the roster until we know for sure. He likes to do the running and he is doing great at it. He started with only being able to do a 1/2 mile around and now he is up to a Mile and 1/4. which is great. So I hate for him to give it up and yet he really likes his football.

Brandon is doing well at school. However, there is one teacher that I am worried about. She has a way that I just sort of clash with. Maybe it is the way she says things or maybe I am too sensitive.   I walked in the school the other day and her words to me were "Brandon missed his detention." What my Brandon had detention? Turns out it was for another teacher at recess that he missed the detention.... So why was she telling me this and not the actual teacher?. The teacher that gave him the detention showed me the sheet he needed to do and we talked to Brandon how important is was to get done and he smiled and said he would. We got it done right away.
This other Teacher_ Miss B (give her a name) always has assignments that look HUGE... but when you piece it out it is not that bad. However with a child that becomes so overwhelmed quickly... this is a task. She sent home a 12 page project and wrote Brandon needs to finish. I looked it over and I asked him if he did this in class. He said yes but it was too confusing for him. I think he is afraid to ask for help or does not know how to ask for help.   It was a bunch of maps with different directions on each page. It really wasn't anything difficult but you could barely read some of the maps... so I pulled out ours and we used ours to answer. I have a feeling over time I will be clashing with this person. All his other teachers are on board. Time will tell.

Meeting with Teachers

2011-08-16T09:17:00.000-07:00

I got to meet with Brandon's teachers. They all (but one) seem to be really considerate and trying to understand Brandon's disability. They don't get it, because he does fine in school or as a parent calls it.. holding it together. The meltdowns are for me!! Only me. I think they understood though that Brandon does seem to get a bit lost and confused and that constant consistant repitition is key. I think they will see it more as school wears on. They do see that he is unorganized or that he needs some prompting for task but overall not too out of place. They have more quirky kids at the school.

We shall see over time how this goes. I don't think I explain myself well enough. It is hard for me to express myself with 5 eyes upon me to talk to people. I am not explaining myself here.

I just got off the phone from the kids old elementary school and yes I am going to noon aide over there tomorrow for the first day of school. This should be interesting without my kids there. We did go by the school the other day and well it made Josh cry. He misses some of the friends he had there. I think part of that was he had an issue or problem with one of the kids at his new school and it made things hard on him. It all takes lots of time to figure out. I give it another month and we shall see where we stand at the new school.

We started school!!

2011-08-15T07:09:00.000-07:00

We have had two weeks of school. However, only 3 days in each week. So this week we are going all week. Brandon is having a difficult time with it. His emotional stge is really beginning to show. He is struglling with the other new students but seems to be doing ok with the teachers. This is great. Time to adjust to everything new and see where we go. He likes his new technology class and that is cool, one of the main reasons we are going to this school. I have a meeting today after school with all of his teachers and I hope I feel like I accomplish something. Will post later.

Joshua is loving his new school. I think he really enjoys new challenges. He likes his teacher and he is enjoying the new routine and making his mark. I think he will like it and he even talks about next year!! YEAH

School is starting

2011-07-27T07:07:00.000-07:00

Summer is coming to an end for us. We start school next week on Wednesday. It is a new school for the boys. It is called a magnet school but how correct that is will be seen. I want my kids to go there for different reasons than the acedemics. Granted, the extra time in math and science is great and I think will benefit my kids however that is not all. We have to wear a uniform.

When I first told Josh about the uniform he was excitied. He said "great, then the kids won't make fun of my clothes." REally? kids have been making fun of your clothes? I guess certain T shirts, football teams kids will make their comments known.
Trying to explain to Josh and Brandon to ignore this gets to be difficult. How much do kids have to ignore other kids that are disruptive and have to put other kids down to feel liked. One of the more well liked girls in Josh's class last year would make him feel bad. She just had to say your smile was wrong or his breathe smelled and the kids would ignore him etc. Where as last year, before this girl came he was welled liked. He had lots of friends in class and now not as much. Why did this little girl who is completely adorable and nice and sweet (what I have seen) have to put down other kids? Is she that insecure in herself... it makes you wonder if her parents either put her on a pedasil or make her feel worthless to have this girl make other kids feel bad. She put down a lot of the kids in class than my Josh. So I am happy with the uniform to make this a consistent with all kids... takes off the compitition.

Anyway, the new school is going to be all year school, but have as many school days as the rest of the district. So that means we will have some time off in Oct. and more in Nov. and extra holiday time etc. I am happy for this. We like to travel and go places and these are good times to go cheaper. So that was my first thought. OK so it wasn't academic but my kids need breaks from school. There are so many days in a row kids can go to school and deal with other kids insecurities. My kids need the break to re group and feel special and know that these kids they deal with have the problems. I am hoping with the uniform, a new school with "supposedly" good teachers are hired and told to keep it exciting and the local superindentent is having his kids go there will make a difference. They were hired and told to make the day exciting for the kids and want them to come back. We shall see.

Josh's Birthday

2011-07-21T06:27:00.000-07:00

Good news... we got to celebrate Joshua birthday with minimal fuss from his brother. Last year it was miserable... Brandon could not understand why his brother got things and he didn't, even though he did.

So this year I had Brandon involved in everything for his brother (except presents) and he did really good, quite remarkable. He did have a small melt down once he saw all the gifts but it was short lived. I showed him some photos of his birthday and I showed him how many he got and what he had for his birthday and then he was able to enjoy his brother's a bit. It was such a great moment to spend with both the boys. Josh really loved the one gift I threw togther today because I was in a rush... wrestling cards with some money. His big present I don't think he quite got it. We are going to see the WWE wrestling LIVE in Rockford and he is sitting 5 rows back from the center ring... I don't think he got how good the seats were but as he tells his friends he is more excited. The seats cost a good chunk of change but as Don said, this is a once in a lifetime deal so we thought what the heck. This should be interesting. Both boys will be flying after the show..

I think having Brandon makes suggestions and getting involved was the best idea yet, also I think he is maturing in some ways and the Benadryl (see below)

Benadryl?!?!

2011-07-21T06:20:00.000-07:00

I have notice that since we have given Brandon Benadryl at night he seems to do better in the day. Is he finally getting enough sleep? Is it just being home for the summer? I took him off the Benadryl for a few nights because I didn't want him to be on it so much that when we started school he would not be able to use it but it made a difference. When I took him off, he got more upset easier and quick to get a nasty temper over everything. Almost aggressive but not physical but his voice and all gets loud and he wants to argue everything. So last night I gave him the benadryl and as of the am he is still sleeping.

We started Focalin at a small dose and he is eating and it seems to work. At least without big crashes but once school starts I think we may need more meds. We shall see. I don't have him study or have to concetrate much more than playing and swiming so don't really know if the meds are helping with staying focused.. I mean it is but is it enough? I notice he is not as grabby but if it something he is interested in... well then he becomes my two year old which is something we are working on.

which way?

2011-07-05T20:09:00.000-07:00

It has been a very busy summer and I can't tell you what we have done. a lot but nothing specific. The other day I quit giving Brandon's his ADHD meds. He said they didn't work. He was exhausted from camp and so I thought why not?

Then it happen.. he grabbed at everything and hitting things for sound and jumping all around and getting wild up over little things. But he was calmer about it... had to be re directed a bit but calm.. not angry but mellow er if that is a word. So then we got to the point he was so grabby and so in your way that I thought let me medicate him so we can get on without 3,000 re directs (ok a bit exacterated). He was great with his brother but they both had 12 hours of sleep. Then it happen... a moment that turn the whole day ugly. Why we can't get past this... I will never know. a small incident but enough for Brandon do think the worst in everything after that.. His focus althoug much better, was self absorb.. He was focused but ony worried about himself not the others around him and yet yesterday he was good with this.

So which do I want? An angry person over one thing because it stays in his mind or a mellow boy who you have to stay on top of and re direct.. redirect.... redirect... redirect...

fire flys

2011-06-28T06:12:00.000-07:00

We are starting to get into the dail grind of summer. However I can't seem to get into a real routine. Things just pop up and then the day is over. What I really want to do is catch fire flys with my guys. I see them when the sun goes down and want to run outside with the boys and catch them and release them. However, I worry will this wild up Brandon so much he won't sleep> Do I not worry until it is done? Will he keep everyone else awake because he can't sleep? Thes unknow make me stop and think about this. I have to not worry and just have some fun. The boys deserve it. I deserve it. so I will let you know.

Camp Anikijig

2011-06-21T05:50:00.000-07:00

One is off to camp. Brandon went to a mini camp in Wisconsin. He should be able to ride a horse and do some archery. If it stops raining. It is only in the 60's up north and they have to take a swim test. Ouch he hates the cold and it will be a big challenge for him.

Another challenge will be the shoes he wears. He struggles with putting on his high tops most times but wanted to bring them or should I say had to bring them with all of his choices. It can be exhausting ... I try to let him pick his pair of shoes but he struggles to get them on (wont losen them enough) and when he ties them... the laces have to match exactly- never mind that he always pulls from one side of his shoe laces to tighten, they still have to match... Explaining this has become mute but I try too. I don't know why so we will have to practice for school.

Josh has been home being a big video geek. A bit too much that I have to put a lid on this today. There is fun and then you can have fun running around outside. So we will have to make some adjustments to this. THis is suppose to be my time with my son... only he wants to play with his friend and have a friend over all the time. Which is what a normal 4th grader would do I know but I feel left out and that is ok. He will just hang with me eventually. I hope. We still have more time. Brandon calls tonight to see if he wants to stay or not. It will be interesting. If he stays, then Josh and I have 3 more days to hang and do things together. What we will do I don't know, we have seen a movie with his friend ...

Our Trip

2011-06-07T06:00:00.000-07:00

It seems it was a bit overwhelming for Brandon on our trip. I know the mornings are hard because he can't figure out what the day will be like. It really isn't mapped in stone, however once we get going he does great. However, his eating schedule was a bit goofed up and so when we were all starving he was not hungry. It is so hard to get him to eat when he is like that, and snacks can only help a little bit.

So we had a few moments of discomfort. Brandon is still trying to have his temper tantrums like a two year old even though he is 10. He struggles with this and we struggle with this. Huge emotions for little things become exhausting for us. It is not ok to disrupt everyone when you are upset. You may be upset but making everyone miserable is not good. Disrespect has become his way of dealing and we need to teach him how to be upset but not get everyone upset. It is ok to be angry or upset but making it a huge emotion and being disrespectful is not. He is trying but he keeps forgetting. I read in another blog how they have manage to get their child to start regulating herself. Brandon does not, and some days I feel he can't and some days I feel he won't try. But I know he is trying, he can't remember what to do so we have to practice. We have to go through routines to help him. Make him stop and just sit by us and breathe. He is getting better but we have a long road to go. The sad part is as you work on this you have in the back of your mind, what will happen later how bad is this going to get etc.... and you can't you have to stay in the moment and work through this because it is my fear of the future not his.

Last night Brandon had his first track practice, what I saw of it he did great. However, coming into the car he was mad and upset and kicking stones and tried to kick me. I stopped and said until he was calm we would not drive home. I know he was upset but I was not going to get into the van until he could be calm for me and his brother. He got in the van after settling down and proceeded to tell me how awful everything was. Now I think he enjoyed parts of it HOWEVER, there was a boy there that was very disrespectful to Brandon. Apparently he spit on him and hit him with a baton. Now I don't doubt these things happen, but I know from watching Brandon he was laughing and joking with this boy along with running by him at one time and going hahahaha to his face. So Brandon was not respectful to this boy. So now Brandon does not want to go. But this is a good learning tool for him. If he can remember, he needs to stay away from this boy and tell the coaches not to put them side by side on the track. I will also talked to the coaches and let them know all that happen yesterday to make them aware of this child. Let them know Brandon is learning the proper social things to do with kids that upset him, right now he looks like he is having fun with them when he is not.

I feel this is a good practice for him to work on learning to deal with these types of kids... there are 40 other kids and they are fine so Brandon found the one. Or did this child find Brandon. I don't know. He is starting school in the fall and he is worried about this happening, so while I can be there and the only thing they need to teach is running (not school) we can work on the social part. Or so I hope!!

going on a trip hope it helps

2011-06-02T06:49:00.000-07:00

Brandon has been so dysregulated lately. Screaming and yelling and giving us lots of disrespect It has become exhausting. A few nights ago Don had it out with him in a loving manner.. talked about how smart he was and how much love he has but the disrespect had to stop. We came to the realization that he is emotional at 5 and is trying to set his boundaries and see what type of control he can have etc... a testing thing to us. Also he is going to a new school in a few months and that is freaking him out.. had that talk with DOn. Now Don made a comment many moons ago about going to a new school and how it was not fun and scarey.. but he never elaborated. Oops put in some strange thoughts with this child.

Both boys are nervous for going to the new school but once we get into the routine etc they will enjoy or so I hope. Anyway, after this long discussion and being held by Don for an hour or so the next day Brandon did much much better. So now we are heading to Springfield for a family vacation and I hope this continues. Now with the family vacation, Brandon does much better because we are all together and all doing the same thing and having fun for most of the time. He relaxes and can stay with us and not get too many triggers to set him off to dysregulate. We have a ball at Disney and Dells, without much trouble.. it happens with minimal food or drink or sleep... hopefully we will not have too many triggers to set him off. We shall see and I will let you know.

Is this Progress?

2011-05-25T06:39:00.000-07:00

How do you define progress? In my world it is weird wonderful things. I was talking with my mother in law this morning about Brandon and how he was wigging out because it was the last day of school. One thing he was not doing was getting his shoes on. I asked him to get his shoes on and he didn't. He played with the cat and I reminded him again and again. Then I got frustrated and walked away. Now I know he is regressing and I should just put his shoes on for him durnig this difficult time. But I am thinking this is not new.  He had to put on his shoes all school year.  It is a daily function he needs to learn. It is not a new thing today, it is something he needs to do everyday regardless of what is happening around him.

So I walked away and came to grips that he might not make the bus, he will be late to school and he might not wear shoes today. Not the senerio I want but I have to let it be. So I come out of my bathroom to go downstairs, and Brandon walks into the hallway and shows me his hands. They are wet. He informs me he has washed his hands. Yes, this was something I had asked him to do when I asked him to put on his shoes... so he has one task completed. I say thank you I really appreciate that and I apologize for getting upset that he didn't put his shoes on. Then I walked down the stairs. Brandon stops and puts on one shoe and follows me. (he has one shoe on not tied but on). He tells me as he walks down the stairs that he is going to miss his friends when school gets out. So I tell him that that this would make me more determined to get my shoes on so I could get to the last day of school and see my friend. As I look back at him, he has sat down at the bottom stair to put on his other shoe.

I keep walking to talk to Josh about getting ready to go. Brandon comes into the kitchen and his shoes are on but not tied.  I ask if he is going to tie his shoes. He does not reply but starts struggling to put on his rain poncho. I do not comment and continue on with my tasks.  Brandon after playing around with his poncho comes over to me and asked me quite nicely to tie his shoes.  I told him very nicely that I would love to tie them for him but I had to ask him many times to put on his shoes that I can no longer help him.  As we continue to get ready Brandon is hiding under his rain poncho and talking about things that upset/scare him. I walk around and finish things up and support him and talked to him about the last day of school and how hard it is for everyone. That is is sad but he will see his friends over the summer.

As I get ready to go to the van Brandon stands up and I notice his shoes are tied. He had been tying them under his rain poncho as he talked to me.  I thank him again and I give him a big kiss and I get a great big smile from him.

Now I had to stop when I was telling my mother in law this story because in the Fall putting on shoes for Brandon was a very difficult thing. He would scream in frustration and anger and he would throw his shoe across the room. He would bang his head out of frustration because they would not go on right or the tie was not straight enough.... he would get so upset he would hit his brother. After the holidays I got him to get his shoes on but he would scream very disrespectfully to me to tie them or help him. It took to Spring to get him to put them on and if he needed help to aske me nicely/respectfully so I would help him.

Now we come to a place where even though it took some prompting he got his shoes on but at his pace. It may of taken us over 20 minutes to get the shoes on but there was no fit throwing, no head banging.

To me this is progress, he got his shoes and tied. It took 20 minutes and he did it in an order that I don't understand but one where he is in control and he can do it. I am ok with this. This is something I feel he has to learn how to do no matter what is happening around him.  It is a basic skill that needs to be done daily. I think he has learned it. He just needs some time to complete this task and I have to learn to let it be how he can complete it.  We made some progress.

Happy's Mother's Day to Me

2011-05-09T19:03:00.000-07:00

I awoke to a child that was dressed and ready for church because he wanted to watch the movie he had recorded and he gave me my Mother's day present. It was a note that said I was a great Mom because I got him from Ukraine and if I didn't get him he wouldn't have an excellent life. The other part said that the favorite part of his day is when we hug each other cause it makes him feel safe.. aahh

The other child thanked me for doing what I do every day and care for him when he is sick. (which by the way he is never sick.) With the I love you.

My hubbie said " what's for dinner?" W-H-A-T?? Outside of the boys wanting to play with friend than be with their mother on mother's day... I was a bit upset. I felt like I was still trying to keep things going without any effort from anyone. Some things need to get done but come on... can you at least plan on a meal? I could not believe it and my hubby felt I should be angrier at the kids... and I was like what message are YOU showing them. I also cried my eyes out and had the poor me cry. Some of that is because I can't just pick up and go because I want to. I have a child that needs more directing and can't sometimes put into place a "spur of the moment" type thing. It would make him miserable and he would make us miserable so you learn to pick which way you want to go.. So I cried because I didn't have a normal child and I cried because it is NOT that child's fault for the way he is on some things. He has to learn things.

The other day he was in a disagreement with another boy. I found out through his brother that he had provoke the boy by talking back. The next night when Brandon was up for a snack because he could not sleep I talked to him about it. Brandon was telling me a story about a boy who did a nah nah to him and how it upset him... my perfect time and I said, the other day you did the nah nah to another boy and he did not like either. and Brandon replied Oh no mom I did not say nah nah to him .. I said ha ha.

He really can't grip that it means the same thing and yet that isn't the point. So I do have to explain that saying things sometimes can have many meanings and you HAVE to be aware of what you saying to not upset people... it went over his head at this time.

Wow That Simple

2011-05-09T18:16:00.000-07:00

I have two boys sound asleep by 8:00 PM. One was up all weekend because he want to get up and play the Wii or watch a movie.... the other unfortunately I gave him some Claritin non drowsey and lets just say that at 10:00 pm it was still non drowsey.

I hope tomorrow is a great day.

Disrespect and learning frustration

2011-05-03T06:10:00.000-07:00

Lately my boys especially one of them think that being disrespectful is ok. No it is not. My problem I am facing these days is how to deal with this. He is yelling at me and when he is really upset tries to throw things at me. Luckily it is short lived but the intensity is there and my frustration shows. He really does know it isn't me he is mad at but can't seem to make that reach. He is angry at something at school but comes home and starts yelling at me. Sometimes I can nail it on the head of what is wrong and then there are times I can't.

I hope with the constant calm reminders and re teaching that it is not appropriate we will get somewhere. I think upping his meds for aniety didn't help and now we will lower them again and see how things go. Gosh why can't they make a pill that a child or person can take and it just does the job.

Back to normal?

2011-04-19T12:27:00.000-07:00

Josh no longer had pneumonia and is on the mend. It will be awhile until he is completely healthy but headed in the right direction. YEAH..

Brandon just got back from camp this past weekend. I can't wait to see the photos he took. The counselor said he dropped the camera nurmerous times and doesn't think we will get any photos. We will have to wait and see. But he had a great time. He just had a really horrible time trying to firgure out his emotions. Happy because he had fun but sad because he missed us. Feeling bad that he didn't miss us while at camp but yet mad because he did go to camp. He is still learning how to deal with his emotions. So as usual we had him in a two year old mold and he coped. He coped until he got home and wanted to play on the wii. (see below post) not a good choice when you are tired and emotional drained. That took anthoer 45 minutes to get through and then he played with friends.

He now wants to go to summer camp. So I have signed him up but we won't discuss this until three days before he goes. Then hopefully he won't get so worked up over it and full of anxiety. I just hope I can keep a lit on this. It shall be interesting.

old post that never made it

2011-04-19T12:19:00.000-07:00

Well some of the exhaustion I have been feeling is slowly going away. Brandon was upped on his meds and it seems to make a difference. That is until, he played on the Wii. My goodness he gets so out of sorts playing the video games. You think I was the world's worst mother because I limit the time playing. I have too because he becomes so upset and nasty to everyone that it takes awhile to come down.

I know I know the big question... why does he get to play? Well he is the kicker, he played once this week only. I spent two days getting the frustration and anger out and moved to a positive direction. I don't think the Wii is all that bad but for some reason he cannot handle it so he won't. Maybe when school gets out and he can overload and I can walk away we may tryp again.

The weird thing is he can play at other homes or grandma's and not get this upset. On a flip note... Josh has been coming up with some doosies of comments..

"china is a great state... they make good toys."

"I am not crabby... I am only crabby in the morning when I have to get up" (after being told he has to go to be)

After telling him that he was pushing my envelope he wanted to know if I wanted it open or closed..... more pushing I tell you.

I have been posting these on facebook while they are fresh in my mind. He still wants to know why I would have kids if I didn't want to deal with their issues....hmmm

A Great Morning

2011-04-12T07:40:00.000-07:00

This morning only Brandon was going to school. Josh has been sick with pneumonia the past few days. Luckily Josh is getting better but still needs some rest.

Well as you know Brandon can be a bit of a pill and a real sweetie. This morning as we were watching a you tube video he looked over at me and gave me a big SMOOCH. Smack on the lips for a good 15 seconds. He has never done that before. I was surprised and said "wow what was that for?"

and he looked at me and sweetly said "that is for being so mean lately." AAWWW

I think he enjoyed a bit of one on one mommy/son time :)

ok not yet

2011-04-05T14:44:00.000-07:00

after the below post we spent an hour or so talking about getting along... sign

What is going on?

2011-04-05T13:05:00.000-07:00

After a weekend of constant fighting and blaming each other... they are now playing together nicely. Hmmmmm

Is it because they have been apart at school? Is it because I started a new chart systems on learning how to respectful. Is it because the Wii if off limits for awhile since we could not be nice to one another?

Or are they realizing they are brothers and they have each other? I am reaching here but I think they are learning how to play again together for some reason. Either way I should enjoy the moment and cherrish this and not really second guess it.

Dealing with ones emotion

2011-04-04T05:49:00.000-07:00

I have a child that doesn't get it. What he gets is how everyone or I should say his brother is out to get him. It doesn't matter that he screamed in his brother's ear or hit him in the arm and that got his brother so mad that he shoved him and unfortunately that shoved pushed him into the tub and he hurt his side. The only thing he remembers is that his brother shoved him into the tub. In his mind, his brother just walked into the bathroom and shoved him.

Or how about playing basketball with his brother. It is ok for him to block his brother and put his arms on his and grab the ball and practically run him over as they both go for a ball but when he fell.... who was to blame? his brother of course went out and tripped him. uhm what?? If your brother even came near him while he had the ball he would be screaming at him at how unfair he is.

Why doesn't he see his role in this? Because sometimes he can't and sometimes he can. The sad reality is when he can pull it out to the front of his brain he will get very nervous and you can see how uncomfortable this is for him to grasp. It truly is very sad to see him so nervous and anxious over this but I don't know of another way to teach him about himself. We must calmy remind him of what happened. We have to bring it up to him and go through the entire episode for him to grasb the reality of the situation. Explain his role in the situation over and over so he understands the world is not out to get him. How he is a part of the occurance, not just the bystander in this. I just hope that some day it will be understood by him and he will be able to make good choices.

Spring Break

2011-03-30T05:32:00.000-07:00

We have been on Spring Break for 4 days. The first day was cleaning and organizing the house for a guest. The second and third day we went and had day trips to Chicago. We visited the Alder Planitarium and the next day Navy Pier. May I say my boys were well behaved and fun. Yes they were. We had a friend of mine join us and he was amazed at how well they did together. In the beginning he had the kids reversed and over a few hours figured out which child needed added help. He loved watching Brandon tie his shoe. He had to make it exact on each string and if it would not meet exactly he would pull one side up higher to meet the other string. He could not believe how OCD my little guy could be. But I must say they were both very well behaved and sweet and well could of used a bit more manners but did good. Josh would complain to my friend because he smelled like smoke and smoking was bad for you. Josh got a bit dramatic over it but he made his point quite clear to my friend.

Dealing with FAS/ ADHD

2011-03-09T06:55:00.000-08:00

You know it is pretty sad when you celebrate the fact that your child is acting up at school. But that is how I felt. Brandon is becoming more distracted and it is getting exhausting and tiresome to deal with, for homework, getting ready, going to bed and I could go on. Now his teacher is starting to have trouble with this.

However, his teacher is noticing the oddity of Brandon. There are not bad but there are days he needs more one on one and direction and when you teach over 25 kids that can become difficult. But he is a really good teacher to catch Brandon in what he needs. His biggest fear is that if Brandon gets a teacher that yells or won't worry about the FAS piece that this teacher will think that Brandon is not doing his work and is being defiant and difficult and not the FAS. They will shift his workload on to his one on one and lose time set aside for math or they will send it home in homework or he will fail. This is scarey because Brandon will be lost and more confused and have more homework or resources that he really won't need. Now this is scarey and yet this is good.

The school is seeing Brandon's handicap and how it will affect in life. How he needs special services but unfortunately cannot be met because of restriction within the school system. They added a line that states due to the FAS the syndrome is becoming more apparent as he is getting older. They are planning on more difficulties and they want to make everyone aware of them now. He will need certain services that are not offered at all but are needed. They are trying to do the best that they can.

It is getting harder to see that Brandon is more immature than his peers however, there are some similar to him at school. It is hard to see him get upset that he has to upset the whole household to make us aware, it doesn't ahve to be so extreme. There are new struggles that we deal with as a family and hopefully they get better or easier to cope with so you don't feel you are constantly struggling.

Getting on with Life

2011-02-23T12:18:00.000-08:00

I have been working lately and it is now taking a toll on me. I have less energy in the evening to help Brandon and work him through some very intense times. And then I have to stop and realized HEY it is getting better.

Currently the biggest obsticle I face are his meltdowns or screaming two year old tantrums. As long as I can stay calm and reassuring I can get him to calm himself and move on. I went to a FAS Meeting the other day for parents. I would say the biggest thing to work with is knowing they know but that the child is unable to recall what he/she to know at the moment. That gets hard.

The other day we had stayed up late the night before school. Brandon had his meds late and was bouncing off the walls and stayed up til 11 pm/. I let him sleep in and figured I would take him in when I go. Needless to say Josh had a meltdown that his brother got to sleep in and go later. He ended up missing the bus and then I had to take both boys to school. BUT the interesting thing was after school. Brandon came home and was upset or livid that he had homework from the stuff he missed in the morning... which of course was his brother's fault. He was late because HIS BROTHER had cried about going on the bus. He totally didn't remember he SLEPT IN and he was up the night before. It all landed on his brother. I had to explain the reality to him. He was late because he had been up late and I had let him sleep in. His brother had nothing to do with it. It was him mom thinking he needed to sleep in and he was the reason why we all were late going in. But that is not what he remembered just his brother crying missing the bus. He can't be part of the blame or problem even when he is. This was my doing if anything.

Meanwhile while Brandon and I are talking, Josh is emptying his backpack and putting the stuff from his lunch away (ice pack in frig) and doing his homework. This is done without any prompting by me.

2011-01-05T05:51:00.001-08:00

Finally got a new and updated photo of the boys...........

back to school

2011-01-04T06:29:00.000-08:00

We are back from our winter break and the kids are in school. WHEW
It was a long break, and I am sad to see it end but glad to get back into a routine. More for the boys to get into a routine than for me. Brandon needs the routine. However, he is now obsessing over his birthday. It is not until March and I don't know if after coming off the holidays I can handle having him up at nights worrying about it.
We just got done with him obsessing over Santa and presents. Even though we kept stressing it was not the presents it was about the birth of Jesus. So now I am explaining his birthday is a celebration of his life like Jesus and it is NOT about the presents. It is so sad to see him so worked up over something that is not even here.
This gets so hard because he doesn't understand some things and that makes it harder for us to get him to understand anything. Yet I guess he in not worrying about his adoption and where his birth mother is because he has other things/issues to worry about. He still doesn't even seem to understand another person gave birth to him, which is ok.

Joshua is slowing getting the routine of things. I think he missed me yesterday at school. He was so happy to be home and settle down and did his homework and have some fun AT HOME. It was sweet to see. He went out to play but before he did he was wondering if he should or not.... do I stay home and do homework or play? He got his homework done so he decided to play, which is fine.
My Josh gets everything about his adoption and there are days he is fine with it and then there are times he gets upset over it. Right now he is getting tired and upset with his brother. He is slowly learning his brother is different, even though he is still Brandon. So hopefully over time, he will finally learn that his brother needs encoragement and strength from him instead of normal sibling jibbing. time will tell

Holidays

2010-11-29T13:38:00.000-08:00

The holidays are here!! I was so excited for Turkey Day and I don't know why. Maybe because it is the time the boys get to run around with cousins or friends and have a great time and the fighting is kept to a minimum. Or maybe I don't have to cook or clean I get to be a child again. I am the one of the youngest and I get treated as such. So I have little to do. I can do more for others and I used too but then or until I had the kids. Hard to whip up some cookies or make great side dishes when there is homework, activities and excitement looming in the air.

We watched Santa Paws and both my boys were very very sad. It goes back to an orphanage reference and both boys got sad and scared. It made them upset because the lady was so mean. Which is sad because orphanage or foster care is always shown as a horrible place to be. My boys come from an orphanage and they took this to heart. One was upset and could not watch the movie. It touched something deep inside him but I don't know if he knows exactly what upset him or why but it did. He has issues so thoughts are a bit bumbled.

My other child bawled his eyes out because he does not want to go back to the orphanage. He thinks it looks horrible. He is afraid we will die and there will be no family left to take of him. It was really quite sad. It also brought up that his birth mom gave him up but she kept the sibling. Why, is his question. What did I do wrong he wonders. Again he did nothing wrong I assured him it was just the circumstance at the time and that he did absolutely nothing wrong. Luckily the show makes the same statement, briefly but it does... that the child are not to blame. He was a wreck but I think he is feeling better.

These questions come up around this time. This is a hard time for them because it brings back lots of memeories for my boys. This is when we became their parents and they left an orphanage, move to a new country and new lifestyle that they were not used too. Luckily things get more positive as we move to Christmas and the New Year. By January life should be back to normal.

tree card

2010-11-20T17:57:00.001-08:00

Picture Tree Christmas

Shop Shutterfly for elegant custom Christmas photo cards.

View the entire collection of cards.

Chipping away at the iceberg

2010-10-25T19:44:00.001-07:00

The sign above is what I called "chipping away" because that is what it is like to have a emotionally handicapped child, or FAS. What amazes me is that 5 years ago I had a child that would not sleep. He would spend many a nights rocking and screaming or as I call it... hoo hooing. He would moan all night long. This got us to a point to find something else that was going on or something that is going on with our five year old. We sought attachment therapy or theraplay. We struggled to attached and struggled. We even had our facilitator frustrated. I would lay with my child for hours and I mean hours... could be an hour and a half (which meant I did not spend quality time withe another child) or more. It took time but we finally attached. Our facilitator thought our child might have FAS or FAE which over another long story he does and that is why it took so long to attached. But we did.

Then three years ago my child would fall asleep as long as Dad was in the hallway. Don would work on his injured shoulder by lifting small weights and stretches in the hall way between the boys room. He would lay there for an hour or maybe got in only 45 minutes.

Two years ago my children started sleeping on our floor. What started out as a camping outing in our room one night became a year and a half long of the boys sleeping on sleeping bags in our room to sleep. THey could not sleep in their own beds.

Last summer I made a sleeping room. I put there beds together and we worked many a nights for them to sleep in that room on comfy beds and not our hard floors. During the school week they did but on weekends they slept on our floors. I can say now that they don't sleep on our floor anymore. They have learn to enjoy their beds and they are now so comfortable in their beds this is the sign outside their door..

DO NOT DISTURB WHILE SLEEPING

and a few other things but hey, this is a super great start!!

life

2010-09-29T05:34:00.000-07:00

Well, my mom has been struggling with her knees for a long time. First it was her back and then her knees. She had two knee replacements last October and they finally decided that there was a faulty piece of plastic in one of her knees that is giving her problems. So she was set to have surgery.

Well, she can't have surgery because they found a spot on her chest X-ray. This sucks and she had to wait for the doctor/surgeon to do a biopsy. They perform this last Thursday and said it would be weeks for the results.. huh?? They called the doctor on Monday and was told they have to wait until Tues. They get a call from the surgeon on Monday afternoon to come in on Tues at 3:45 pm. OK>> so they wait in the am. Her doctor calls and tells her flat out that it is not good news and that it is cancer and moves the appointment with the surgeons up to noon. Mom goes in only to hear the results and is told that she has to see the Onocologist for procedures. So why is she meeting with the surgeon in the first place? HE can't do anything with anyone.... why they have to drag this out for people that are already scared confused and upset just really annoys me today. Along with a list of other things but this is first on my mind.

Little Things

2010-09-21T05:28:00.000-07:00

We just got back from our trip to Disney World and had a great time. Since we have been home I have notice a few things that are changing and that is good. I just received the report from the Research Triangle on the tests we had done last July with Brandon. In the report they talk a lot about Brandon and his ways of not focusing and easily distracted and strange noises and sounds he made etc..
However one paragraph really got to me. It was a test that I had to fill out and it states that is appears as Brandon has problems with executive functioning. However, these results should be interpreted with caution as the Negativity scale was elevated, meaning the mother tended to portray Brandon in a negative manner. This does occur when parents view their children in a negative light OR when children have significant behavior regulation problems. Given the mother's report of Brandon's behavior, it is possible that he is exhitbiting significant problems related to behavioral regulation and metacognition.

My first thoughts were, Yes I did protray my child in a negative light because I had BIG CONCERNS on certain behaviors. You don't go to a doctor and say you have leg pain and then discuss how well the other leg is doing. You talk about the pain. I felt very misunderstood at first and very angry. Then I re read it and I realized that they need to put this in... what if I really view my child negatively? I am sure I do because he can be very exhausting and when you have to repeat and repeat simple tasks on a daily basis you get drained. ANd when there is angression from your child you are scared for the other children in your home.
But anyway, it got me to thinking, maybe I do talk about the negative more than the positive. So this am I am trying to stop and think of all the things we go through everyday and how much some things have changed.

So with this here goes:
They walked to the school bus without fighting.
They are going to bed in a timely manner, since school has begun they are more willing to lie in bed and read books and have a calming evening.
They don't whine about not having the Wii or TV during the week
They were awesome on vacation, meltdowns too, but all kids will have them with so much stimulation, even the adults.
They are starting to use their alarms to get up.
I can go downstairs and remind them to finish dressing with out major battles or fighting.
They are doing their homework, or attempting it.

A lot of this has been since we have been back. It is only day 2 and this could change for any reason but for now I really need to STOP and ENJOY these milestones because they will start a fight going to the bus, but I can't dwell on that I MUST remind myself they have gone to the bus.... nicely.

ramblings and what nots

2010-09-07T05:49:00.000-07:00

I get amazed at how people with blogs can update almost daily. Luckily they are stories I want to read. Many are from families that have adopted or have Large families and they talk about the highs and lows of parenting.

I feel like I don't post enough but then there is not that many exciting things but ramblings of our daily lifes. We just past Labor Day and we had a football game unfortunately we lost. Brandon and Josh did very well for the rest of the day without fighting and playing well together. Sunday Don and I shopped and the kids got to go bowling with the babysitter.

I have notice that during the week I have to say "no" to Wii and DS, Computer and TV for the kids to be able to be polite and working on their homework. They get along better and find old toys to play with. It is completely amazing. They feel like their world is coming to an end without the video but actually they are clear minded and more thoughtful and aware of their surroundings. However, I do miss the babysitter (Wii, TV or Computer) so I can get dinner ready, do some of my things etc. but I think the trade off is better.

the Mayor

2010-08-29T11:06:00.000-07:00

Well it has become official. Josh has a nickname with the football coaches.. the Mayor. I guess he was reminding the coaches of what they said to keep them on their feet along with some of the kids when they misbehaved. Can Josh do everything on the football field right? No, but but he has a nicer yet pleasant way of correcting people. Don't get me wrong, the coaches all love him. So he goes by the name Mayor.

Unfortunately, he had one hard sack and he has been hesitent to play but that is changing. He was in the game last week on defense playing safety. He did good, luckily none of the players came near him, for him to tackle. Not because he can't tackle, he is still a bit apprehensive, but it will come. He is on the playing field.

Brandon had something new yesterday, he got a fever. You have to understand he rarely to never gets a fever. His body is built to defend and fight everything... yet he was able to relax and get a fever. I was delighted to see him so relax and enjoying being relaxed. Sadly it took a 100 degree fever to settle him down but he did. He wasn't miserable he was kind of excited he was "sick"

When my boys are sick and running a fever, I go and get a pillow and sheet and let them lie on the couch to watch tv. Josh was already running a slight fever so I had him on a sheet and pillow in the living room.

The funny part was when I found out Brandon had a fever I went and got him a sheet and pillow to relax on the couch. Josh had come out of the bathroom and was wondering what I was doing with his sheet and pillow. But he just looked at me like where are you going? and I was like Brandon has a fever of 100 so I am setting up a bed for him in the Family room.... Josh looked confused... he thought that since his brother had a Higher fever that I was giving Brandon his sheet and pillow from the living room and his was out of luck..

I looked down and realized the pillow and sheet were the same as Josh so I told him, don't worry this is another set, I am not moving yours from the living room to give to Brandon because his fever is highter. Josh was relieved.

Football Season

2010-07-28T06:06:00.000-07:00

It has officially started. Football season. Josh was so nervous he didn't know what to do. He was worried, nervous, and excited all at once. First practice was Monday and he had a lot of fun. So much fun that when he went to bed that night he said he had so much fun that he was ready "right now" to go back to practice. After being so nervous he really settled down.

When Josh is nervous he really yammers(word I use, talks way to much about nothing- rambling). He was doing that in practice on the first day but seem to settle down. At yesterday's practice I heard one of the coach says "hey, when you hear the coach talk you need to listen.. Sattler you are always talking". That is my boy. We had a small chat about that. Hopefully he won't get in too much trouble, he is my socializer. Hopefully he will learn Not to yap in football practice.

Now the cheerleaders are practicing close by, so he has another distraction. I tried to talk to Brandon about being a Cheer... he seems interested.

Brandon meds work and don't work. He still is confrontational but I am going to go a another week to see if this settles down. My fear is that he will get this tone at school with other kids or a teacher and it is not pretty. He thinks his brother is yelling at him and he is not, it could be a sibling thing. So hopefully he needs to adjust to the meds.

Summer Fun?

2010-07-23T04:54:00.001-07:00

We went to Magic Waters yesterday. Josh was able to do more of the water rides but really enjoyed the body slides. Those are not my favorites. We also enjoyed a roller coaster ride that splashes you as you go over the hills and dive into water. You go over 4-5 hills and have a blast. You are flying out of your seat when you go over the hills and I swear you feel like you will end up sideways. Well not necessary sideways but for someone, he ended up backwards.

Yep, Brandon somehow and someway on the 4th hill came over and started going backwards... the whole tube turned around. Luckily it didn't flip. The Magic Waters personnel told me that it has never happen before. The water ride shut down instantly and he was locked at the bottom of the hill. I think that scared him more than being shoved backwards.

I was waiting on the side and saw Josh with another Dad from our group go up the hill and it had stopped. Then I looked around and wondered where Brandon was. Some girls were walking down and I thought maybe they got scared. Then I notice the lifeguard go over to another location and I watched and then I notice Brandon. He came out of the splashed baster and I waved and he came up running and crying. The lifeguard didn't say boo to me so I asked him what had happened and he said he was going backwards. So then I walked over to find out what had happened and found out that because Brandon had gone backwards it had shut the ride down. Then the Lead person came over and talked with Brandon who looked like he had no clue at what had happen. She sent us to the Medical tent to be checked out. It was a bit scarey for a moment, but I knew Brandon was ok so I didn't panic or worry. I am just curious as to what could have happen. I mean the wind had to be just so and Brandon had to be in the air and water hitting at such a time... unbelievable.

The only thing that makes me a bit upset was the lack of concern the first lifeguard had for Brandon and sent him on his way. She just open the gate and waved him away. I held Brandon and walked over to find out what had happen with him. As I was walking up I heard her saying that kid went backwards... like he did it on purpose. I mean he could have but I don't think he did or would know how. Luckily I went back to talk with the lifeguards and when the lead person came over the lifeguard pointed out Brandon. Had I not come back the lead lifeguard would have not been able to talk to Brandon and me and have us sent to the medical tent.

When we got to the medical area they asked Brandon if he was hurt and he pointed to his skinned knee. However, the knee was from earlier like 2 hours ealier from the water bucket... but they fixed that boo boo.

summer

2010-07-19T14:22:00.000-07:00

It has been a great summer. We have been very busy and on the go go go. I just started Brandon on his new meds but I think I picked the worst time to start. First we go to Six Flags and overwhelm him then his brother has a birthday and then we go to a Giant picnic where there is a petting zoo and bouncy stuff. Lots of dysregulated kids...he has been having a hard time at it. I swear not a good time to analize any thing.

This is the big final week. Next week we start football with Josh. He has been looking forward to this since April. I hope he is not bored or frustrated and hate in by August. This could happen... watching people play and actually playing are two different things. I hope he realizes that.

So I am still hoping to do a few more fun things like go to a beach, go to a museum, hang out with friends and relax before we go back into school. School is less than a month away. I know we start in a month and I feel like we just started our summer.

CRT Visit

2010-07-11T10:02:00.000-07:00

Well it is official. We finally went to the Children's Research Triangle (CRT). The CRT is known for diagnosing and analyzing children with no medical history. They know what to look for such as trauma, bi polar, FAS, Autism etc. Usually International children get diagnosed incorrectly because kids without history and being internationally adopted fall into ADHD or mental illness that aren’t really there. You try to work on issued that aren’t there because they are masked by things the child does and you get nowhere and it is very frustrating. Attachment and RAD are things that gets missed along with so much. Basically they are told the child is ADHD without added help.

I took Brandon, and we did get the results I assumed it would be and I am fine/happy with it. He is VERY ADHD (big on the H) along with FAS. What does this mean? It means it will take many re directs to learn, many reminders, constant repetition to learn. Can he learn? Yes, he can. What does this really mean? He is socially and emotionally behind by 2-3 years. When he regresses further, it is just the “child” side of him nothing more. CRT did not see any hidden trauma, and felt he was very attached (YES) and that he is hyper and the FAS (fetal alcohol syndrome) will/does affect how he learns.

The FAS explains why there are days my son cannot handle any large noises and will freak out at a toilet flushing and then a day where he is in the bathroom constantly flushing the toilet for extra/added stimuli. The brain is damaged and sends signals to his brain that he needs more (hence the flushing) but yet he can learn other ways to get the stimuli he is seeking. Another service we need to seek is OTSI, sensory integration so that he isn't doing one thing one day and then having affect him another day differently.

Another example of how his brain works is that many people can learn that 12-6 = 6… and that 12 =a dozen. So if you had a story like “you have a dozen eggs and you use 6, how many are left?" you would say 6, it just comes to you there is not much thinking in this. However, children like Brandon cannot conceptualized this,…. They can learn 12-6, and 12=dozen but the reality of it and using it doesn’t make sense in his brain. He will be taught each part differently and there will never be a connection. But he can learn it, re learn it and know each group and they will not be connected, but possibly over time (years) it might, but just that piece. He is very bright and of normal intelligents but you get amazed and how some simple concepts he can't get.

I know I have mention that Brandon is FAS, but I never had a true diagnose. The genectics testing done proved it but they wanted to do more genectic testing which I feel would be a waste of time. I got the diagnose so Brandon cannot lose his resource at school. Hopefully they will learn that Brandon does learn differently and that he will keep and add services as needed. My biggest fear is they take it away because he DOES appear to be typical with some quirks. Most of this diagnose is for when he is older..

But for now, it helps Don and I learn how to help Brandon and not make his world more frustrated. It also helps to know that what we see and feel is true about our child and that we can get plugging along the way we are and over time see results. We are not just paddling along and getting no where... there is lots of hope.

4th of July

2010-07-05T12:06:00.000-07:00

I had my reunion this past weekend. It was great seeing everyone that went and really talking with some friends that go back to elementary school. One gal and I had third grade together and I had to realize my little guy is going into third... wow.. I think we re connected after many years not really knowing each other. You know you go different ways when you no longer have the same classes. Some I knew as an acquantice (?) I wished I had gotten to know in high school. Needless to say, it was fun and I am glad I went.

My boys did great. They let mommy have fun with her old friends. I was very impressed. They stayed with Grandma and then with my sister. They got as much sleep as me :) so we need to have more rest today.

A message

2010-06-24T06:03:00.000-07:00

This is another blog from a family in Ukraine. Had to Share....

Impacting Each Others Lives

I must start out by saying, “Many blessings to all of you who have taken the time to comment. It has been such an encouragement to keep posting even when Internet is excruciatingly slow. Though I don’t have time to respond to all of the comments like I would like to, I am keeping them in the back of my mind and plan to answer all of them when we are back home. Thank you for all the birthday blessings for John—I read him many of the comments and he felt the love.”
*************
We knew this day was coming. Today was the last day we got to spend with the kids since they are heading off to camp tomorrow. The camp is much further away and we are already paying $40 a day for the drive to the orphanage so it would be even more to drive out to the camp everyday. Still, we plan on splurging in a couple days and driving up to the camp for hopefully, the whole day because all the kids are so worth it.

We began with our routine of seeing Nastya and Pasha first thing and they were very excited with the glow sticks we brought them. Such a commonplace thing in America-- but here--- to these children--- they might as well have been bars of gold. I know we haven’t had court yet, but still I already call them—my children--- well my children shared their glow sticks with their friends. It warmed my heart. I think they truly understand what it means to the other children to get a little enjoyment out of our visit to the Internat as well, even though we are not adopting them.

We did a couple of other things which I will share in an "extra" evening post because I want to get to the heart of this one.
**************
We all went outside and spent time with the children. Today many of the girls stayed close by me because I brought nail polish and toiletries. The older girls blessed me in ways I will never forget. Being so close to them today changed my ideas about older teenage girls in Internats-- and they will forever have a special place in my heart. It was a privilege to paint each of their nails yet they acted like it was a privilege having their nails painted by me. Phooey—little do they know how much joy they brought me. My heart was brimming with a mixture of joy and sadness as I held each of their hands in mine and painted each of their tattered, scraggly, dirty, worn, bitten to the quick nails. A few of them even had infected cuticles dabbed with green medicine. I felt bad for even noticing--- a part of me knows they are beautiful children of God and another part of me wanted to wash their hands and give them some Mama love---- oh how they each could use some Mama love. It was quite windy as we painted nails so of course the polish became lumpy and their nails looked like a mess, yet to them—they felt beautiful as I kept telling them, “Ochen Craseeva.”

This post is so hard for me to write but I feel that these children’s stories need to be told—so that it may change the hearts of others. These children do not belong here in this Internat- they belong in families like yours and mine. Anyway, most of them wearing the clothes I first met them in four days ago, I felt unworthy to be wearing fresh clean clothes with freshly washed hair and clean feet. Why should I have all of these luxuries when they have none? What did I do to deserve so much? What did they do to deserve so little?

I watched as an older girl who at first was very standoffish with me, tried to impress me by doing another girls hair. Impress me, she did, as she French braided the girls hair round and round around her head like a Jewish round hat that lays flat on boys’ heads. It was really beautiful and she beamed with pride that she could show me something I had never seen before. At one point she bent over and I could not help looking at her bra. The wires were both sticking way out of each side poking her and yet for this moment—she was happy…. content. Little did this girl know the example she was to me-- not the other way around.

Luda, the girl that at first would have nothing to do with having her picture taken--- showed me even more of her true personality today-- and what a joy that was.! She not only was extremely helpful in painting all of the younger girls’ nails but she then asked me to follow her and two of her best friends somewhere. I had no idea where I was going but I felt honored that they would invite me to go with them. As we walked through a beautiful field with fruit trees they pointed out a pack of empty cigarettes and shook their heads in disgust. I agreed and was secretly so proud of them for choosing not to smoke. They went over to the “perfect” tree where they wanted me to take “senior” like pictures of them. This was so much fun. At first they would not smile showing their teeth but after I told them how much prettier their smile was when they showed teeth they began showing them proudly. And you wouldn’t believe how much fun they were having. And I would snap their picture when they were laughing and smiling their biggest and happiest smiles and when I showed them their picture they agreed that they looked beautiful. After a while, they insisted that I get a nice picture of myself and they took great care of my camera while they snapped photos of me. At one point I adjusted my shirt so my bra strap wouldn't show and each of them quickly checked their own bra straps.

Let me tell you--- these girls are so easily influenced and my prayer is that even though this time is so short in the grand scheme of their whole life, I hope that I made a difference to them—because I know they made a difference to me. They showed me their crosses from when they were baptized and told me how they love God. This makes me very thankful to hear of their salvation and yet I know they are starving for His Word. How I wish there wasn’t the language barrier because I would have shared so many things about God’s love and grace for them. If only….

Like always—the four hours flew by and before I knew it we were saying good-bye. I gave away the toiletries and nail polish and I went into my purse and found some extra ponytails to give to Luba who I will never ever forget. After giving Nastya and Pasha a few extra pieces of gum, I secretly gave the rest to Luba along with more ponytails as I squeezed them into her hand. She quickly looked in her hand and whispered, “Spaciba.” We both smiled.

It took all of me to keep from crying.

As I climbed into the car, the kids were having Caleb autograph the backs of their hands. It was painful for us to say goodbye.

Such a dangerous thing to spend time with the children. Of course it is a blessing beyond anything I have ever experienced and yet come time I have to leave—the void I fill in my heart is one that can never be filled until I get to see their faces again.

And yes Karyn, I gave big hugs to as many children as I could. I also had our facilitator share this with the kids, "You are all such amazing, respectful, wonderful kids. You have made the Reed's visit one they will never forget. They thank you for being so welcoming. They also want you to know that if they could, they would not hesitate to bring each and every one of you back to their home because they think you are all so terrific. Have fun at camp."
Posted by Christine at 6:13 AM

OK I think we need the meds

2010-06-15T10:21:00.000-07:00

OK so we decided to stop the Stratera, his ADHD meds for the summer. We don't think it was doing any good or really made very little difference in our lives. He is scatterbrained and hyper and so we are always re directing him. But this is a phone call with my neighbor the other day.

N: Hi just got the message that Brandon might be here and we were to send him home.. We just got home and got the message Did Brandon get home?

Me: Yes, he did... he just left and went running up to your house without informing me...

N: It is ok Lisa Brandon can come up anytime...

Me: But he was in the MIDDLE OF EATING HIS LUNCH...

I thought he was going to the bathroom but apparently he went out to play. Josh said he had left for Anna's and so he called there and left the message for him. Luckily Brandon had come home right away when Anna was not available and yes with re-directing he did finish his lunch.

summer has begun

2010-06-07T19:33:00.000-07:00

We started VBS today and it went quite well. Just had two really tired boys on my hand all day after it was over. After a week of not getting up for something, it was a bit difficult to do it today.

On a sad note, after having wonderful success in getting Brandon to sleep at night, we are being tested again. He is so wound up he can't relax to go to sleep. This is quite common during transition.. i.e. summer to school, school to summer, schedule to no schedule. I need a few more weeks to re train his brain that all is ok and that he won't die he will live and learn to adapt. Teaching this sometimes can be a hardship but I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel.. (or so I hope). I am sure to keep you posted.

Luckily tonight it was a bit difficult, but it only took an hour to get him to sleep, so maybe he is learning more than I thought...

REALLY?!?!?!

2010-06-06T16:30:00.000-07:00

So I am at church talking with some of my friends about kids. Don't ask me what we were saying but something was mention about Brandon and parenting. And my friend turn to me and said "you know my husband and I were talking about you".... ME?

Yes, Brandon is so lucky to have you as a mom. Someone who really cares and takes care of him.

Hmmmm got me thinking, yes he is lucky that I go out and bat for him for school, life, learning how to communicate, learn etc.. but then I have to stop and think... he has given me more patience, understanding of others, closer to my family and really looking at the world in a different way that I guess I have to say thank you Mr. Brandon for teaching me.

First Day of Summer

2010-05-27T05:57:00.000-07:00

Ok so one is up at 7:00 am with me on the first day of summer. I tell him to go back to sleep it is too eary. So since we have been up this am it is now only 8:00 am and I have not been able to do one thing without an interruption. I am tired and angry because I really really wanted to have a bit of a morning to myself and so I am going to have my pity party. WAAAAAASA

So far when I first came downstairs I had to remind this child there was no TV, then to change his clothes (they were smelly) and that started an attitude that I had to quickly remind him that this was not acceptable because he was tired since he has been up so early. Then I had to remind him after he had gone upstairs that the one room he should not go into is the room his brother is in. That is the first room he went into..... so then he comes down within 5 minutes and wants me to fix his telescope that he just took apart. It is only 7:20 am at this time.... no coffee and no he has not changed his clothes.

Then he goes up and changes and then tries again to get me to help him with his telescope. I am ok now since he has changed his clothes and he has tried. I then remind him that Mommy needs a moment.. (no coffee yet)

Now we need cereal... it is 730 am.. I tell him he can get it himself. No I can't he begins to whine.. I then have to explain he needs to try and that whinning children will take naps since they are up so early.... he tries, he CAN and he makes the biggest bowl of cereal. it is now 7:45 am... I had to remind him that he needs to take his medicine, he needs to eat ALL the cereal etc...

Now it is 8:02 am and he is in by me at the computer and wanting me to fix batteries in another toy. Have you finished eating? NO have you taken your meds? no but Mom I am cold and full.................... if this is the way the WHOLE day is going I am in big trouble. The toys is fixed because the child that cannot eat his cereal or take his medicine has figured out that he can open the new battery pack and unscrew the gadget he wants new batteries in and replace them. Now he can't screw it back together so guess who's arm is grabbed as she tries to write (type) please help me.

It is now 825 am and he still has not finish breakfast, or taken his meds, or finished with the gadget.... BUT he has not fought with his brother so I guess it is a good thing.

Sleeping

2010-05-25T05:55:00.000-07:00

Even though school is almost out... I have a child learning to fall asleep. We always struggled with Brandon to fall asleep, he becomes restless and irratated and just plainly disrupted. I have gone to talking with him about fears, to release any thoughts in his head. I have rocked with him, I have laid with him until he falls asleep even if it takes hours.. and have even had the help with Benadryl.

A while ago I read an article called "A Guide to Parenting a Child with FAS." Now this guide is very similar to the Heather Forbes that children live in Fear and they need to be loved. However, a child with Fetal Alcohol can't learn with variables, everything must be concrete, in other words, you can't say "go find something to do." You have to say "go to the other room and play with your legos." You can't say "knock it off" you have to say calmly, "please stop making baby sounds, talke to me as a 9 yr. old" It is so simple but the simpler you make it the easier it is.

So at bedtime about a month ago when Brandon is wigging out as we call it, I calmly remind him that he is tired. He is showing us he is tired by his behaviors. Then after settling in to bed I just say "go to sleep" when he talks or gets silly I just say "go to sleep" and for the most part...(cross fingers) 85% of the time he goes to sleep. THIS IS HUGE

Last night Don was up with the boys at bedtime, he fell asleep. THe boys on their own turn off the lights and went to sleep. You must realize that two years ago even 6 months ago Brandon would have been running around and keeping himself awake. Let's hope this will keep up for the summer.

We did it

2010-05-20T05:44:00.001-07:00

We scheduled our next Disney Trip. I am so excited and I haven't even told the kids yet. This is a huge accomplishment for me. I always spill the beans. I am so bad at keeping secrets from the kids but when one of my children knows of an event he is very restless. He won't be able to sleep because he will be so excited and just not getting the time frame will become very difficult for him he will get angry. So knowing very little until the time comes to go anywhere and then tell him is the only way to go. Makes it harder on me because I remember growing up always enjoying the excitement of going places or for Chritmas..etc. So for now I keep saying Daddy and I are looking at going back to Disney what do you think? and where do you want to stay (show them the hotel) what do you want to do when we go back? etc... the planning game. The kids seem to be into this right now, hopefully by the time they are done with this game it will be time to go.

I have even ordered special T-shirts for us to wear. My husband thinks I have gone off the deep end but this might be our last trip to Disney. Don would like to explore other vacations than just Disney. I am really becoming a Disney Fan.

Now I am really trying to lose a few pounds for the trip as well as for my high school reunion this summer. I started a few months ago but just giving up beer is not enough. Bummer. I guess the late night snacking and ice cream must go as well.

After I posted I realized the photo on top is from our last trip.... TWO YEARS AGO.. I guess time to update the photo.. now from the new Disney Trip or current..

DS (dear son)

2010-05-10T06:03:00.000-07:00

OK a bit of history, Brandon(DS) and I had attachment issues and it took a long time to connect, flash forward and we realize it has a bit to do the FAE. The way he learns a lot of misfires and redirection and we are in a better place.

During the attachment phase we heard a lot of stealing, hoarding, and lying occurs. DS had none of these traits, he was wonderful at school (they thought we were nuts) and we thought we didn't have it that bad. Well yesterday, in the am my DS had taken candy from his brothers room and said it was in his room and so it was his. Well, it got in your room by you, so it really isn't yours but at least his brother didn't want it and he was happy to let his brother have it. But we explain it is stealing.

Then we are at the grocery store and my son is standing there and playing with something in his pockets... honey what is in your pocket? He pulls out keys.. and I look they are a bunch of Dad's work keys and some other keys we have had hanging in the hallway.. keys to the file cabinets and safes..etc.

I "UHm how did they get in your pocket?"
DS "I don't know"
I "so they just ended up in your pocket"
DS "yes"
I "I will need to hold on to them."
DS "ok, mom I don't know how they got there." It was so innocent and yet you know how they get there.
I "your Hands much of taken them and put them in your pocket."
DS "yes, my hands did."
I "was it when your brother and I were out and you were home with dad?"
DS "yes the keys got in my pocket when you were gone"

Well we will have to talk with your hands about this and ways to help you hands control themselves.

Now the most amazind thing to me is... when we got in the house my husband (DH) is looking to make sure we are not missing any keys and my DS walks up to his Dad and hugs his leg and says " I am sorry Dad for taking the keys."

This part is huge for me because he is able to communicate he did something wrong and is aware of it. The question with FAE children, will he remember and not do it again? Will he do it again and have to re learn it all over.. Time will tell.

End Of the Year

2010-05-05T06:39:00.000-07:00

We are getting close to the end of the school year. I am getting excited for summer. This is the my time with the boys. Not just my time, but I get to see their days and what they do and what they encounter and how they handle everyday life. This really helps in learning what is going on in Brandon's mind. Brandon can not or does not process things the way most people do and so it gets hard to understand sometime, where he is coming from. Why does something so small seem to be so HUGE to him. It usually is not that "small" situation he is in, it is something that happen a while ago, a day ago or three weeks ago. He just doesn't know how to process.

So today or this morning after having a long chat with Brandon last night... I had a new child this am. He got dress with minimal reminders, he ate breakfast and got his backpack together and shoes on. This was done with 14 mins to spare to go to the bus, this is early. I was quit impressed and told him so. He then ran upstairs to get something from his bedroom and he even remembered to turn off the light!! Also, remember to flush a toilet (another little struggle).

What does this mean? My child is feeling calm and can make normal decisions and do the things that we expect him to do. Will he do it tonight? Probable not, he will be in school and then they go to third base (after school care) today so he will be a wreck, the amazing little boy I had this am will be an amazing little boy tonight... but at a differenct level. He will be upset, dysregulated and totally out of control.. small calm reminders will bring him to a level to get through the night, I hope I will remember and have the patience tonight.

Melt downs and rebounds

2010-04-23T10:33:00.000-07:00

It has occured to me recently that Brandon tantrums are a lot less. When he is having one he actaul is learning how to have them appropriately. Now some whould say how do you have an appropriate tantrum.??

Well, it used to be he would hit and scream and bang his head. Now he is able to say what is upsetting him (some of the times) and he is leaving before he can hurt anyone and he is going outside and jumping on the small tramperline. Or hits some tennis balls. He is maturing in some ways. Last night when he begam so overwhelmed he cried and cried. He had to be told to lay in his sleeping area and he wept. Then he was able to get over his obsession of something that really wasnt' there but thought he would need. Another trait we are starting to work. Obsessing over what his brother has and he thinkgs he has to have.

Running into the door

2010-04-20T05:21:00.000-07:00

So this morning as usual, my boys are bickering at each other. I get so frustrated with it and sad. It is so hard to watch them not get along and then I get so agitated that I want to scream. Needless to say as usual, one gets quiet and wants to leave and the other gets clingy.

Well Josh (quiet one) said he didn't deserve something and starts to head out the door for the bus. He won't need me. I know it is his way of punishing me and him. So I ask him to stop and tell him I need a hug. He looks at me and says he does NOT need a kiss and hug good bye. I then look at him and say.. I know you don't but I NEED a hug and kiss. He glares and me and smiles... so I take two giant steps to him and he turns to run away... smiling

BUT meanwhile his brother has approached the front door and has open it and the door was wide open... so Josh goes and runs into the door. SMACK the tears come. I hold him while he cries and he clings to me. At least I know he is not that upset with me that he still needs me.

Oh that is what it was... they both (after bickering) decided they didn't deserve a big 50" TV (Don is buying one today) and I am like the TV is not for you it is for their dad. Then the boys want to know what their Dad did to deserve a TV!! Uhm he doesn't fight?!?!

2010-04-14T05:27:00.000-07:00

This is how my son went to school today. Originally he had on a Tank top and shorts, but I got a T-shirt over the tank top.... The shoes are dress shoes with black shocks. I hope kids in the third grade are not too worried about fashion. I know my kid is not... Life is short you can't sweat the small stuff, right?

BBQ

2010-03-18T06:14:00.000-07:00

Ok so Josh comes home yesterday and says Mom do we have plans for Friday? He runs to the calandar and sees if there is anything written on the square for friday. He says good and then grabs a pen and says we are having a BBQ. Excuse me, what?

I told all my friends that we would have a BBQ on Friday and he proceeds to write on the calandar, BBQ 630 830.. Why so late? Because my friend Brandon cannot make it until after 5, his mother works and he can't come earlier. Don't worry I invited the parents so you can have a play date too. Uhmm Josh, you need to ask persmission for this before you invite all these people.

But Mom they all mark yes on the invites!! I have to get a copy of the invitation he wrote to all his friends...and post it. It was really cute. I guess what scared me the most was that I did get a phone call from anther parent asking me if I was having a BBQ!!

calming now

2010-03-09T05:59:00.000-08:00

So far it has been a bit calmer around here. Testing for the state is over and we are closer to Brandon's birthday. I can't believe it. Last week Brandon' asked me how many more days and I said go count. He walked over to the calandar and knew what day it was and then counted until his birthday. I was amazed last year he would not know what day it was or how many days in a week, and now he does... little progress which is Huge.

Josh is going out for tackle football. I hope he does play and not chicken out. Last fall that is all he talked about. He wanted to watch all the games and he would give us the play by plays and practically wear you out. It was nice to see him get so involved, even though it wasn't our team. So to play he has to sell butter braids... he gets into it and has a great sales pitch. Then his attitude is is like no I not selling anymore, it is dumb. Then he will ask again and sell and then he treatens to throw it all away..... I just wish I knew which child would he be when I start the day versus guessing.

Confusion

2010-03-01T05:39:00.000-08:00

I realize I have not posted in a very long time... don't really know why outside of laziness. I have a hard time posting the good things but quick to post the negative things. Why? I dont't know except I might have some unresolved issues I need to figure out. This morning I sat and cried my eyes out because I have a child that when he is so stressed at the age of 8 he acts like a 2 year old. All communication stops and there is no reasoning or consoling that will help. I am really talking to a lost child. It is really quite sad and frustrating. I think I am mostly upset is because I can't reach him at these times and he has to react to his frustrations but they are so sad and upsetting to watch. when this child is not getting what he feels is for himself he will bang his head. I know some of this is his way of regulating himself but it hurts to see him have to do it and if I rush in to hold or say honey you don't need to do that he will become more violent. Today I was to a point all I could tell him was.. I can't talk or help you right now without saying something mean, so I need to walk away and not talk to you. I am afraid of what I might say. He got upset but slowly after another 5 minutes of this he came downstairs and was calmer but still blamed his brother for everything. This makes my heart ache for the other child and I want to protect him and yet this other child is hurting so bad. It becomes a very difficult place for me to balance myself and I begin to lose sight of the the disregulated child needs.

Just putting into words have helped. Now when we come home from school I hope things go a bit better.

Winter

2010-01-19T08:46:00.000-08:00

Off to the New Year

2010-01-19T08:34:00.000-08:00

Kids started school. Going pretty good so far. Brandon keeps coming home disregulated but I have learn he has really begun to settle down in school so far in the new year which explains him coming home a wreck. We received their report cards and Brandon raised a D in language arts to a B... that was wonderful to see. The next question I have to ask is, what is language arts? He has Spelling, Reading, Math, Social Studies, Science, PE Art Music.. those I get, language arts???

Josh kept the same grades but went down in points for most subjects. I think he is getting bored because he is being challenged a bit too much for him. He spends so much time fighting everything whether learning something new or homework and once he settles down... he gets it and he can complete it in less that 20 minutes. It is the 40 minutes of fighting that get exhausting. Whether it be in school or doing homework at home. I really can't complain how they are both doing but I know Josh could settle in and do a bit better. He reminds me of me....

Going to see Grandfather Frost on Saturday through the FRUA group. We had a good time last year I hope it is as much fun as last. I will keep you posted.

Christmas Here and Gone

2009-12-26T08:28:00.000-08:00

Well we made it throught the Christmas holidays. What was really nice was we were able to even stop giving Brandon the Benadryl at night because he was tired and relaxed enough to get some sleep. Usually we are having to help him get some rest for the holidays at night because he is so wound up he can't relax and go to sleep. That was nice to see and enjoy. He has a cold now so we will see how things go.

Speaking of not relaxing, we spent the holidays at my folks and my brother has a very excited boy as well. He is only 5 but he was so worked up for the holidays that by the time he was able to open his gifts Christmas morning he threw up. I think Brandon gets a bit overworked but he has never thrown up over all the commotion. We know my brother's son was worked up because there was no fever and 1/2 way through the day he felt better.

Josh had a great holiday but didn't like the sense of humor on one of his gifts. We gave him an Xbox, but it wasn't the toy...or video game it was a plain white box with an X on it. Couldn't resist giving him the toy. He took it in good stride, and so for Dad's birthday he will give him a rock with the word band on it... rockband...

I am not alone

2009-12-22T21:15:00.000-08:00

I read a few blogs that are out there. I feel for some people and what they have to go through I really do. It is interesting when you read other blogs about people and when they bring their child home and you hear or read how wonderful things are and how they couldn't be happier. And then you see the blog where it goes wrong and there is trouble.

Now I have to admit, there are times I am truly jealous when families bring home their babies and things are going wonderful..... I didn't have that experience. What makes me sad is at one point their blog is turn off or password protected etc.. then you find out they are having lots of issues. Then I feel sad and bad for the families. I want to reach out but I really don't know how, my issues are not the same and some people don't want ot hear from strangers... (shut off their blogs). What is the proper thing to do?

Some respond and are glad to hear from you and don't feel so alone and well some get offended. So for now I just read and only make comments to people I have talked to some how.

I guess I post this because I just got off reading of one family that brought their daughter home and she was doing remarkable and then they vanish from blogging for months... then one day appeared and said their child was RAD, and they posted some of their problems. I really feel for this family. They have worked with her for 1 1/2 years and still some of their closest friends and family don't believe there are issues. Well I have to say if you every questions a family that has adopted and things look wonderful, go and talk with a social worker/ couselor with adoptive kids. They will give you the stats and how this is a HUGE problem in the adoptive world, it is workable and kids can be just fine, but there is lots of help and support from family and friends that are needed.

I guess it made me realize sometime you need ot put yourself out there so others might contact you instead of you contacting them. If anyone is reading my blog.

I said something stupid today

2009-12-03T07:42:00.000-08:00

OK, so I have been wanting Brandon to stay home this week because his cold has gotten worse. Brandon has been insisting on going to school since they have started roller skating in gym... he loves it. So this morning he was sleeping so peacefully I didn't wake him and just woke Josh.

This is working out and I have breakfast with Josh and talking about school and I mention I might do some Christmas decorating today in the hallway. Thinking he would just say ok.... well he didn't say anything but when I went to sign his agenda for school he got very upset with me. I didn't need to sign it, I do it wrong and he will be on yellow it is all my fault... I was like what is wrong with you ? We have to go to the bus please talk to me? He is crying and carrying on and HE was very ANGRY and won't walk with me or talk to me..... so I don't get him on the bus ...

SMACK ME ON THE HEAD: "we are decorating" Brandon was staying home and Josh was going to school... do you think he a bit upset? Could I blame him? I had to apologize, my bad.

Back to School/ Conferences

2009-11-10T06:54:00.000-08:00

We have two boys in school today!! Brandon still has a cough, but it is only in the morning and not during the day. Josh has been fever free for three days and his coughing is almost gone. So I cross my fingers and hope this was as bad as it will get. My husband is home with a bug but his fever is gone, he did get the flu.
Had our teacher conferences last night. Can't say I didn't hear anything that surprised me it was just what I expected. Brandon need lots or redirecting. (Hmmm) and that he is focusing less than earlier in the year.. Let's see, he is settle into the routine, more to start looking around, and the holidays are here and I think he will be a bit more distracted until after the holidays... Sorry teacher and his one on one, it is what we deal with every year and every day. Are you finally figuring this out? Do you think I don't know this, have I not mention this many times? The quote "he is easily distracted" We have mention this for years and I was told many kids are at this age... (psst, it isn't improving).

Josh is doing well. His teacher said "Josh, what can I say, he is such a joy in class" with a giggle, "I was just tickled I got him in my class this year... I wanted to have him since he was in Kindergarten" .. It is so nice to hear that the teachers fight over who gets your child. I guess all the 2nd grade teachers wanted Josh. I am glad his teacher really appreciates having him. He is doing well, just needs to slow down and take his time. :)

Flu or Cold?

2009-11-04T06:14:00.001-08:00

Joshua has been coughing for a few days now... On Monday there were only 11 out of 25 kids in his class and then yesterday it was only 8. So yesterday I kept him home due to his cough, luckily he had no fever... but this am he rose with 100 temp and is now sitting on the couch watching TV looking miserable.

I just hope it doesn't get worse over time and that this will be the worst it is. It is the chronic cough that is getting frustrating. So the question is does Josh have a could or start of the flu?

New Thoughts

2009-10-15T06:17:00.000-07:00

As my hubbie and I talked more last night about our Brandon we came to some realizations. One that every Fall through Christmas our son is a total wreck. We know this but we forget in the throws of frustration because we have gone from a somewhat normal life, to that of a constant disruptive life. Nothing horrible like some people experiences, but enough to remind us that something isn't quite right. We know that over time and remembering that our child, at this time in life, he has to be a two year old. It is the only way Brandon can cope with everything. He needs to regress to do well in school, play and life during the BTS - Holidays. Fall is hard. A very disrupted time for him, he left a hospital to go to an orphanage and then a year later in Fall he went from the orphanage to our house... major moves.

It hurts because you are angry the child is so dysregulated and you can't reach him. In order to cope, we have to step back to a time he is comfortable. That happens to be two years old, a time when we brought him into our lives and he must of felt some safety and love. Now as he is older we have to remind him and comfort him and baby him and let him go off so he can handle the world around him. It can be difficult when you have to regress but it is what we need to do for him.

The second thing is will finding a new label or diagnosis really help? Is he manic? Bi-polar? Maybe, but I don't think what we face everyday with Brandon it is something we need to know right now. He is only 8 and very immature (besides from above). He can hold it together for school and for other people, just not us. If we learn now, would we benefit from the stress we feel? I really don't know... constant appointments and putting him under a microscope doesn't seem to be the answer or solution for us right now. We realized after talking, we are frustrated but not that frustrated. Not like we were when we looked into attachment.

Anyone who has struggle with a child would understand, the difference between what is tolerable and what or when you need to seek outside help. Right now I don't think it would help us, only add some frustrations. Sometimes you need to vent and re group and think of your decisions.

Life as we know it

2009-10-14T06:20:00.000-07:00

I have been reading other blogs and some families are in Ukraine right now adopting their children. I am so happy for them. It makes me remember my journey there and everything we went through and how far we have come.

We have our monthly meeting for attachement challenge children and Don and I were the focus of everything. We got on a roll about Brandon's behavior at bedtime. Now you are not suppose to focus in on his behaviors but rather "why" he is having this behavior and we keep coming up with "he is afraid to go to sleep" and someone mention maybe he is afraid we will be gone in the morning.. we have woken up with him for the last 7 years so that is hard to fathom. And yet it is very true... traumatized childrne live in constant fear and sometimes these fears don't really go away and they learn to cope. However, Brandon is not learnign to cope, he handles it like he always does, he gets loud and disruptive in the home.

So what to do? It was dicussed last night it might be more than fetal alcohol and more manic depression. How do you know if a 8 yr old is manic or bi-polar? We think it is time to test him and figure these things out. Scary because you really don't want to learn your child is manic or bi polar or anything more than you can handle. But on the other hand, I am told the medicines available now with the proper diagnose can help the child rather than harm or have the child live with a high and low.

September and off and running

2009-09-22T05:52:00.000-07:00

I am not very good at keeping up with this blog. I get lazy and think I have nothing to write and then I sit and realize there are many things to write about.
Brandon has started third grade. He is growing up and yet he is still my little child. There are days he is so dysregulated that I have to stop and re think how far we have come. In pre-school he would come home and be angry all the time, we found out he was emotionally challenge and had attachment issues. So we start Kindergarten and encourage this behavior to teach our dysregulated son that we are here for him. So in Kindergarten, Brandon comes home everyday and has a meltdown that last for almost two hours.... I am talking screaming yelling, biting, hitting and just pure frustration. 1st grade he comes home and it is fighting mainly with his brother and he is angry but not as bad.... can't focus on homework and we are still working on attaching. 2nd grade, it took us til almost the end of the year for Brandon to start processing homework and actually doing it. Spelling words, like his brother in first grade.... took prompting but was getting it with some meltdowns but nothing like in K.

NOW- coming home and regrouping and then for the most part can pull himself together and do some homework, with little or no issues and re-directing. A light bulb has turned on. I am amazed I still have my issues from time to time, but nothing like I used too.

Josh continues to amaze me. He gets it. He matures and he watches the daily struggles with his brother and he just thinks this is normal. There is nothing wrong with his dysregulated brother but there is. Josh is doing great in 2nd grade. The same issues as in every year, he needs to slow down and not rush as well as re-checking his work. His teacher is not worried about his acedemics... he is on target. He could be above but he hates to work too hard at it. So he gets by pretty easy and when it gets difficult then he gets frustrated.

Back To School

2009-08-26T12:01:00.000-07:00

We started back to school and just as I suspected... very difficult for Brandon and easy for Josh. Or so it seems. I think they both have very good teachers this year so I am very excited. Josh had a good teacher last year, but Brandon's teacher wasn't much for communicating with me.
We had a wonderful summer and I was sad to see it end. Now that school has begun I really miss my summer. We were able to do so much this summer and not just vacations but going to the local pool, playgrounds, hanging with friends, visiting relatives, we had fun. Both boys could handle the travel around, the confusion of what to do and all the fun. HArd to believe Brandon needs so much routine because he handle last summer wonderfully. Ok we had our moments but mainly fun.
Now we are back to our routine of school. Very hard for Mr. B but over time I hope he can adapt to everything. I have to remember to be very very patience. I am not always calm and that does not help. He is so dysregulated he doesn't even make sense. Then I dont' make sense and then we all fall apart.

4th of July

2009-07-08T05:54:00.000-07:00

Well we made it to Six Flags Great America in Chicago this 4th. It was not very crowded like we had been told which is very nice. A lot of people have other plans on this holiday. It might have been the weather too. It was to rained all morning and it didn't look like it would be nice day either. But it wasn't going to rain in the evening for the fireworks show and since my kids really don't or can't do a lot of the rides we decided to give it a chance.

It rain for the first hour we were there and then stopped. I think it was because I got our slickers out and started carrying the big bag around. I told Don, I would rather hold the bag and carry it all day then put in the car and have it rain again. Guess what? It didn't rain after that.

We went to a dance party at the Hometown Square and then got invited to be in the parade in the evening. So I guess acting like an idiot with your kids, gets you a special ride on the trolley. We didn't get to see the parade, which was fine, we were in it. We got to meet the characters afterward, but my boys wanted to see the fireworks. They walked right by them to see the fireworks. This from two boys that stop to see every character whether they knew them or not.

cleaning rooms

2009-06-29T09:18:00.000-07:00

Ok so the boys are told to clean their rooms by Dad. They were so bad and I knew I would have them clean today, Monday, since we had no major plans... Finally a restful summer boring day.
Anyway Don made a nice stink about it so the boys were inform on Sunday night before bedtime that they would have to clean their rooms early Monday so they could play.

This morning both boys are sleeping in and at around 8:00 am I heard a noise upstairs. I went to investigate and I go into Josh's room and he is trying to hang his clothes. (he can't reach the rack he is too short). I ask him what he is doing and he said he wanted to clean his room right away so he could go play. YEAH so I help him a bit and we finish and go downstairs. About an hour later Brandon wakes up and comes downstairs.

Good morning Brandon, did you see your brother clean his room. He smiles and says yes. Ok so when are you going to clean yours? Mom I already did.

You already did? Let me see and as I start to go upstairs Brandon is grinning from ear to ear over this... and then says... Yes I shoved it all under my bed.

Road Trip

2009-06-29T06:52:00.000-07:00

We went on a roadtrip last weekend to Springfield. Don went to work while I packed up the car and we figured we would be on the road by one o'clock.

Josh woke up telling me he needed breakfast because his throat hurt. How bad does your throat hurt? I just need food, so I took his temp. it was only at 99.5 and I thought he might be a bit tired because we have had some busy summer weeks and he really hasn't been sleeping long. He started crying when I even suggested holding off on the trip and going another time. He kept telling me he was fine and that he wanted to go. His throat "quit hurting" after this exchange.

So we leave and start the road trip, about an hour and half in to the ride we decide to stop and eat some lunch. Josh goes to the booth and lays down. He complains of a headache and doesn't want to eat. I force a french fry on him telling him he hasn't really eaten and that may be why his head aches. While I hand him the fry I touch his forehead.... yep, he is burning up.. I go and get the thermometer to take his temp. (I thought I should take it along on the trip just in case) so I take it, and yes his temperature is now 103.3, Time to turn around and go home. And yes, he ended up throwing up those fries on the drive back home. Yeah, love stopping on the highway holding a cup for a child.

By 8:00 in the evening, he ate and drank and was fine and his temp went back to 99.0. A short lived flu, but enough to take him down for a day. Saturday was calm with little activity and his temp rose a bit, so another day of rest was needed. Luckily the hotel believes in not charging until 4:00 the day of check in. We called to cancel at 3:35 pm.

New Meds

2009-06-29T06:49:00.000-07:00

I hate posting of the new meds for Brandon, because then things take a strange turn. Anyway, we took him off the Adderall and he is completely on Strattera only. So far, his attention is fine not too distracted... still distracted but more like an 8 yr old. But the great news, he is eating. He might be hitting a growth spurt too which may be why he is eating too. Plus it is summer and a lot more hanging around time that he thinks he need food. Being that he is so skinny and it is not alway junk food... I am ok with it.

VBS

2009-06-08T05:49:00.000-07:00

We are starting vacation bible school this morning. School just ended last Wednessday and between a few appts on Thurs and then picking up report cards on Friday I don't feel we have starting summer vacation. A picnic on Sunday and Saturday was the last of soccer.

I want those lazy days where you get up and decide what you are going to do. So far this summer I feel like I have been going going going and it is suppose to be summer break. I can't even take a moment to write a complete thought on the boys website.

I do know my boys are growing and becoming more assure of themselves and life around them. It is very enjoyable to watch and be a part of. Brandon wants to only take one part of his meds. I don't know if is because I told him a while ago the goal was to get to one pill or if he realizes the one pill is too much. I don't think he is capable of that but then I don't know.

I don't know how people can update their websites every day. I barely can get in these thoughts and type them. Some people I know even post pictures!! UGH I need to remember to bring a camera with me everywhere.

More later..... when I have time (ha ha ha)

FAE or something else?

2009-05-18T06:06:00.000-07:00

I know I don't go into big details about Brandon, but there has always been something a bit off about him. No necessary in a bad way but in a way that makes you stop and think.

Anyway we went to a seminar yesterday about FASD-Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder. Basically this problem is very broad and very hard to diagnose. So there (FA groups) are advocating to get some legislation to help kids. This is a disease that is not curable or fixable. It is brain damage from in-utero. Woman taking drugs or alcohol during pregnancy. Which is quite common in EE countries that we have adopted from.

These types of kids cannot process things the way we can. They have to learn everything for every situations and have to learn it over and over again. Telling a child not to talk to strangers is not good enough. You have to go to parks, museums, schools, playgrounds and repeat this over and over. They dont' get it they way you or I would. They live in a dream world which is how I would describe it. They can't grasp reality.

Luckily for us, Brandon is not as severe as some but not enough for the "average" person to figure out something is not right. So currently he is going through school about average. I think after being at this seminar, I am going to see this slip as time goes on. From what I learned. I think his services will go up and they will wonder why he used to get it and now he doesn't. I already talk to the school and I get a smile and a aha.. from them but they don't see or understand the depths of it. They don't disagree there is an issue but how bad or severe it is won't be known until later in life.

For instant, this am Brandon was going on and on about how his brother would not change the channel on the TV. He told me that he had asked his brother nicely and said please but Josh would not change the channel. So I explaine that if his brother is watching a show and he came in after it started his brother didn't need to change the channel. And that if he was watching TV and his brother came in and asked him to change the chaneel he would not have too either.

So in his mind he said that he didn't need to change the channel when his brother asked because he would remind him that when he had asked nicely his brother didn't change the channel so he won't have to change the channel. Not quit grasping the situation, or why his brother didn't have to change the channel. It is not about because his brother didn't so he wouldn't have too. It is about what happen before you came in the room. That is the part he doesn't grasp. Even with repitition. And before all kids are like that, it is different and if anyone has dealth with an FAE child they would get it. It is not the same.

Learning new things

2009-05-11T05:51:00.000-07:00

So at breakfast this morning, my dear son Brandon showed me the lastest thing he learned at school.

Displaying his middle finger.

I asked him what did that mean? (because he had a smile on his face a mile wide)..... and he said.. Showing your middle finger? I then asked who showed you? A boy in my class......... you know the child - the one that sits in the principle office sometimes.

Well, honey we don't show that finger. Why not? Because it really represents something we don't need to say to others.

So then what does Josh do? Show me his middle finger!! LOL

Retreat

2009-05-05T18:35:00.000-07:00

I went to a retreat last weekend and had an interesting time. I never realized my emotions were buried deep. However, they really weren't buried, they we not coming out. In other words, I have a voice and I need to use it. I come from a family where you didn't say much about feelings but you knew what the other were thinking. You just did, and if you didn't, someone would tell you. But now I have learn you have to say your thoughts so people know. But you don't need to shout, and sometimes your feelings are your feelings, they just are and nothing more about it.

So when a child hits that cord in you and you want to shout, you need to stop and breathe. Something from your past makes you "freeze" and "react" however, children with special needs due to adoption backgrounds are not going to respond when you "react" they fight. They learn from you by being influence by you and teaching. So I learn to stop take a breath and think about my feelings, let it be and then to Not put my feelings on the child but to be with the child in the now to help him. So if Brandon acts out, instead of screaming at him "reacting" just to stop and breath to have my "feelings" and then to move on and help Brandon through his.. be in the moment/now. We did an exercise where I was angry and my coaches told me it was ok to be angry and I was safe... boy did that hit home. I could honestly relax and feel my body be angry. I also realized the many times I have held Brandon and said those words, "ok to be angry" and "you are safe" and I realize how much those words with touch can help you. It is very calming.

I also learned that it is ok for me to be happy. To enjoy the moments I have with my kids and not to worry when the other shoe will fall. To be in the now and relax and enjoy and be happy and in the now with my boys, spouse etc. The happiness might end but I can be ok with that. If my spouse is not happy I can still be happy. Those are his feelings, not mine.

Ramblings, flu and summer

2009-05-05T18:22:00.000-07:00

The schools have been closed for the last two days due to the Swine Flu. Now the CDC says, hey you don't need to close the schools. Oh well, we were getting out on a Monday but now it moves to Wednessday. I guess I would rather have three days used in a week for school versus one. What do you do with one day of school left and it is on a Monday?

But if the last few days are any indication on how our summer is going to be... I have to set some serious rules for the boys. Getting out 5 things without putting anything back is going to drive me crazy. So I think some rules as to the number of things to do before they move on will be enforced. Having friends over and eating me out of house and home and then complain to me when they have to go to the grocery store....

I think we are at the age where a bit of responsibility on them is in order. And practicing how to be polite to one another. The "I hate my brother" is a bit old and troublesome to me. I remember hating my siblings growing up and fighting but this is a whole new level for me.

Starting new meds with Brandon, the 15 mg was too much and the 10 mg is not enough, so we will go to the lower level of 10mg and start the Stratera (?) since the Stratera takes about 6 weeks to fully get into his system. Supposedly this will help with his inabiltiy to sleep. I would always find a reason, birthday, Easter but I think it is the meds.

He might be getting it.

2009-04-27T05:57:00.000-07:00

I haven't written in awhile because nothing too eventful. Just the usual stuff, Brandon crashes from his medicine and has a fit and throws a tantrum. We are getting better at handling them and trying to work him through it.

However, on some levels, Brandon is using appropriate words to things. He is stating things like I hate when you do that or this because it makes me feel sad, bad, mad, or uncomfortable. Uncomfortable? Yes, he is saying uncomfortable and miserable or feeling hurt inside. This is amazing since his vocabulary is huge but he never could really communicate what he is truly feeling inside. Now he is. So now to help him grow more in this Don and I have to acknowledge this and not say anything more.

It makes him uncomfortable when we have to remind him, so we have to say we are sorry you were uncomfortable or sad, and nothing more. You really want to say "well if you would focus and stay on task or do it when you are told or whatever" it is a mute point. He can't understand more than that we acknowledge his feelings. So to strenghten our relationship with him.. the only thing we can do is to acknowlege and empathize. He won't understand why we say things to him or what he could do not to get to that place of uncomfortablenesss, he is not ready. He just needs to know we understand him and his feelings. How long do we need to do this? I would say awhile before we can help him or offer him some more advice on how to handle things. It is like teaching a two year old, lots of baby steps. It is just remembering not to say too much.

It is true less is more. This is really true with a child with ADHD and other issues. What exactly is Brandon's other issues? We are not really sure. We are letting things run their course and see how he develops.

Joshua is so typical. Right now he wants to play with the older kids and when I talked to him about this he said he is tired of being the little guy. Playing with the older , bigger guys makes him feel older and taller. I guess he is the shortest kid in his class (I don't think so) and everyone is calling him little man. He is so darn cute though I don't notice how little he is. But he does and I am sure this brings us lots of mixed emotions for him as to wondering about his birth family. Why is he so short? He is not tiny he is short and I am wondering about hormone shots but that would be painful from what I understand. He was so malnorished when he came home that it does effect him through life. He has grown a lot this year so far but still not quit on the height scale. It makes him angry sometimes. Again understanding this and big hugs help him through it.

Action Heroes

2009-04-07T06:35:00.000-07:00

My boys love to dress up and play... they are Batman, Pirates and Indiana... They used to love being Fireman. I am beginning to wonder if they will grow up and do some type of work as a policeman or fireman or detective. I can buy a clearance costume for under $4.00 and they will have fun for hours. I guess it is better than playing on the Wii or computer games. Just had to show off a photo.

One Birthday Down

2009-03-23T06:08:00.000-07:00

It is not like I am against birthdays or birthday parties I love them. It is just when this one birthday party takes a child to a whole new level of parenting I have to stop and think. Brandon had his 8th birthday on the 15th,. We have been through many struggles with Brandon and this year, for the first time, Brandon really understood what his birthday meant. This meant for him that he would have birthday presents and he even asked for a birthday party. What is so special about that? He never even knew when his birthday was before or what it really meant. He was excited for it and he started counting down for it.

Unfortunately he was so excited he couldn't take it. He couldn't sleep about three weeks before his birthday and then he was very upset when I couldn't schedule his bowling birthday party until the 22nd. "That is not my birthday date" but he slowly adapted. Although he couldn't sleep well and was very restless until the big day I have to say for his birthday party he was a great little host. He bowled and was not controlling, shared the lane with friends. He thanked everyone for his gifts as he open them ( a bit of coaching prior by mom) but he remembered and was very happy with all his gifts. He even was helpful in handing out the goody bags I had made up. At first, he wanted all the bags, he didn't quit get that he would get presents and they got the bag. But he did and he was an true 8 year old.

This is when you have to stop and think of progress. Josh understood his birthday at 4 and that family got him gifts and sang to him and that you need birthday candles... or as he used to call them "dunnies".. had a bit of a speech problem. But even with a speech problem he could communicate what he wanted. It was nice to see Brandon trying to communicate what he wanted. He got a bit upset at times because he could not put into words or thoughts of what he needed but he is learning. He was like a four year old at times this past month and yet he was an 8 year old.

George George George

2009-03-18T04:11:00.000-07:00

OK so our big cat George is technically an indoor cat. We got him from the Humane Society so they prefer to keep them indoors. However, when you live by fields and the other cat goes outside everyday, it is a losing battle. BUT this cat everytime he goes out, George ends up injuring himself. I don't like to let him go outside. As Spring has come I have been letting him out as I take the boys to the school bus and then bring him in when I return. It has been cold enough that he wants out for a bit. Well the other morning I let him out earlier in the dark because it was warm out and the other cat wanted out so bad so I sent both.

George did not come home.

I had to go to a seminar and I didn't want to miss it, and I called everywhere. Looked through the fields, I mean he had only been gone an hour how far can he go? Far away I guess, and I could not locate him. I was bumming and figure he would turn up while I was gone. No show. Then in the evening we looked and looked and looked. No George. I went to the neighbors and no has seen him. I went to the cranky neighbors (long story) You begin to wonder if someone has taken him in. He is very friendly. I even called the sanitary dept. to make sure they have not picked up white road kill.

Two nights in a row without the cat coming home. Two nights of staying up and checking every two or three hours to see if he is at the back door to come in.

Finally this morning, he came home. He was gone almost 48 hrs. And yes he wanted out again today and I am like "no way". I need sleep.

School Bus

2009-03-09T05:50:00.000-07:00

So this morning Josh is being a real pill. He is having an attitude with me this morning. I know he is upset that he has to go to shool and his brother is staying home to go to the doctors. He is also a bit mad because I won't let him have hot lunch and I won't let him eat breakfast at school. I am sorry but I am not going to pay money so he can have a breakfast bar, I have them here.

After asking him twice if he wants two sandwiches (they are small) he starts to cry. I ask him what is wrong and go over to hug him. He yells "don't touch me" and I pick him up to hold him and he lets out a big wail I mean a loud wail that wakes up his brother. He puts his head on my shoulder and starts to really cry.
He then wants to stay home with me and not go to school etc.. after a bit of coaxing I get him to tell me the reall problem. He is being bullied on the school bus. The kids he has to sit next to are mean to him they take his hat and call him short and other things that kids do. So I ask if he tells the bus driver and he said no, but he has hit him back "not real hard" but I tell him that is not good.
After we discuss the situation and what he can do instead on the bus to help him he feels a bit better. Then I offer to take him to school today. THis makes him happier, he might need a little help from Mom today and feel special with his brother staying home.. Besides we are running out of time and his brother is awake now anyway.
So on the drive to school, Josh tells me how last year he got moved on the bus. Why were you moved Josh, I got into a fight. WHAT? So who is the bully here?

I am sure he does not help the situation, but I don't think he is starting it. I had to explain it is tough for me to argue that you are being bullied when you are being moved for hitting. So he is not alowed to hit, but to say to the other kid "please stop" and then tell the bus driver. I think I have to be a bit more attentive to what is going on on the bus. I wish I could be a fly on the wall to find out what is going on. I will let you know.

Typical Morning?

2009-03-06T06:07:00.000-08:00

OK so as usually Brandon is very distracted and cannot seem to get ready for school. I am getting frustrated but staying calm. He had to take a quick bath this morning and well an added step in a routine is not good for an ADHD child.

Anyway while I keep following up on him, Josh is running around the house with a new backpack which really isn't a new backpack but one he used to use and decided that he should start using it again. As I am being disstracted by Brandon I am not really paying attention to Josh as he mumbles something and goes downstairs with his backpack.

So when I get downstairs a bit frustrated at Brandon because now I really have to keep him focus which can be exausting because you have to stay calm and focus for him...

Then I go downstairs to find Josh has been cutting his backpack. Why is he cutting his backpack??? Josh wants only one shoulder strap that he can place over his body cross ways, like over one shoulder and then across his front with one strap not two. So in his mind he should just cut off the other strap. He was like Mom can you cut this off? I just started to laugh and told him that it isn't necessary to cut off the strap but to keep it "in case" someday he might want to use it as a backpack.

All you can do is laugh. One is keeping you on your toes and the other child you let wander about because he can make some smart decisions but sometimes you need to stop and really pay attention to the other one. Luckily he wasn't in the mood to cut his bangs.

Meds, Birthday, Wii

2009-03-03T05:41:00.000-08:00

OK, so for the last few weeks Brandon has been extremely restless. I mean not falling asleep until 10-10:30 at night. We still do the bedtime routine at 8:00 and hope and prayer he will sleep. We gave up trying to force it on him. We just told him that if he could not sleep instead of running around the house and being disruptive that he could stay in his room and do something quiet. He could read a book, play with his toys anything as long as it was in his room and would not be loud to keep his brother awake. That seem to work a few nights he would be up late and then he learn to put him self to sleep by 9:00 to 9:30. Improvement but not long lasting.

So then I got to thinking maybe it is the Wii, it seems everytime he plays extended time on the Wii he was not going to sleep. Or so the corrolation seems to be. Then we notice he was yelling and screaming more when he talks to us or rude and very mean to his brother. Talking with another mother with a child that has similar issues we realized playing video games brought out the ugly side of our children. Which is sad, becasue with a child with ADHD, video games are one thing they do focus on. However, that also can stimulate some part of the brain so it won't shut off and then the child becomes very disresptful... so you have to limit the game playing. Being that Brandon has other issues it might be too much for him.

I also wonder if the meds are too much for him. So last night as he is restless again and he can't sleep I try talking to him. What is going on Brandon, why can't you sleep? And Brandon tells me that he is so excited for his birthday party. He can't sleep. So simple.

A few years ago, Brandon would be so excited for Santa that he would not be able to sleep in the month of December, he would be this restless. We learn to help him by giving him some help with a tsp of Benadryl. Many people do this, I don't recommend this but it has helped us have a better holiday season when he could sleep.

Unfortunately, children with ADHD, attachment and issues have a very hard time with time concepts. So for them to wait, they really cannot. It can be very draining. Plus with little sleep it makes it worse. I am sure it is also a combo of the Wii and meds but you need to focus on one thing at a time. I will see how things go and the little bottle of Benadryl might have to be used.

As for school, things are going better. I am meeting with his teacher once a week and I am feeling better about him moving up a grade. I used to worry so much about it and now I am feeling better about it. He is a very smart child.

Speaking of smart, guess how smart Josh is... OK so he has a substitute teacher last week. So for the first night he is suppose to do his math facts. But he forgot his math flashcards at school so he can't do it. If his teacher was there and he had forgotten, he would have to have flipped his card for forgetting his work. However, he had a sub and she won't check if they brought them home or not and he knows he won't have to flip his card. So why bring it home? He knew what he had to do and what he could get away with. I call him my little stinker with a smile.

The Best Day Ever

2009-02-25T05:20:00.000-08:00

Well we made it to the dells and had a great time. The boys didn't want to stop swimming so we spent the entire day in the water. We forgot to bring our camera and then decided we have been there enough we really didn't need to capture it. Then I am thinking, that is really dumb because we do need to capture the moments where your kids get along and are willing to try anything.

Josh is my cautious one, and won't try new things... but we push him enough he will try. And of course the minute you are done on a new water ride the first thing out of his mouth is "cool, can we do it again." Why don't your kids trust you the first time?

Brandon went on a ride that he was barely tall enough for and it ending up scaring him he got angry at his dad. Then after we got home and he thinks about his trip he decided the scary ride was the best thing ever.

Both boys were a bit tired yesterday and mad that the fun was all over. Now I have to teach them how to appreciate what they got.....................

Nothing on Sat

2009-02-22T06:15:00.000-08:00

Well so far my weekend is not going as planned. Due do the snow storm that blew in late on Friday night into Saturday morning we decided not to go out early Saturday for the basketball game. I wasn't ready to drive in snow covered roads and see accidents or be in one. I am horrible when the weather gets bad and I have to drive. So we decided not to go to the basketball game. Which gave me more time to get ready for the Cultural Event.

However, some of the entertainers were North of us where the storm was worse and couldn't make it so we ended up cancelling the event to a later date. Don't know when it will be but later. It took the group almost two hours to decide if we should have the event or not. Then you have to stop and think of the kids, being on the roads and was it really worth it when things were so crappy. A very hard decision for all of us to make. But one I think after we made it, we were glad. I know we made a good decision when I was sitting at the computer and looked out the window and saw the snow coming down sideways due to the wind... and thought to myself there is no way I would want to drive in that.

Now we are suppose to get ready and go to the dells, however my dear husband and son (the one that can't sleep) are still sleeping............. to wake them up or not to wake them.

just life

2009-02-19T05:16:00.000-08:00

OK, so I am taking the boys to choir practice last night and get half way there and almost end up in an accident. Why can't the city put down salt on busy roads when the weather changes from above freezing to below in a matter of minutes and snow and ice are accumulating on the roads. Why do they wait until there are accidents all over the place when the city realizes.. hmm maybe we should salt the icy roads. If they could be a bit pro active. I know we are low on salt but quickly doing the main roads will help, this way many people can get home safely.

We were almost in one accident and saw two accidents on the way home. I couldn't believe how quickly the roads were covered in sheets of ice and still people drive like the roads are dry and will ride your tail thinking you will speed up on icy roads. EERRRRRRRRRRRRR

Josh is feeling better, but he was very tired this morning because we got home later than usual last night. But I made him go to school, and I hope he is feeling ok. I would hate for him to relaspe and have to stay home this weekend. We are planning a big trip to the dells. Also, I didn't give Brandon his meds this morning. He has not fallen asleep until almost ten the last few nights and I don't know if it is because of his meds or playing the Wii or just worried about school. So we thought we would go a day without meds to see if he can cope and sleep tonight.

It is going to be a busy weekend. We have a basketball tournament and then we are going to a Cultural Event that I help put together with other adoptive moms. I will be making some borsht for it and other moms bring different food from various cultures or countries. It is fun to taste food from all over. Plus lots of desserts!! We also have some entertainment and crafts for the kids. Then we leave for the dells..

But now I just heard they is a snow storm coming this weekend!! AGH!