It is July, it is Josh's birthday. This boy is my sensitive sweetheart with heart of gold. He loves us and his extended family and loves to celebrate. So what is the big deal? Well we celebrated his birthday the other day and his brother did wonderful (another post) and all is well. We are leaving for a trip and I wanted him to have his birthday gifts before we go.... not a big deal right?
Well if you have an adopted child what do you thing a birthday brings up?? YEP his birth mom and that somewhere a time ago a person rejected him. How can the most secure person feel this way?? well they do, and it so deep they don't even know they are feeling it. I didn't help my child much yesterday and I wished I had gone into his room with a better attitude than I did but yet we got the elephant out in the open.
It started when the boys decided that they didn't need to listen to me or respond when I spoke to them. They wanted to giggle and be silly. Which is fine but it started because they were not getting along and then a friend came over and well things escalated. So I decided it was time for them to spend some extra time with me. Over a period of time, Josh went to his room to put away some clothes and wait for further instruction. When I went to his room he had just shoved his clothes that were neatly folded into his dresser drawers and well they were hanging out. His room looked awful because stuff from his closet was all over. I suggested he clean it up and he said "when I want too and that is how I roll" uhm I said "no, you need to do this now while I am here to help." Josh "I will when I want too".... excuse me??? So he relented and started taking the costumes from his floor and rolling them into a ball and threw them into the closet. "hey Josh that is not how we fold and put things away." Josh "they are my things and I can do what ever I want with them and treat them how I want."
OK where is this attitude coming from and he never gives me a hard time and YES I admit it I lost it with him. The attitude the comments just ripped at me. So I pulled the costumes from the closet andtold him he should fold them and I would help put them back up. Well he got upset and started yelling how we think we own everyhting and he doesn't own anything and he is a "nothing" and he didn't deserve anything.. and he started taking everything off his headboard and telling me to take it he didn't need it. He didn't need his clothes or his toys or his bed or anything. My child was so upset he got naked to prove he didn't need anything and put all his belonging on his bed and told me to take them because bottom line "he deserves nothing because no one cares"
While he was throwing his tantrum I calmly started folding all of his clothes to help him (when he was done) to put them back. He was so upset he ranted for a half an hour about things. So after I folded his clothes (all from his dresser) I went over and gave him a hug and a kiss. He slapped me and I hugged him tighter and told him he did deserve a family and he did deserve to put on some clothes. I handed him back the clothes he had and he wouldn't put them on but just kept yelling at me and I just held him and as he said he didn't need me he held my legs down so I wouldn't leave. His actions were so different than his tone. I just slowly sat there with him and let him rant. When he slowly began to settle down, Don had come home. He spoke with Josh about how frustrated he must be and that little boys need to learn rules and how to treat adults etc.. Another angle but he also told him he deserved a family etc.... and gave him a hug. We gave Josh some time and he picked up his room and felt better and I offered to help, but he wanted to do it on his own.
Later that evening Josh said "thanks for adopting me" and Don said " you don't have to thank us, we wanted you. We should be thanking you, you don't ever have to thank us." a hard concept for them since they have to learn how to be decent people by learning how to follow rules and how to be respectful to other people. Oh what Birthdays can do.
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