wow been awhile

So of course you write something as you are in the moment and it is a very big deal and then the poster drops out and you don't hear anymore.  This is very frustrating and I realized this is Exactly what I have done many times over.  it is easy to do, so if anyone is really reading this blog, please accept my apologies.  If you haven't a clue, then there is no worries.

Anyway, as I flutter through time with my children I have realized 2 things.  One is that I love them and I really look forward to being with them.  When I think I can't get things done and I have some time while they are in school, I am excited.  then, I realize I am looking at the clock and waiting for them to come home.  then they come home and I am ready for them to go back.  I am not sure what that really means but I know when they are out of my site and dealing with the world I miss them.  I worry about them and I want the best for them.  Secondly, I really want them to be the best that they can be, but I find myself correctly all their mistakes instead of cheering on the good things.

I want them to be perfect, and there is no such thing.  I want them to know things that I didn't growing up and how it reflects on them and family.  Then I realize I need to make sure they know they are safe.  They can be who they want to be.  I really want them to be so happy and over the moon and yet that isn't realistic.  you don't learn by having things always working out your way.  you need to be inconvenienced and frustrated.  You will learn that you will live and the people (family) will be by you no matter what.  I hope they know that and there are days I think they do and then there are days they think no one cares.  This breaks my heart.

heavy heart - I will always love him

This is scary and sad but reality.  It is with a heavy heart you realize at some point how confused lost your child really is.  As a parent you can't parent them like you think you should.  You love them and you want what is best for them all the time but they don't get that.  They start to see you as using prompts and reminders to get through the day as negative stuff and bad.  You no longer have a voice in their mind.  They will be polite to others and they will show respect and understanding but when they come home they collapse and become a person you can't reach or talk to anymore.  so you have to turn your heart to stone to get through the day and no longer show any feelings because at this point they don't have it themselves.

Then you wonder will it ever help?  Do you really reach a child that has FASD and their emotional ability is so low and not maturing?  Can they ever understand what can happen when they take their daily frustrations out on you?  As a human you can only have your heart stomped on so many times before you become numb to something.  But as this child is constantly stomping on my heart and making me so sad and frustrated I still want to help him.  I still want what is best for him.  so what do I have to do?  I think I have to turn OFF my heart and turn ON my head and move in a zone.  I don't want to parent this way at all.  The emotional highs and lows can no longer happen with this child.  However, to effectively parent a child with FASD this is what you have to do.

You have to remove your emotions and function through the day with no emotion.  It doesn't feel like being a parent it feels like a drill sergeant or someone who does not care about this individual but this is how to parent him right now.  He is confused and he is learning he is different.  He is trying to cope and part of that coping is taking it out on you.  However, you will always have little fires to put out with this child as you go in circles that you can't keep it up anymore.  So you have to stop and live in his world.  There can be no emotion just the black and white.

Do you still love him?  Yes you do but now it is not with your heart it is with your mind.  This is the way you have to be.  Tough decisions are lurking and you need to be strong to make the right choices for the child.  Hopefully and I pray there is so much love that it will be understood by him before it is too late.  I will always love him no matter what.  If this does not make sense to anyone then they have not dealt and lived with a child with FASD. 

Interest what a birthday does

When I was a kid I looked forward to my birthday.  Getting presents and eating cake.  I was a princess in the family for the day.  A happy time and I didn't really reflect what my parents were feeling/thinking about.  I am sure they were remembering things I could not of cared about since I was too young to know, but what if you are adopted?    It is not the same.

I was reviewing my child's grade today and notice a pattern and a realization on how their birthdays really reflect some kids.  The week of Brandon's birthday his grades dropped.  He is FASD which means he is emotionally younger than his age so he get very excited.  Looking at the grades I have to ask is it his "emotional" side causing this lack of focus or is there more?
Tried to put in a picture but blurry. 
grades went from B's and A's to  D's and C's for that week in classes with weekly assignments.

Is he thinking about the day he was born and who gave him life and where are there and why?  Or is he just emotionally that immature that he can't focus?  I guess I will have to  watch this next year as well.    Luckily our other child has his birthday in summer.  However, we have had issues as well but think we have worked through them.  It doesn't mean his birthday will be easier at all but he will be able to put his feelings in compartments to handle it. 

Their birthdays are always going to have more baggage than we realize and I am realizing one may never be able to handle it.  Just another reminder of how much more my kids have to deal with on a happy occasion.  Also how much more the brain damage of FASD does to Brandon.  WOW I hope they enjoy celebrating their birthdays with us and have wonderful memories to go on but there is always so much more.... than we know. 

Going good going bad

WOW I have not been on this blog in over a year..  found this in the drafts

   As we approach a few more weeks of school I notice things are going good and things are going bad.  But with it being middle school and a freshman isn't that the way it should be?  Days are good and days that are not as you want them to be.

This is still so true even a year later.  Sigh.... it will not ever end I guess.  It is coming to reality that everyday you don't know what you are getting to get.  However, the Light is shining because there at some things you can.

One, he will always be listening to you even if you don't realize it.  What usually takes a kid a few months to sink in will take an FASD child 3-5 years.  Still it will come and go.

Two, he will be immature all the time.  He can't help it, but even 5 year olds can be respectable, responsible, and caring. 

Three, he will always be black and white and it ALWAYS comes when you are tying him to see things in a certain way, he will be very literal.  At the wrong time, he can't grasp hyperbole. 

Four, he does want to be like everyone else.  He is not like everyone else, intelligently age at close to normal but emotionally 5 years old.  Teaching him to understand it will be ongoing...

Five, he is always trying, it is just really difficult to see.  You need to see him STOP and really watch and listen to him and you will be amazed.  Hard to do when you deal with the daily life skills and the world reality around him and worry.  People put things in categories and an FASD child will never fit into one.

So you try your best, ignore ones around you that don't want to learn about your child.  They can't be in your child's life.  Teachers, neighbors, friends, and family will see him for who he is and will learn about him and support you.  If they don't want too, they need to be out of your world but teaching your child that can be a new adventure. 

Which brings me to the child.....  he is always loving and forgiving very forgiving.  He can move on from anything in a heartbeat and be ok with it.  Doesn't mean from time to time it will come out and he will be upset (again at an improper time) but he can move on.  Something as a parent I have a hard time moving on. 

J

LOL It is my all my fault

It is all my fault that my child missed the bus.  I woke him up this AM and put on the patch.  We started a new system where he has a card he needs to mark off that he has done his task to be ready for school.   We are trying to get him ready for like, as we call it - life skills.  So he needs to be responsible for taking his medicine, eating breakfast, getting ready (pack his backpack, pack his lunch, and bring anything he may need) to school.  So simple right?  It is a small index card to check off.

Well, I want to leave him on his own.  I can't, it is too hard.  I think I am better off to disappear and see what happens.  I think he can do it and yet when I am around he turns off his brain and says yeah yeah I got it.  I am like Do you?  do you really?  I am trying to get him to understand how he needs to show us and show us that he can do it and get more choices and freedom by showing us the responsibility.  He doesn't get it.  He thinks he can but yet he can't.

So today, since he has a Cross Country Meet and this is something added I would help him.  His job is to make sure he does what he needs to do to get ready and out the door.  I will only assist when he has something off the list.  So I packed his bag for the race and put it by his backpack.  He took forever to eat his breakfast and of course didn't finish.  Now yes he is a slow eater, however, he filled out an application for the marines to get some trinkets, he looked at the bag of frosted flakes and pointed out something, and he ran around with the cat playing.  So is he really a slow eater?

Did he fill out the form for the field trip?  Did he remember that??  Did he finish packing his lunch?  Did he change his clothes from the night before?  NO and no....   OK he packed his lunch with a soda and a sandwich.  We chatted and made a few adjustments.

Now the bus comes at 7:20 and at 7:05 he goes up to change.  This is the child that takes forever to do anything and is easily distracted.  How will he do it?  He did however, he still didn't have on his shoes and he didn't have all his things in one spot because of course he needed something from his backpack that he didn't (distracted over a pencil).

So as he goes running out the door, his lunch bag is open and things almost falls out and he finally zips it shut and grabs his running shoes.  As he runs out the door (I have been giving him the time so he is aware) I said Brandon did you forget something?  He screams I am going to make him late however, his cross country clothes and jacket are still on the chair because he moved everything else.  Oh and yes this is after I reminded him to grab his lunch.  So he gets them all wounded up in his hand and goes out the door.  He gets just past our lawn and notices that no one is at the bus stop.  Now he turns around and yells at me.  I say go down and wait because it is foggy and I think the bus might be a bit late.  I tell him to wait for 10 minutes.  I come back inside and within 5 minutes he is back saying he missed the bus and it is ALL MY FAULT because I made him get his clothes for the meet tonight.  Excuse me?

So he is running around screaming at everyone because he missed the bus and tells me he can't be late and that I have to drive him.  I said I would drive him when I am ready and not sooner.  He goes out and decides he will ride his bike.  I am impressed.  SO as I go to check to watch him take off  and  I notice a few things.  As he is screaming at me he has attached his lunch bag to the back of his backpack on a clip so he won't have to hold it.  (remember he had his backpack, his lunch bag, his shoes, clothes in a cinch sack and his jacket all in his hands before running out the door to get the bus)... well while screaming he had put on his jacket, put his lunch bag on his clip, pushed his cinch sack on this strap with his backpack so he is hands free to ride his bike.  He is backing up his bike and realizes he needs to tie his shoe.  So in less than 5 minutes he has pulled it all together to get on his bike to make it to school................  so He can do it and I see it is in there.   There is hope


As for his ride?  Luckily the neighbor across the street was backing out to bring her daughter and was leaving and I mention it to Brandon to ask for a ride.  He said "ok mom after I tie my shoe" and I am like "really you are going to let a ride go by"????  in my head so I pointed out that he would miss them and he ran down the driveway and asked and yes he got a ride and didn't have to ride his bike.

new school new year

Tried to upload a photo or two and it won't work right now.   Anyway we started school with the boys are in two different school and both have New schools to attend.  Last year they both were at a STEM academy that went to 8th grade.  Brandon moved on to High School and Josh wanted to go to 8th grade at the middle school that is his home school and not STEM.  He wanted some change.

So how did the first day go?  My 9th graded who gets very frustrated was a bit on the edge the night before.  However, he had cross country practice and he had gymnastics so I hope he would be so tired he would fall asleep.  Well, he was tired but angry and worried.  The last time he had rode a bus some kids would pick on him.  How do you tell a kid that was back in 4th grade and not 9th?  There is no concept for him.  So he ASK ME to drive him on his first day.  I was impressed he figured out a frustration and he had asked me to drive.  So I said I would.  Bedtime was better but still we have our struggles. 

So the next AM I told him the girl down the street (a 10th grader) mention she would make sure Brandon got on the bus ok.  He then decided that he wanted to take the bus and that it would be ok.  So we met her on the bus stop and she helped keep him calm.  She said only 9th and 10th graders ride the bus and that it isn't crowded and it would be ok.  He felt better and YES here is where the tears come flying in...... he didn't want me to hug or kiss him good bye OR ACKNOWLEDGE him as a Mom.  But I am ok with that.  He is 14.

The other child, well he didn't want to go.  He panicked and he was scared.  He worries way to much and he really does over think things so it is hard to help him.  Needless to say I took a screaming crying child to 8th grade via car and had the principle come out and help me.  Luckily the principle was outside greeting and she coaxed him inside and he had an AWESOME day.  OK not really awesome but it went a lot better than he had thought it would.  Again the ugly monster of thoughts of the worst were in his head and not the reality.  The second day got better.  I really hope that it is and he is not saying things to make us not worry.  I do worry about him.  He takes things in so hard and has a very hard time to process them to what they are.  But he feels better about things and he does seem to enjoy it.  I hope this continues throughout the school year. 

Also I hope he does not alienate kids that have been nice to him in the past, now and he keeps a happy disposition with everything.  Not get coax into thinking he has to be a cool kid.  A nice kid with lots of friends is what I hope for.  Trying to get him to be that so he doesn't lose friends he has.  He over thinks things way to much that he can get bitter over simple things.  He is learning not to do that but it might happen. 

Next week shall be interesting to see where we are at. 

struggling

It is so hard to watch your child struggle.  They have their own things that make them tick or upset and sometimes what really surprises me is that I don't have a clue.  I think I do but I don't and that is fine.

OK dealing with a child with FASD.  |This is a post I didn't want to post but one I feel I need to post to move on and to forgive and not forget but to remember that "hey things happen"  Yet at the same time I am saying things that are not true but make me think that really our society has become one where it doesn't matter if you do the right things or try to do the right things.... things can be determine on what others perceive and HEY your world can fall apart.

My biggest regret is not dealing with this sooner.  I worry about my son ALL THE TIME.  He is a sweet innocent boy who loves to play laugh and enjoy things.  he is also a boy who is heading into high school and is maturing physically and yet mentally still in a struggle but wants to be older but then he comes a 7 year old.  That is fine until you meet a person who says "no he is this age"

This is the dangerous type person to be around my son because you want to believe an adult until the adult must have some issues that are not resolved in their world that they throw at you.  Case I am making, I have my FASD child and he plays with younger children.... no big deal.  He plays with a child that is a lot younger and has a ball and the kid enjoys him.  Their energy is high and they can have fun.  Talk to the parents and remind them SEVERAL times that my child has no filters and you need to help.

so when my child is swearing and acting like a jerk send him home.  Don't ignore it.   Well this family did not listen because it is easier to let the kids play and eventually their child gets in trouble.  So their child comes up with things he hears and so he blames my child.  Guess what?  it doesn't matter who is right and who is wrong.  As a parent of a FASD child I believe what a parent is telling me and I get concern.   Turns out the parent is full of shit and really thinks these horrible things and lets her child believe them.   Not like an adult and talk to us but as we question the concern become bigger and then affects where I work and creates an awful environment..... what is their or her issues?

My child suffers.  He doesn't understand and the sad thing is I don't either.  I find out too late that there are things that must have happen with the OTHER family that has NOTHING to do with my child but they have FILTER it through mine.  THEN get the a neighbor involved that is the police and then it becomes a police matter.  Well at first I thought trusting the adult and something was up with mine child but then come to realize the Parent of this child must have SO MANY
 ISSUES that she put on her kid that he has to blame mine.  Why do kids lie?  Not to get into trouble and yet that lie gets police involved that should not be and then because I feel my child has the FASD and that the Adult in the relationship would be clear .... my child is ACCUSED of things that never happen and that guess what become a negative thing within the people we deal with. 

I AM UPSET with myself for thinking Adults in this world are being responsible adults and realizing they need to point a finger and walk away because of their own stupidity or whatever is happening in their lives to make sure other people suffer...... sad but my child is the one that suffers along with his brother.

The worst part is I thought Adults should know but I have learn Adults are idiots and have no maturity to understand.  But a lesson learn too late and I can only build my child up over what I know.  He is a great kid and he needs constand guidance and if you don't want to be on board with it than you have NO place in his life.