Sunday, October 30, 2011
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
needing attention in the worst way
OK so the boys are playing with a balloon and tossing it back and forth... not a big deal right? One has to throw himself on the floor over and over again... why? It makes a sound like a truck is coming through the living room. So I asked them to stop. They continue to play but one is no longer throwing himself on the floor.
It gets to the point no matter what one is doing it isn't right and the yelling and demanding starts... it gets to a point one runs into the bathroom and the other bangs his fist on the door. What do you do?
I have to pack for our trip, clean up the kitchen, wash some clothess.... I don't have time!! So I did what I have been doing for a month. I picked up one child and carried him to the stool in the middle of the kitchen. and set him down nicely... and take the other child by the hand and put him on our step stool in the doorway.. close where I can see them but where they can't see each other. Set the timer for 10 minutes (they are ten). I then start to clean the kitchen and I left for a moment to run upstairs to get some laundry.... heard yelling... set the timer back 2 more minutes. I then continued to clean the kitchen, straighten and some laundry while they were near by. No words just busy myself around them.
The timer goes off..... Me "why are you sitting"
Children "we are banging on the door and getting carried away"
Me "I am sorry your brother upsets you but you have to learn how to deal with him or anyone when they act this way getting aggressive is not a good choice" (this is because this child has biten his brother and has left a huge bruise on his shoulder)
child "I am trying to control my anger but it gets hard sometimes.. (but this is why he needs to practice frustration and learn how to deal with it appropriately)
the conversation goes on on how to do things without getting carried away and why they need reeled in sometimes because their choices become distorted and they make bad or incorrect choices. Why we are learning how to control ourselves etc etc...
So I ask them, do you want to sit all day because we can't make good choices? Or would you like to make good choices and help Mom get ready for our trip to the dells..... What would you like to do?
Help mom... one goes off to clean room, one is finally eating because he is hungry although he decides he is not hungry once food is put in front of him. So I tell him he must eat if he wants to make good choices and leaving food and not eating after stating he is hungry is not a good choice. So he eats his breakfast and goes to clean his room.
Now could all of this been avoided? Yes and no... I guess if I got them up and we discussed what needed to be done we might have started working together... however, I was not ready and I want my kids to be kids so I left them to play for a bit while I got organized and then would need their help. I think at some point maybe over something different they would test the limits no matter what is happening. This is what children do.... are you really there for us. well yes I am.
I think now after a few moments of silence and re grouping we are all ready.
One just finished his room and said he was going to clean the toilets.....
It gets to the point no matter what one is doing it isn't right and the yelling and demanding starts... it gets to a point one runs into the bathroom and the other bangs his fist on the door. What do you do?
I have to pack for our trip, clean up the kitchen, wash some clothess.... I don't have time!! So I did what I have been doing for a month. I picked up one child and carried him to the stool in the middle of the kitchen. and set him down nicely... and take the other child by the hand and put him on our step stool in the doorway.. close where I can see them but where they can't see each other. Set the timer for 10 minutes (they are ten). I then start to clean the kitchen and I left for a moment to run upstairs to get some laundry.... heard yelling... set the timer back 2 more minutes. I then continued to clean the kitchen, straighten and some laundry while they were near by. No words just busy myself around them.
The timer goes off..... Me "why are you sitting"
Children "we are banging on the door and getting carried away"
Me "I am sorry your brother upsets you but you have to learn how to deal with him or anyone when they act this way getting aggressive is not a good choice" (this is because this child has biten his brother and has left a huge bruise on his shoulder)
child "I am trying to control my anger but it gets hard sometimes.. (but this is why he needs to practice frustration and learn how to deal with it appropriately)
the conversation goes on on how to do things without getting carried away and why they need reeled in sometimes because their choices become distorted and they make bad or incorrect choices. Why we are learning how to control ourselves etc etc...
So I ask them, do you want to sit all day because we can't make good choices? Or would you like to make good choices and help Mom get ready for our trip to the dells..... What would you like to do?
Help mom... one goes off to clean room, one is finally eating because he is hungry although he decides he is not hungry once food is put in front of him. So I tell him he must eat if he wants to make good choices and leaving food and not eating after stating he is hungry is not a good choice. So he eats his breakfast and goes to clean his room.
Now could all of this been avoided? Yes and no... I guess if I got them up and we discussed what needed to be done we might have started working together... however, I was not ready and I want my kids to be kids so I left them to play for a bit while I got organized and then would need their help. I think at some point maybe over something different they would test the limits no matter what is happening. This is what children do.... are you really there for us. well yes I am.
I think now after a few moments of silence and re grouping we are all ready.
One just finished his room and said he was going to clean the toilets.....
Friday, October 7, 2011
Josh Josh and learning of life
I never really talk about Josh. Who is he? Just a little boy in my home with the biggest heart in the world. He worries too much about life and it makes me sad. He wants to fix things especially things that confuse him. He is very causious about things... doesn't like change and likes things to be constant. He is struggling right now with wanting to know many things about his birth family and just being in our family. He loves his family and he has spoken many times he does not care about the family that birth him. And yet he does. Luckily not all the time does he worry about this but now and again it creeps into his mind and he gets sad and confused. I tell him over and over again that it is ok to love them and it is ok to be mad at them. He can get mad at me, right? I am still here but his birth family is not.... however, they are.
I have an address of his birth grandparents that I write to yearly. Just an update and some information and now and again I get a reply. They know Josh is living in America but not exactly where. When I had an inspector find the birth families I offered to send updates if they wished. The grandparents would love it and I could send more than once a year if I wanted. It also turned out that his birth mom and birth sister live in the home as well. Josh knows he has a birth sister that is older but does not know I have written to them. When he is angry and upset with why his birth mom gave him up and not his sister.... I tell him to write about it. He has a good cry and I hold him and then he is done with the birth family talk. This makes me sad for I know I write to the family and I would love it if he would too only if he wanted too. Then I wonder if it would be too hard on him with his big heart. He is still young and very confused. I feel bad for the birth family because they know about Josh but Josh does not really know much about them. I only give Josh the information he wants to know when he wants it. I would love to tell him I have photos of the house his grandparents live (compliments of the inspector) and some of his sister and birth mom but he has little interest, so I can't force. I just hope he won't be super mad when he learns all this... but I basically started to find out more when the kids got older and started asking questions and I stumble upon an inspector in Ukraine who searched.
I knew there would be questions and as a parent I wanted to learn more. I got some great news for Josh but nothing for Brandon. Josh birth mom made the decision before he was born to give him up for she knew she could not take care of him with no money and no home. Plus she did have a child so a decision she made was to place him in an orphanage right away. I believe she was at peace with this decision and knew he would find a good home, plus I had learn she did not drink or do drugs during her pregnacy.
However, what we found out about Brandon is just the opposite. The inspector could not find his birth family just the apartment complex they lived in when he was born. It was a place as we in America would say is a "crack" house, filled with drunks and people that floated through life. We have really inspected his birth paperwork and documents and have come to realize that his parents rights to keep him where taken away and he was forced into an orphanage. His birth mom gave up the rights when he was 4-5 months old because she "couldn't take care" but we believe the government step in and took the child away. We also know that she did drink and do drugs while pregnant. What we don't know is really where was Brandon for those few months??? at a hospital because he was left behind? Or living in the crack house being neglected. We don't know but I know he was neglected either way. That is why he is the way he is ... a scared little boy who need constant reassurances.
The sad part of this is when I listen to my boys talk. Josh will tell Brandon that he is lucky because his birth parents didn't give him up right away because they wanted to spend time with him (what kind of life if they did bring him home which we don't know but you can't explain that to a child about the horrors he might of endured to a child just yet) ... Josh thinks that Brandon was lucky because he got time with his family and Josh feels his mom didn't even look at him or kiss him good bye, she just left him. I tell him that I believe she did and that it was a hard decision. Over time he will learn that this is quite common in the Ukraine..but for now just constant reassurances are needed for him too. Only time and understanding of the world as they get older will help them understand. For now, lots of hugs from Mom (a job I don't mind doing) :)
I have an address of his birth grandparents that I write to yearly. Just an update and some information and now and again I get a reply. They know Josh is living in America but not exactly where. When I had an inspector find the birth families I offered to send updates if they wished. The grandparents would love it and I could send more than once a year if I wanted. It also turned out that his birth mom and birth sister live in the home as well. Josh knows he has a birth sister that is older but does not know I have written to them. When he is angry and upset with why his birth mom gave him up and not his sister.... I tell him to write about it. He has a good cry and I hold him and then he is done with the birth family talk. This makes me sad for I know I write to the family and I would love it if he would too only if he wanted too. Then I wonder if it would be too hard on him with his big heart. He is still young and very confused. I feel bad for the birth family because they know about Josh but Josh does not really know much about them. I only give Josh the information he wants to know when he wants it. I would love to tell him I have photos of the house his grandparents live (compliments of the inspector) and some of his sister and birth mom but he has little interest, so I can't force. I just hope he won't be super mad when he learns all this... but I basically started to find out more when the kids got older and started asking questions and I stumble upon an inspector in Ukraine who searched.
I knew there would be questions and as a parent I wanted to learn more. I got some great news for Josh but nothing for Brandon. Josh birth mom made the decision before he was born to give him up for she knew she could not take care of him with no money and no home. Plus she did have a child so a decision she made was to place him in an orphanage right away. I believe she was at peace with this decision and knew he would find a good home, plus I had learn she did not drink or do drugs during her pregnacy.
However, what we found out about Brandon is just the opposite. The inspector could not find his birth family just the apartment complex they lived in when he was born. It was a place as we in America would say is a "crack" house, filled with drunks and people that floated through life. We have really inspected his birth paperwork and documents and have come to realize that his parents rights to keep him where taken away and he was forced into an orphanage. His birth mom gave up the rights when he was 4-5 months old because she "couldn't take care" but we believe the government step in and took the child away. We also know that she did drink and do drugs while pregnant. What we don't know is really where was Brandon for those few months??? at a hospital because he was left behind? Or living in the crack house being neglected. We don't know but I know he was neglected either way. That is why he is the way he is ... a scared little boy who need constant reassurances.
The sad part of this is when I listen to my boys talk. Josh will tell Brandon that he is lucky because his birth parents didn't give him up right away because they wanted to spend time with him (what kind of life if they did bring him home which we don't know but you can't explain that to a child about the horrors he might of endured to a child just yet) ... Josh thinks that Brandon was lucky because he got time with his family and Josh feels his mom didn't even look at him or kiss him good bye, she just left him. I tell him that I believe she did and that it was a hard decision. Over time he will learn that this is quite common in the Ukraine..but for now just constant reassurances are needed for him too. Only time and understanding of the world as they get older will help them understand. For now, lots of hugs from Mom (a job I don't mind doing) :)
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
disrespect better but not gone
Since we have had our little one just sit with me the last few days.....or month, things are better but we still have a ways to go. If it is not swearing or being loud and yelling then it is something else completely... making noises like banging silverware at the table, making animal noises while others are trying to have a conversation. The list could go on... it can be very frustrating at times. but if we just calmly say we don't need to make the noises and remind him he is a 10 year old and not a two year old we get some compliance. Just a simply reminder his is a 10 year old and we are here for him we know that he is in the room etc... and that we want to have a conversation with another person (his brother, my spouse) but he will have his turn and that it is ok for him to let others converse.
Such simple things to get through a day for some reason he feels he has to alter it. Normal conversations frighten him, makes him uncomfortable which is really sad.. When talked too he can have a very normal conversation and be in the moment and even express his dissatisfaction in a correct tone or manner instead of screaming and yelling and throwing a two year tantrum. All it takes is practice practice and practice...
Times it is tiring and at times.. makes for a better day.
Such simple things to get through a day for some reason he feels he has to alter it. Normal conversations frighten him, makes him uncomfortable which is really sad.. When talked too he can have a very normal conversation and be in the moment and even express his dissatisfaction in a correct tone or manner instead of screaming and yelling and throwing a two year tantrum. All it takes is practice practice and practice...
Times it is tiring and at times.. makes for a better day.
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