heavy heart - I will always love him

This is scary and sad but reality.  It is with a heavy heart you realize at some point how confused lost your child really is.  As a parent you can't parent them like you think you should.  You love them and you want what is best for them all the time but they don't get that.  They start to see you as using prompts and reminders to get through the day as negative stuff and bad.  You no longer have a voice in their mind.  They will be polite to others and they will show respect and understanding but when they come home they collapse and become a person you can't reach or talk to anymore.  so you have to turn your heart to stone to get through the day and no longer show any feelings because at this point they don't have it themselves.

Then you wonder will it ever help?  Do you really reach a child that has FASD and their emotional ability is so low and not maturing?  Can they ever understand what can happen when they take their daily frustrations out on you?  As a human you can only have your heart stomped on so many times before you become numb to something.  But as this child is constantly stomping on my heart and making me so sad and frustrated I still want to help him.  I still want what is best for him.  so what do I have to do?  I think I have to turn OFF my heart and turn ON my head and move in a zone.  I don't want to parent this way at all.  The emotional highs and lows can no longer happen with this child.  However, to effectively parent a child with FASD this is what you have to do.

You have to remove your emotions and function through the day with no emotion.  It doesn't feel like being a parent it feels like a drill sergeant or someone who does not care about this individual but this is how to parent him right now.  He is confused and he is learning he is different.  He is trying to cope and part of that coping is taking it out on you.  However, you will always have little fires to put out with this child as you go in circles that you can't keep it up anymore.  So you have to stop and live in his world.  There can be no emotion just the black and white.

Do you still love him?  Yes you do but now it is not with your heart it is with your mind.  This is the way you have to be.  Tough decisions are lurking and you need to be strong to make the right choices for the child.  Hopefully and I pray there is so much love that it will be understood by him before it is too late.  I will always love him no matter what.  If this does not make sense to anyone then they have not dealt and lived with a child with FASD. 

Interest what a birthday does

When I was a kid I looked forward to my birthday.  Getting presents and eating cake.  I was a princess in the family for the day.  A happy time and I didn't really reflect what my parents were feeling/thinking about.  I am sure they were remembering things I could not of cared about since I was too young to know, but what if you are adopted?    It is not the same.

I was reviewing my child's grade today and notice a pattern and a realization on how their birthdays really reflect some kids.  The week of Brandon's birthday his grades dropped.  He is FASD which means he is emotionally younger than his age so he get very excited.  Looking at the grades I have to ask is it his "emotional" side causing this lack of focus or is there more?
Tried to put in a picture but blurry. 
grades went from B's and A's to  D's and C's for that week in classes with weekly assignments.

Is he thinking about the day he was born and who gave him life and where are there and why?  Or is he just emotionally that immature that he can't focus?  I guess I will have to  watch this next year as well.    Luckily our other child has his birthday in summer.  However, we have had issues as well but think we have worked through them.  It doesn't mean his birthday will be easier at all but he will be able to put his feelings in compartments to handle it. 

Their birthdays are always going to have more baggage than we realize and I am realizing one may never be able to handle it.  Just another reminder of how much more my kids have to deal with on a happy occasion.  Also how much more the brain damage of FASD does to Brandon.  WOW I hope they enjoy celebrating their birthdays with us and have wonderful memories to go on but there is always so much more.... than we know. 

Going good going bad

WOW I have not been on this blog in over a year..  found this in the drafts

   As we approach a few more weeks of school I notice things are going good and things are going bad.  But with it being middle school and a freshman isn't that the way it should be?  Days are good and days that are not as you want them to be.

This is still so true even a year later.  Sigh.... it will not ever end I guess.  It is coming to reality that everyday you don't know what you are getting to get.  However, the Light is shining because there at some things you can.

One, he will always be listening to you even if you don't realize it.  What usually takes a kid a few months to sink in will take an FASD child 3-5 years.  Still it will come and go.

Two, he will be immature all the time.  He can't help it, but even 5 year olds can be respectable, responsible, and caring. 

Three, he will always be black and white and it ALWAYS comes when you are tying him to see things in a certain way, he will be very literal.  At the wrong time, he can't grasp hyperbole. 

Four, he does want to be like everyone else.  He is not like everyone else, intelligently age at close to normal but emotionally 5 years old.  Teaching him to understand it will be ongoing...

Five, he is always trying, it is just really difficult to see.  You need to see him STOP and really watch and listen to him and you will be amazed.  Hard to do when you deal with the daily life skills and the world reality around him and worry.  People put things in categories and an FASD child will never fit into one.

So you try your best, ignore ones around you that don't want to learn about your child.  They can't be in your child's life.  Teachers, neighbors, friends, and family will see him for who he is and will learn about him and support you.  If they don't want too, they need to be out of your world but teaching your child that can be a new adventure. 

Which brings me to the child.....  he is always loving and forgiving very forgiving.  He can move on from anything in a heartbeat and be ok with it.  Doesn't mean from time to time it will come out and he will be upset (again at an improper time) but he can move on.  Something as a parent I have a hard time moving on. 

J