just thought I would update with photos and add some posts later.... been working and busy...
but know I need to update.
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Thursday, November 8, 2012
My boy is very literal
I know kids can get caught up in things but my guy can so literal it will get exhausing.
Last night we had to finish his book report... notice I said "we" I have gone to the place where I have to help him. He was not getting the concept. That is why on his first book report he got an f.
He can't switch what he is doing to the new task because the new task is the same task he did the day before however, we need to change things around on his notecards becasue he had already written on his note cards a passage from the book however, he is not allowed to do the passage until after his presentation. So on his index cards is the passage that you were not suppose to put there... so you can't go from pulling out the book passage to the next card and say ..... I like that passage.... because you are not reading the passage... huh?? oh
Then to re do the index cards he wants to start on #4 and work backwards... why?? just wanted to keep the same number... but you may not have the same number so start with 1. While I am working with Brandon on completing this, Josh is needing some help but I have to put him aside so I can get Brandon done so he can make wrestling. This does not sit well with Josh but he waited until the last minute to study and do a project so I figure he could wait and think about this.
After two hours of redoing his index cards on a book he read and had to write about for a presentation we had to go to wrestling. In the car I mention that I have to remove Brandon from the house so I can work with Josh on his homework.... why can't I help him and have you try to stay focus a bit to complete a task...?"
Brandon "well mom you are not removing me from the house you are are just taking me to wrestling."
Yes I am but what he does not get is that while he is in wrestling I can help Josh without interuption. School work is hard and I don't mind helping but whenever I try to help Josh or anser a question Brandon jumps in for attention. It is really sad to see, and I really wish I could get to the bottom of what is upseting him or making him so needed or fidgeting or anxious. I wish I had a magic ball.
Last night we had to finish his book report... notice I said "we" I have gone to the place where I have to help him. He was not getting the concept. That is why on his first book report he got an f.
He can't switch what he is doing to the new task because the new task is the same task he did the day before however, we need to change things around on his notecards becasue he had already written on his note cards a passage from the book however, he is not allowed to do the passage until after his presentation. So on his index cards is the passage that you were not suppose to put there... so you can't go from pulling out the book passage to the next card and say ..... I like that passage.... because you are not reading the passage... huh?? oh
Then to re do the index cards he wants to start on #4 and work backwards... why?? just wanted to keep the same number... but you may not have the same number so start with 1. While I am working with Brandon on completing this, Josh is needing some help but I have to put him aside so I can get Brandon done so he can make wrestling. This does not sit well with Josh but he waited until the last minute to study and do a project so I figure he could wait and think about this.
After two hours of redoing his index cards on a book he read and had to write about for a presentation we had to go to wrestling. In the car I mention that I have to remove Brandon from the house so I can work with Josh on his homework.... why can't I help him and have you try to stay focus a bit to complete a task...?"
Brandon "well mom you are not removing me from the house you are are just taking me to wrestling."
Yes I am but what he does not get is that while he is in wrestling I can help Josh without interuption. School work is hard and I don't mind helping but whenever I try to help Josh or anser a question Brandon jumps in for attention. It is really sad to see, and I really wish I could get to the bottom of what is upseting him or making him so needed or fidgeting or anxious. I wish I had a magic ball.
Friday, October 26, 2012
jeff noble website
My client/kid/student with Fetal Alcohol is a master manipulator. They are sneaky. They are always trying to get what they want.
Do you say that or does someone who works with your loved one say it? If so, I’m going to tell you why people with Fetal Alcohol aren’t Manipulating at all.
First, let’s take a look at what the definition of manipulator is in this context.
Definition: To influence or manage shrewdly or deviously. I had a chance to chat with Diane Malbin about this and her definition of manipulation is: Getting what one wants without considering the other person and/or through devious means”.
Now, if that’s what a manipulator is and does let’s take a look at the cognitive steps (what the brain has to do) in order to be a true manipulator. The brain has to analyze, integrate, plan, form concepts, figure out alternative outcomes including how to handle multiple objections from others. It takes an extremely high amount of executive functioning to be a “Master” manipulator, and from what we know about people with Fetal Alcohol is their executive functioning is extremely impaired. If you need a memory jog on executive functioning check a previous blog post, The Difference Between IQ and Executive Functioning.
If someone with Fetal Alcohol was a good manipulator they would get away with it. Your loved one would be living on an island somewhere enjoying their fruits of manipulation. So, if it’s not manipulation then, what is it? And why do we get so upset when it appears they are doing this? I’m glad you asked.
The reason why your loved one can appear to be manipulating is because of needs they have that are unmet… and when the opportunity to meet one of these needs is presented to them they have a very strong reaction to it. While speaking with Diane Malbin about this topic she said something profound, ‘the degree to which you see that perseverance is usually in direct proportion to the degree which they feel incompetent’. Let me explain.
Just like you and me, people with Fetal Alcohol have needs, but because of their deficits, they are unable to meet some of those needs on their own. For example, my foster guy had a need to build relationships. He wanted friends and social opportunities just like everyone else. Well, one place to start would be to look at school for friends. Unfortunately, he couldn’t make any friends at school because of his academic impairments. He was never able to build any relationships at all. What happened most often was that he was alienated by his peers. So, when a perceived opportunity is presented to him to interact with his peer group, he is going to jump at the chance.
Here is another example:
One time my foster guy plows in the front door, eyes wide with excitement asking me to go for a ride with some people he just met not an hour ago at the store. He tells me he knows who they are and that they have been buddies for a long time and the other teens’ parents said it was OK to drive in their car as long as they put gas in it. So, not only did he want to go, but he also wanted 40 dollars. He said that would cover his share of the gas…Well, I know instantly that this is false. I have no doubt that he met some guys at the store, but I am sure when he said gas what he really meant was weed. My natural reaction would be to get upset because I am insulted that he would try and pull the wool over my eyes and mock my intelligence. I mean, does it say SUCKER on my forehead?
What happens is that we get stuck on interpreting the superficial behavior and not the brain. We are unaware of what is really going on of because the behavior clashes with our VALUES and we get distracted. You see, values are beliefs and philosophies that we hold about life. While we were growing up we accepted a lot of the values of those around us until we got older and were able to define our personal values on our own. I remember my parents would often say to me “does it say sucker on my forehead” when I would make an attempt at manipulating them into something that was probably unsafe or silly. I was also taught that if someone was trying to manipulate me it was to mock my intelligence and as if the person is trying to take advantage of me and that it was wrong and bad! Whether the behavior is primary or secondary, we have extreme reactions because our values are so deep rooted that when someone clashes with them, we instantly get upset and want to blow our lid…but it’s in that moment we can’t think or ask the questions we need to in order to prevent the inevitable meltdown or come up with a better solution. In fact, when we get upset because of this massive clash, we dig in our heels and let the power struggle begin and we all know how that ends up.
So, the challenge becomes not only having the ability to take a breath in that moment when “The Clash” happens, but to also figure out another way to meet their needs in a safer and more rewarding way. So, what to do next time this happens?
Whenever I found myself in that situation I would go through this process.
Delay and Redirect. Sometimes if I could delay before giving an answer just long enough, I could think of an intervention strategy to try or hopefully slow down the impulse control. Also, knowing when to pick your battle and acknowledging that it could be so important to him and that he will be stuck on it and there will be no delaying or redirecting. We have to ask ourselves, ‘what are the real risks involved?’
If it’s something they want to do and you know the situation is not going to turn out well,
I would bribe with something better if the situation called for it, ie. wanting to go drive around
with friends he met only hours earlier… I knew my guy wanted a video game really badly and was going to get it for him anyway. So, as he waited for my answer I pretended to get a call from our local video game store and got really excited like I had just got word that my pre-order was in, but I had to hurry before the store closed. By the time we grabbed the game and a bag of chips (had to be ketchup) and headed to a friends house to play, my guy had forgotten all about those other kids. I was lucky to be able to come up with a solution that fast and that worked and I was able to do that by taking a breath and figuring out a solution… not by getting upset and analyzing his behavior.
Moving forward my goal was to figure out what needs he had that weren’t being met and figure out a way to meet them in an environment that was conducive to his growth and education. The more I did that, the less time I spent getting upset.
Do you say that or does someone who works with your loved one say it? If so, I’m going to tell you why people with Fetal Alcohol aren’t Manipulating at all.
First, let’s take a look at what the definition of manipulator is in this context.
Definition: To influence or manage shrewdly or deviously. I had a chance to chat with Diane Malbin about this and her definition of manipulation is: Getting what one wants without considering the other person and/or through devious means”.
Now, if that’s what a manipulator is and does let’s take a look at the cognitive steps (what the brain has to do) in order to be a true manipulator. The brain has to analyze, integrate, plan, form concepts, figure out alternative outcomes including how to handle multiple objections from others. It takes an extremely high amount of executive functioning to be a “Master” manipulator, and from what we know about people with Fetal Alcohol is their executive functioning is extremely impaired. If you need a memory jog on executive functioning check a previous blog post, The Difference Between IQ and Executive Functioning.
If someone with Fetal Alcohol was a good manipulator they would get away with it. Your loved one would be living on an island somewhere enjoying their fruits of manipulation. So, if it’s not manipulation then, what is it? And why do we get so upset when it appears they are doing this? I’m glad you asked.
The reason why your loved one can appear to be manipulating is because of needs they have that are unmet… and when the opportunity to meet one of these needs is presented to them they have a very strong reaction to it. While speaking with Diane Malbin about this topic she said something profound, ‘the degree to which you see that perseverance is usually in direct proportion to the degree which they feel incompetent’. Let me explain.
Just like you and me, people with Fetal Alcohol have needs, but because of their deficits, they are unable to meet some of those needs on their own. For example, my foster guy had a need to build relationships. He wanted friends and social opportunities just like everyone else. Well, one place to start would be to look at school for friends. Unfortunately, he couldn’t make any friends at school because of his academic impairments. He was never able to build any relationships at all. What happened most often was that he was alienated by his peers. So, when a perceived opportunity is presented to him to interact with his peer group, he is going to jump at the chance.
Here is another example:
One time my foster guy plows in the front door, eyes wide with excitement asking me to go for a ride with some people he just met not an hour ago at the store. He tells me he knows who they are and that they have been buddies for a long time and the other teens’ parents said it was OK to drive in their car as long as they put gas in it. So, not only did he want to go, but he also wanted 40 dollars. He said that would cover his share of the gas…Well, I know instantly that this is false. I have no doubt that he met some guys at the store, but I am sure when he said gas what he really meant was weed. My natural reaction would be to get upset because I am insulted that he would try and pull the wool over my eyes and mock my intelligence. I mean, does it say SUCKER on my forehead?
What happens is that we get stuck on interpreting the superficial behavior and not the brain. We are unaware of what is really going on of because the behavior clashes with our VALUES and we get distracted. You see, values are beliefs and philosophies that we hold about life. While we were growing up we accepted a lot of the values of those around us until we got older and were able to define our personal values on our own. I remember my parents would often say to me “does it say sucker on my forehead” when I would make an attempt at manipulating them into something that was probably unsafe or silly. I was also taught that if someone was trying to manipulate me it was to mock my intelligence and as if the person is trying to take advantage of me and that it was wrong and bad! Whether the behavior is primary or secondary, we have extreme reactions because our values are so deep rooted that when someone clashes with them, we instantly get upset and want to blow our lid…but it’s in that moment we can’t think or ask the questions we need to in order to prevent the inevitable meltdown or come up with a better solution. In fact, when we get upset because of this massive clash, we dig in our heels and let the power struggle begin and we all know how that ends up.
So, the challenge becomes not only having the ability to take a breath in that moment when “The Clash” happens, but to also figure out another way to meet their needs in a safer and more rewarding way. So, what to do next time this happens?
Whenever I found myself in that situation I would go through this process.
Delay and Redirect. Sometimes if I could delay before giving an answer just long enough, I could think of an intervention strategy to try or hopefully slow down the impulse control. Also, knowing when to pick your battle and acknowledging that it could be so important to him and that he will be stuck on it and there will be no delaying or redirecting. We have to ask ourselves, ‘what are the real risks involved?’
If it’s something they want to do and you know the situation is not going to turn out well,
I would bribe with something better if the situation called for it, ie. wanting to go drive around
with friends he met only hours earlier… I knew my guy wanted a video game really badly and was going to get it for him anyway. So, as he waited for my answer I pretended to get a call from our local video game store and got really excited like I had just got word that my pre-order was in, but I had to hurry before the store closed. By the time we grabbed the game and a bag of chips (had to be ketchup) and headed to a friends house to play, my guy had forgotten all about those other kids. I was lucky to be able to come up with a solution that fast and that worked and I was able to do that by taking a breath and figuring out a solution… not by getting upset and analyzing his behavior.
Moving forward my goal was to figure out what needs he had that weren’t being met and figure out a way to meet them in an environment that was conducive to his growth and education. The more I did that, the less time I spent getting upset.
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Interesting... article
Last night was interesting with Brandon I had an a ha moment.
I had an issue with Brandon. First of all we were clipping along really well and he was into doing his math "yes I said math", he did have a calculator but he was doing good. He was doing good until I handed a paper that he had to do.... he went into a tirade.. He started yelling about kids at school and how they talk to him, what his brother had said, and he went off on many different directions....
I made him sit and not say a word. I needed him to think and for me too . We did. It turns out he didn't understand his homework assignment, he was confused and it made him feel dumb/studpid. He is neither dumb or stupid.
As I really listen to him it became more apparent he was worried about going to the wrestling try outs to see if he would like it. He was nervous and this makes sense. But looking at this homework assignment that he could not do made him feel inadequate.. so then it floated to being nervous about going to the wrestling try out and it came to a head but without mentioning any of this.
The real test is finding "what is behind" the child's thought process.
I was given this article by one of the FAS group mothers.... hope it reposts here.
It talks about how a child with FAS doesn't really manipulate but rather how their brains are trained into wanting something and trying to get it.... sad really. They know they are missing something and they try to fill this void in other ways (or in my child's case... his fear or uncomfortable at going to the wrestling try outs) I think it is the hard reality they have to deal with but don't know exactly what it is. This article talks about making friends...
I had an issue with Brandon. First of all we were clipping along really well and he was into doing his math "yes I said math", he did have a calculator but he was doing good. He was doing good until I handed a paper that he had to do.... he went into a tirade.. He started yelling about kids at school and how they talk to him, what his brother had said, and he went off on many different directions....
I made him sit and not say a word. I needed him to think and for me too . We did. It turns out he didn't understand his homework assignment, he was confused and it made him feel dumb/studpid. He is neither dumb or stupid.
As I really listen to him it became more apparent he was worried about going to the wrestling try outs to see if he would like it. He was nervous and this makes sense. But looking at this homework assignment that he could not do made him feel inadequate.. so then it floated to being nervous about going to the wrestling try out and it came to a head but without mentioning any of this.
The real test is finding "what is behind" the child's thought process.
I was given this article by one of the FAS group mothers.... hope it reposts here.
It talks about how a child with FAS doesn't really manipulate but rather how their brains are trained into wanting something and trying to get it.... sad really. They know they are missing something and they try to fill this void in other ways (or in my child's case... his fear or uncomfortable at going to the wrestling try outs) I think it is the hard reality they have to deal with but don't know exactly what it is. This article talks about making friends...
An article worth reading
Monday, October 15, 2012
Oops he did it again
OK
Brandon did it again. This time he pocketed a small flashlight from a political office that he was at with his dad. DOn and Brandon went out this past weekend to walk and support a canidate and while doing this they went back to the headquarters.
I found the flashlight under his pillow and asked him about it... he didn't remember. However, Don saw it and he remember it and talked to Brandon again. The sad thing is that lately his hands haven't been holding and taking things and now they are again. however, this time it was at a place "outside" the home. Even if he found it on the floor, putting it in his pocket. Yikes
I used to get worried and talked to Don about him finding pens and pencils on the school floor, he thought that was normal and no big deal. I knew it was a big deal, just didn't know how to articulate it to him (Don). I read more things about this and how much trouble kids got into this with FAS and issues and how it can escatlate. Now it has. Even Don is feeling this.
I worry about Brandon's future.. then I know in my heart he will have a great future. He is smart but something is troubling him. I tought spending some time with Dad would be beneficial to him, but I guess not.
When I asked Brandon why he didn't tell me where he got the flashlight, he really said "I honestly forgot mom." I believe him. I think his brain really did shut down and he could not remember because he knew he errored. I talked briefly about school again this morning and he said he was nervous.
Why? He didn't know but something about school is bothering him. Then we talked about his lunch group (a girl had been taking his food) and he said that the VP knew and things were better. He hates math and does not like the way the 6th graders act in that class. I looked at his schedule and I realized it was right before lunch. Or as he said "not before lunch mom, it is recess than lunch"
That is another issue that can get funny and hard. He had a book he was reading and the other night I asked him to read it together. He said he was done. How can you be done? He said he had finished it because his bookmark was right here. He then proceeded to find the page (page per page mind you) where his bookmark was.... HUH?? Apparently he finished because he had the bookmark further in the book, and when I asked him if he had noticed that he was missing part of the story? He said yes but the bookmark was placed here... then he proceeded to take 15 minutes showing and repeating to me where the bookmark was. I tried to get through to him that it didn't matter where the book mark was he needs to go back and find where he was and could remember and start reading from there. He was so obsessed with showing me where the bookmark was he could not wrap his brain around where it should be. Why it was even moved I don't know. I finally said "yes I know the bookmark was on this page but not on the right page so you will need to go back and re read from chapter 4 (where I knew he was) and read it again." I acknowledge what he was saying and was able to just "Tell him" what he needed to do because he could not in the mometn understand. He was not happy but willing to do so. ... the thought process is different. I know this but in these moments a parent has to wonder.
Brandon did it again. This time he pocketed a small flashlight from a political office that he was at with his dad. DOn and Brandon went out this past weekend to walk and support a canidate and while doing this they went back to the headquarters.
I found the flashlight under his pillow and asked him about it... he didn't remember. However, Don saw it and he remember it and talked to Brandon again. The sad thing is that lately his hands haven't been holding and taking things and now they are again. however, this time it was at a place "outside" the home. Even if he found it on the floor, putting it in his pocket. Yikes
I used to get worried and talked to Don about him finding pens and pencils on the school floor, he thought that was normal and no big deal. I knew it was a big deal, just didn't know how to articulate it to him (Don). I read more things about this and how much trouble kids got into this with FAS and issues and how it can escatlate. Now it has. Even Don is feeling this.
I worry about Brandon's future.. then I know in my heart he will have a great future. He is smart but something is troubling him. I tought spending some time with Dad would be beneficial to him, but I guess not.
When I asked Brandon why he didn't tell me where he got the flashlight, he really said "I honestly forgot mom." I believe him. I think his brain really did shut down and he could not remember because he knew he errored. I talked briefly about school again this morning and he said he was nervous.
Why? He didn't know but something about school is bothering him. Then we talked about his lunch group (a girl had been taking his food) and he said that the VP knew and things were better. He hates math and does not like the way the 6th graders act in that class. I looked at his schedule and I realized it was right before lunch. Or as he said "not before lunch mom, it is recess than lunch"
That is another issue that can get funny and hard. He had a book he was reading and the other night I asked him to read it together. He said he was done. How can you be done? He said he had finished it because his bookmark was right here. He then proceeded to find the page (page per page mind you) where his bookmark was.... HUH?? Apparently he finished because he had the bookmark further in the book, and when I asked him if he had noticed that he was missing part of the story? He said yes but the bookmark was placed here... then he proceeded to take 15 minutes showing and repeating to me where the bookmark was. I tried to get through to him that it didn't matter where the book mark was he needs to go back and find where he was and could remember and start reading from there. He was so obsessed with showing me where the bookmark was he could not wrap his brain around where it should be. Why it was even moved I don't know. I finally said "yes I know the bookmark was on this page but not on the right page so you will need to go back and re read from chapter 4 (where I knew he was) and read it again." I acknowledge what he was saying and was able to just "Tell him" what he needed to do because he could not in the mometn understand. He was not happy but willing to do so. ... the thought process is different. I know this but in these moments a parent has to wonder.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
getting in the groove
As the previous post stated. Brandon had been suspended from school for taking a pocket knife. I still wonder why his fingers are so graby but they are. So we have been working with him and trying to talk and find out why he is taking trinkets. As I thought, he does not really know.
These are not conversations you have with your kids over dinner, these are conversations you have briefly and just here and there. You have to learn when to talk to your child.
Brandon does not remember well, and yet when he does he won't talk about it. It is too hard for him to process. he starts to giggle and laugh and act very childish. He does this when he is confused, afraid or when he truly does not remember. He is an eleven year old with a emotional ability of a five year old. That is truly a very difficult conversation. He wants to make every thing silly so he does not have to deal with reality.
However, life is in reality and not a comic. So we have to limit a lot of his life and kept him close to us and have had some talks in reality. I don't think he realizes what he is doing but that is ok. We will have to guide him. Have to talk things through and explain and show what he is doing and how if affects his world around him. This is not easy and it takes lots of time. A child can only learn when he is able and not when YOU want them too. They have to be emotionally ready. So that is what we need to do, remind him we are here and support him. Have him feel extremely safe and open to discussion.
How do you lose the emotionaly piece and not have him secure? I am learning a child with FAS can attach and love and be very responsible. However, their processing skills are limited and at times when their world is coming apart they don't know what or how to deal with it. Like many kids, however, instead of having a huge meltdown or crisis they tend to let it fester becasue they don't know it is there. They feel a frustration mounting but they don't know what it is and then just as quickly it is gone. They are mad or angry in the moment and then poof they are happy. They are truly happy. There is nothing wrong with their world. So you don't see it. This is the piece I am trying to learn and be ahead off. I know he has his triggers but life does not work with anticipating things it happens. Things happen that you have no control over and that is why a routine and constant reminders help.
I think I have an emotionally healthy child but I don't. So when this happens we will secure him and slowly over time he will pull away and I hope by writing this I will not forget. You learn many things by constant repitition, even parenting you need repitition with life to review and guide.
I think this post is for me but I thought I would share.
These are not conversations you have with your kids over dinner, these are conversations you have briefly and just here and there. You have to learn when to talk to your child.
Brandon does not remember well, and yet when he does he won't talk about it. It is too hard for him to process. he starts to giggle and laugh and act very childish. He does this when he is confused, afraid or when he truly does not remember. He is an eleven year old with a emotional ability of a five year old. That is truly a very difficult conversation. He wants to make every thing silly so he does not have to deal with reality.
However, life is in reality and not a comic. So we have to limit a lot of his life and kept him close to us and have had some talks in reality. I don't think he realizes what he is doing but that is ok. We will have to guide him. Have to talk things through and explain and show what he is doing and how if affects his world around him. This is not easy and it takes lots of time. A child can only learn when he is able and not when YOU want them too. They have to be emotionally ready. So that is what we need to do, remind him we are here and support him. Have him feel extremely safe and open to discussion.
How do you lose the emotionaly piece and not have him secure? I am learning a child with FAS can attach and love and be very responsible. However, their processing skills are limited and at times when their world is coming apart they don't know what or how to deal with it. Like many kids, however, instead of having a huge meltdown or crisis they tend to let it fester becasue they don't know it is there. They feel a frustration mounting but they don't know what it is and then just as quickly it is gone. They are mad or angry in the moment and then poof they are happy. They are truly happy. There is nothing wrong with their world. So you don't see it. This is the piece I am trying to learn and be ahead off. I know he has his triggers but life does not work with anticipating things it happens. Things happen that you have no control over and that is why a routine and constant reminders help.
I think I have an emotionally healthy child but I don't. So when this happens we will secure him and slowly over time he will pull away and I hope by writing this I will not forget. You learn many things by constant repitition, even parenting you need repitition with life to review and guide.
I think this post is for me but I thought I would share.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Helping out Dad
Well, we talked about watching the Packer game with my Dad or the boys Grandpa. I got a phone call after the FAS conference.... he had fallen and had broken his rib. he was in a lot of pain. So we came up for the game and hung out with Grandpa.
At 11:00 pm sunday night he decided he needed ER care. he was in too much pain. He is not breathing deeply enough to get proper oxygen and it HURTS to take super big breaths and it HURTS to cough. The two things he needs to do to heal. So they are keeping him in the hospital until his oxygen levels increase. Otherwise the next choice is him getting pnomonia. Not a good option. So we are taking care of his babies.. two girl dogs that are looking sad without my dad around. Hopefully they won't trip him when he comes home from the hospital.
It is scarey to see how frail your parent is becoming. I know and hope that once the pain is not so intolerable he will feel better and not feel old and frail. It must be scary to lose your spouse and then injure yourself where you need help and there is no one at home to take care of you. It would be depressing too and I hope and prayer he does not get too depressed over this but strengthens himself more than he has.
I think after my mom has died he has been stronger and more available to us kids. I enjoy this but really miss my mom too. Like with the suspension with Brandon. My dad said all the right things to me on the phone. He was very sympathetic and understood my saddness over my child's decsion. He did not say "oh boys will be boys" he said "I am sorry to hear that for you" or something like that. He did not dismiss it as nothing. I mean my sister laughed when she heard it but my dad did not or if he did he was quite good at listening to me. He has been very emotionally available to my other sister who is going through cancer journey. However, she is afraid that once her journey is done and she is going on with life she will not have a closeness or be able to converse with my dad.
I don't think that is true. I know I really don't have much in common with my dad either. However, we once were close for a father and daughter when I played tennis in high school and college and I think there is something still there. It is not as strong but I feel there are times I am still able to understand my dad. If I lived closer it would be stronger but I live out of town so I don't see him as much as I hope. Life with my boys is where my life is, they need me. And the really nice thing is my dad knows this as well because a long long time ago he had to raise three girls and a boy.
At 11:00 pm sunday night he decided he needed ER care. he was in too much pain. He is not breathing deeply enough to get proper oxygen and it HURTS to take super big breaths and it HURTS to cough. The two things he needs to do to heal. So they are keeping him in the hospital until his oxygen levels increase. Otherwise the next choice is him getting pnomonia. Not a good option. So we are taking care of his babies.. two girl dogs that are looking sad without my dad around. Hopefully they won't trip him when he comes home from the hospital.
It is scarey to see how frail your parent is becoming. I know and hope that once the pain is not so intolerable he will feel better and not feel old and frail. It must be scary to lose your spouse and then injure yourself where you need help and there is no one at home to take care of you. It would be depressing too and I hope and prayer he does not get too depressed over this but strengthens himself more than he has.
I think after my mom has died he has been stronger and more available to us kids. I enjoy this but really miss my mom too. Like with the suspension with Brandon. My dad said all the right things to me on the phone. He was very sympathetic and understood my saddness over my child's decsion. He did not say "oh boys will be boys" he said "I am sorry to hear that for you" or something like that. He did not dismiss it as nothing. I mean my sister laughed when she heard it but my dad did not or if he did he was quite good at listening to me. He has been very emotionally available to my other sister who is going through cancer journey. However, she is afraid that once her journey is done and she is going on with life she will not have a closeness or be able to converse with my dad.
I don't think that is true. I know I really don't have much in common with my dad either. However, we once were close for a father and daughter when I played tennis in high school and college and I think there is something still there. It is not as strong but I feel there are times I am still able to understand my dad. If I lived closer it would be stronger but I live out of town so I don't see him as much as I hope. Life with my boys is where my life is, they need me. And the really nice thing is my dad knows this as well because a long long time ago he had to raise three girls and a boy.
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Suspension.....
Brandon got suspended today. Actually it happen yesterday. He had a pocket knife in his pocket and showed a friend who went and told a teacher. So technically my child brought in a weapon to school, this is a 5 day suspension... however, due to his disability he has to serve only one day. When the vice principle called me and told me of the situation she said.."he doesn't get it" She (the VP) realized that Brandon did not understand why he was in trouble. He knew you didn't bring weapons to school but he wasn't going to use it that way he just "forgot" he had it in his pocket.
Why did he have a pocket knife in his pocket? Because he saw it on the office "desk" and he took it to tell me (another paragraph) it was out and could he have it. I know he told me that because of a problem we have been having and I have been working on with him. I am pretty sure he wanted it and took it.
Lately, Brandon has been taking things that don't belong to him. luckily nothing out of the household that I am aware of but finding things as he rumages through our drawers and personal items... and find something of interested and puts it in his pocket. Now the first thing we discovered was Don's old watch, it doesn't work, but he took without asking. We told him he could have it but he had to find it again and ASK us to have it. He agreeed.. The next day I found my old cell phone in his pocket that was in the office drawer. He knew he took it with out asking because he didn't want me to pick up his pants off the floor. He was a bit embarressed (something I could notice not a person observing) and said it wouldn't happen again.
Guess what I lost some file keys in my office. I worked with Brandon and just said "hey if you find some extra keys just put them on my dresser" He found some and put them on my dresser. I spoke with him about this and was trying to decide why he is doing this. Things are difficult at school and I know he feels a lot of stress... so I offered him a way out of making these poor choices but correcting them on his own. I told him to put things under his dresser (where we found the keys) when he discovers things in his pockets that don't belong to him. He was ok with this and gave him an out. I think he realizes what he was doing wrong but he wasn't or didn't know how to correct it without feeling he would get in trouble. I was hoping talking about his hands etc and giving him a place to put them so we don't loose things would help.
Unfortunately he wanted that pocket knife for a long time. We even talked about getting them one for Christmas.... so I know he didn't take the pocket knife to let me know I had left if out (because I know it was in a drawer) he took it because he wanted it. Now the theory is that children that take things are in need of something emotional that they are not receiving. So in some way I am glad he is home so I can talk to him at odd times and see what he has to say because his thoughts and stories change. I think they are so messed up in his head he does or can't process. SO for now the child will be at my side or his dad's and feel secure. I didn't realized how far away he felt. Don does not feel it as "emotionally" as that and it may not be that emotional but with his FAS and thought process he has to learn the correct way to handle situations because we will not always be there for him.
Hopefully I will learn more of what is going on in his head and post it later.
Why did he have a pocket knife in his pocket? Because he saw it on the office "desk" and he took it to tell me (another paragraph) it was out and could he have it. I know he told me that because of a problem we have been having and I have been working on with him. I am pretty sure he wanted it and took it.
Lately, Brandon has been taking things that don't belong to him. luckily nothing out of the household that I am aware of but finding things as he rumages through our drawers and personal items... and find something of interested and puts it in his pocket. Now the first thing we discovered was Don's old watch, it doesn't work, but he took without asking. We told him he could have it but he had to find it again and ASK us to have it. He agreeed.. The next day I found my old cell phone in his pocket that was in the office drawer. He knew he took it with out asking because he didn't want me to pick up his pants off the floor. He was a bit embarressed (something I could notice not a person observing) and said it wouldn't happen again.
Guess what I lost some file keys in my office. I worked with Brandon and just said "hey if you find some extra keys just put them on my dresser" He found some and put them on my dresser. I spoke with him about this and was trying to decide why he is doing this. Things are difficult at school and I know he feels a lot of stress... so I offered him a way out of making these poor choices but correcting them on his own. I told him to put things under his dresser (where we found the keys) when he discovers things in his pockets that don't belong to him. He was ok with this and gave him an out. I think he realizes what he was doing wrong but he wasn't or didn't know how to correct it without feeling he would get in trouble. I was hoping talking about his hands etc and giving him a place to put them so we don't loose things would help.
Unfortunately he wanted that pocket knife for a long time. We even talked about getting them one for Christmas.... so I know he didn't take the pocket knife to let me know I had left if out (because I know it was in a drawer) he took it because he wanted it. Now the theory is that children that take things are in need of something emotional that they are not receiving. So in some way I am glad he is home so I can talk to him at odd times and see what he has to say because his thoughts and stories change. I think they are so messed up in his head he does or can't process. SO for now the child will be at my side or his dad's and feel secure. I didn't realized how far away he felt. Don does not feel it as "emotionally" as that and it may not be that emotional but with his FAS and thought process he has to learn the correct way to handle situations because we will not always be there for him.
Hopefully I will learn more of what is going on in his head and post it later.
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Progress Reports
We got the kids progress reports. Josh is doing extremely well in science and technology... however, his social studies is not good. He talked to his teacher and we have a month to get it up to a B. Yes, he is getting a D. I have never seen any homework or anything that he has done in this class.... however, in math I had to point out that when he brought home his assignments and we reviewed it with him and helped him understand his math he would get a 10/10 and do well on the test.... hmmmmm and we never saw any SS. So I am hoping he will bring some home so we can see where he struggles and help him understand. Josh is smart but he likes to do things quickly and be done with it without the re checks. He makes so many simply errors that when he slows down he does extremely well. Plus he is on safety patrol, technology club and he even got elected to student council... I don't want him to lose any of the extra privieges.
I am so happy for Josh. In the third grade he wanted to be a part of student council at school. There were so many kids interested that the teachers had the kids take a vote and elect two from each class. Josh was not picked and he was SO bummed. I felt at that age they should of drawn two names since 80%of the class wanted it. Or it could of been because he lost out to TWO NEW students, which I think everyone wanted to make them feel welcomed but I had a sad child so I felt differently. However, we moved to the new school and in the fourth grade you were not part of student council it was for 5th-8th. Bummer So he started his 5th grade year, and yes he had to be voted on to do student council. I was worried for him because at one point he did not want to do it for fear of losing. I said it was no big deal if he did he should try... and he got chosen. I still don't like the voting system at this age however, instead of most of the kids there were only 3 and two got picked. So the kids that want to be on student council really are the ones to be elected. Luckily the child not chosen didn't really care. or so I hope.
Brandon progress report was very good too. NO!! Why am I concerened that he has a good progress report?? Because he has an IEP (individual education program) and I don't want him to lose it. He has FAS and even though he does well he needs to have him crutches to help him. He will go down the tubes quickly if he does not. I am not trying to be negative, it is a fact. He knows things and then there are days he won't, he has completely forgotten them. This is where his brain has been affected by the fetal alcohol at birth, he has no control over this but with lots of repititions he gets better but he still has moments. When they leave for breaks he has to learn simply procedures all over again, but he is getting better at it, but he needs the IEP to help. The school took a lot of minutes away from him last year and I don't want him to lose more.
Now, on his state test he did "below standards" in math which makes me breathe because they can't get rid of his IEP if he is failing the state levels. So it shows he needs the help. Currently his reading score is just a bump above "meeting standards" so I hope it stays there and with the IEP it will but without it, he will not do well. I think the teachers thinks he has it but then he tests and he does bad... so he really isn't getting it as they think. I don't want to have him fail so they "get it." I want them to understand he learns it slower on some things but with constant repitition he will understand some things but he won't get to slow it down if he does not have an IEP. This is why we struggle with homework at home, he doesn't understand things like it appears he does at school. Also he is not medicated at home by the time he gets home, so many more obsticles we face that the school does not see. But then I get "every child is different at home" another post and I am sure I will update you on his school progress.
I am so happy for Josh. In the third grade he wanted to be a part of student council at school. There were so many kids interested that the teachers had the kids take a vote and elect two from each class. Josh was not picked and he was SO bummed. I felt at that age they should of drawn two names since 80%of the class wanted it. Or it could of been because he lost out to TWO NEW students, which I think everyone wanted to make them feel welcomed but I had a sad child so I felt differently. However, we moved to the new school and in the fourth grade you were not part of student council it was for 5th-8th. Bummer So he started his 5th grade year, and yes he had to be voted on to do student council. I was worried for him because at one point he did not want to do it for fear of losing. I said it was no big deal if he did he should try... and he got chosen. I still don't like the voting system at this age however, instead of most of the kids there were only 3 and two got picked. So the kids that want to be on student council really are the ones to be elected. Luckily the child not chosen didn't really care. or so I hope.
Brandon progress report was very good too. NO!! Why am I concerened that he has a good progress report?? Because he has an IEP (individual education program) and I don't want him to lose it. He has FAS and even though he does well he needs to have him crutches to help him. He will go down the tubes quickly if he does not. I am not trying to be negative, it is a fact. He knows things and then there are days he won't, he has completely forgotten them. This is where his brain has been affected by the fetal alcohol at birth, he has no control over this but with lots of repititions he gets better but he still has moments. When they leave for breaks he has to learn simply procedures all over again, but he is getting better at it, but he needs the IEP to help. The school took a lot of minutes away from him last year and I don't want him to lose more.
Now, on his state test he did "below standards" in math which makes me breathe because they can't get rid of his IEP if he is failing the state levels. So it shows he needs the help. Currently his reading score is just a bump above "meeting standards" so I hope it stays there and with the IEP it will but without it, he will not do well. I think the teachers thinks he has it but then he tests and he does bad... so he really isn't getting it as they think. I don't want to have him fail so they "get it." I want them to understand he learns it slower on some things but with constant repitition he will understand some things but he won't get to slow it down if he does not have an IEP. This is why we struggle with homework at home, he doesn't understand things like it appears he does at school. Also he is not medicated at home by the time he gets home, so many more obsticles we face that the school does not see. But then I get "every child is different at home" another post and I am sure I will update you on his school progress.
soccer season
Why is the first soccer game the coldest day in Fall? It has been so hot lately and then a few fall type days and now winter coats are needed. UGH Luckily it is a short cold spell but I hope we get some nice fall days.
It is good soup days though. I need to find recipes for tomatos. I have a bunch and I want to use them up in a good way.
We have a conference next week in regards to FAS. I don't think I am going to learn anything more than what I know but it is a great reminder of what I do know. Why my child can do things that drive me nuts and yet I know it isn't on purpose, but needing direction. It sounds so simply in writing this but it isn't on a daily level. I video taped us the other day. As I replayed it and I am listening to it I think I sound calm but I ask a lot of questions.
I want to really capture what I see but by the time I have the camera the anger has past and I should be grateful but I want Brandon to see his anger and how he looks. Then I realize maybe it is better he does get over it quicker.... and I don't need it to show my child how he looks and acts over things that even I can't control.. like homework.
It is good soup days though. I need to find recipes for tomatos. I have a bunch and I want to use them up in a good way.
We have a conference next week in regards to FAS. I don't think I am going to learn anything more than what I know but it is a great reminder of what I do know. Why my child can do things that drive me nuts and yet I know it isn't on purpose, but needing direction. It sounds so simply in writing this but it isn't on a daily level. I video taped us the other day. As I replayed it and I am listening to it I think I sound calm but I ask a lot of questions.
I want to really capture what I see but by the time I have the camera the anger has past and I should be grateful but I want Brandon to see his anger and how he looks. Then I realize maybe it is better he does get over it quicker.... and I don't need it to show my child how he looks and acts over things that even I can't control.. like homework.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Daddy is getting it
The other day, Josh had mowed the lawn and had bumped into the house with the tractor a few times.. he ruined the siding on the house and left big black marks. I notice this a few days after he had mowed and Don didn't notice at all. So I had to show him... he was not happy and rather upset however, while talking to Don, I reminded him he may be angry but yelling is not going to fix this. He knows this but frustration can get the best of you. Anyway, he showed Josh and talked to him about it. When it was time to mow the yard again Don went over what was expected of Josh and let him mow the yard. Unfortunately, this time Josh mowed over a mat for the front door that was out on the cement blocks by the hose reel. He tore up the mat, .. Josh was upset and fell apart. He could not mow anymore and was very upset.
I pointed out to Don that explaining the expectations and knowing kids are going to screw up they will get it. Don felt bad for Josh and try to encorage him to go on and keep mowing. I think both Josh and Dad came to a better understanding of each other. Don became aware that his son is capable of things but it is still a child and really doesn't know as much as he thinks... and Josh learned that his Dad doesn't always yell over things.
Don came from a family that yelled when things didn't go right. I lived with a family that didn't confront. Parenting at times can be difficult when you look at things from different angles... but we are making progress as parents to do better. One thing my husband and I disagree with is tolerance. Don grew up in a home that if you didn't get it the first few times, you were yelled at. I didn't have any expectations.. we just did things.
So I have been always reminding Don (who really has a heart of gold) that yelling isn't the answer. Kids will get it over time with lots of reminders and chats that you have of what is expected et.c It is not an overnight of progress it is like chipping away.
I think it has been nice because lately I think Don is seeing how this works and experiencing it as well. Plus the boys are getting older and understanding many things as well. I just hope we keep working at helping our kids be strong adults and have a healthy character.
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Chipping at the iceberg
I had a note from Brandon's teacher, she stated that Brandon has been filling in his agenda and remembering to bring it too her for a signature. YEAH Two years ago, he could not even fill out the agenda and get ready to go home. He had so much difficulty that his 4th grade teacher ended up giving his agenda to the girl next to him to do it so he could get ready.
This is something that we chip away at. It is not something that happens in a few weeks, this take years to develop with him. We are slowly making changes in how Brandon is learning how things need to get done. We are constantly trying to keep his emotional gap at the least amount of years behind his physical age.
I would honestly say he is still 5 years behind his age BUT there are times he is only 2 years behind. I need to keep this gap.... if we can we may have a twenty year old by the time he is 25. Is is realistic? I honestly don't know but I will keep chipping away.
His home base teacher is worried about high school.. and I had to say, I can't I have to worry about today and helping and assisting and knowing why he isn't getting what he needs. This is when constant reminders are so very needed.
I have learn with FAS child everything is REPEAT REPEAT REPEAT... and then REPEAT REPEAT REPEAT.
Life is black and white and you create a way to make their world that way while dabbling in what reality differences are... if that make sense.
On another note, Josh failed his hearing test on his left ear. So the nurses brought him in today to reevaluate it. At first they wanted to make sure he didn't have any ear infection or wax build up and No he did not.... I got a bit concern but then they re tested him and did a more comprehensive test and he passed without a problem. WHEH
This is something that we chip away at. It is not something that happens in a few weeks, this take years to develop with him. We are slowly making changes in how Brandon is learning how things need to get done. We are constantly trying to keep his emotional gap at the least amount of years behind his physical age.
I would honestly say he is still 5 years behind his age BUT there are times he is only 2 years behind. I need to keep this gap.... if we can we may have a twenty year old by the time he is 25. Is is realistic? I honestly don't know but I will keep chipping away.
His home base teacher is worried about high school.. and I had to say, I can't I have to worry about today and helping and assisting and knowing why he isn't getting what he needs. This is when constant reminders are so very needed.
I have learn with FAS child everything is REPEAT REPEAT REPEAT... and then REPEAT REPEAT REPEAT.
Life is black and white and you create a way to make their world that way while dabbling in what reality differences are... if that make sense.
On another note, Josh failed his hearing test on his left ear. So the nurses brought him in today to reevaluate it. At first they wanted to make sure he didn't have any ear infection or wax build up and No he did not.... I got a bit concern but then they re tested him and did a more comprehensive test and he passed without a problem. WHEH
Monday, August 20, 2012
SHoes and getting in the groove
We are back in school and getting the groove on. Learning how to cope with school and do the homework and move on to other things. It is not an easy thing to do when you have a child that does not handle transition easy.
But I must admit it is getting better. I hope in continues to climb in this direction. The morning routine is getting easier but it is still getting up and getting the day going. I marvel at how things have come. the other day Brandon went to put his shoes on and he didn't have enough time to complete the task becasue we had to be out the door and going. He picked up his shoes and carried them in his arms with his backpack and lunch box and got in the car. By the time we arrived at school his shoes were on and laced up. Big deal right?
Hey three years ago my son would not or could not put on his shoes... the laces were too tight to get his foot in and if he unlaced them he would pull out the laces etc... then in total frustration he would throw his shoe across the room and bang his head on the ground. Two years ago he struggled with unlacing his shoes and putting them on but learn how to control the anger and ask for help. He got it (he got help in other ways but he was making an awareness decision on how to handle difficult tasks) and then last year... if he was running late he was upset with putting them on in the car and needed help but he slowly learn he could do it. I told him how proud I was of how far he had come and learn to put on his shoes... he just looked at me like I was silly.
It seems like everyday is a struggle and it really isn't. Things are getting better but it is a very slow and steady progress that unless you don't look back you really don't see how far you have come.
But I must admit it is getting better. I hope in continues to climb in this direction. The morning routine is getting easier but it is still getting up and getting the day going. I marvel at how things have come. the other day Brandon went to put his shoes on and he didn't have enough time to complete the task becasue we had to be out the door and going. He picked up his shoes and carried them in his arms with his backpack and lunch box and got in the car. By the time we arrived at school his shoes were on and laced up. Big deal right?
Hey three years ago my son would not or could not put on his shoes... the laces were too tight to get his foot in and if he unlaced them he would pull out the laces etc... then in total frustration he would throw his shoe across the room and bang his head on the ground. Two years ago he struggled with unlacing his shoes and putting them on but learn how to control the anger and ask for help. He got it (he got help in other ways but he was making an awareness decision on how to handle difficult tasks) and then last year... if he was running late he was upset with putting them on in the car and needed help but he slowly learn he could do it. I told him how proud I was of how far he had come and learn to put on his shoes... he just looked at me like I was silly.
It seems like everyday is a struggle and it really isn't. Things are getting better but it is a very slow and steady progress that unless you don't look back you really don't see how far you have come.
Monday, August 6, 2012
A bit bummed
The other day a woman who's blog I read stated that a little girl that was being hosted from Ukraine and was struggling with her family and needed a new host family for a few weeks. I talked to my husband and he was on board with it and so we talked to the boys.
The boys were very excited and really thought it would be great to help out. I reminded them it would be short term and that she would have to go back to Ukraine. They were ok with that. Josh even comment that this would be a great time for them to step up and get along better. We also told them the reason why the girl was having difficulties was because she had FAS (like Brandon) and was struggling with coping with all the new adjustments.
We made it very clear that I could not help them as much as I used to and that they had to pick up some slack and also help with the girl in adjusting to everything. May I say I was so PROUD of both my boys. They wanted to help and teach her what a family was and how to handle life little problems. Josh was so cute he even said that the girl sounded a lot like his brother. (yes she did).
Needless to say, we are a bit sad, she will not be joining our family for a few weeks. They found her a host family and it sounds like a good one for her. At least this little girl will have what she needs to help her before she goes back to Ukraine. I am happy for that but a little sad that we won't have this experience with her and for the boys.
Josh thinks we should look for another girl to help out. They want a girl since they have each other as brothers.... so a little girl to help would be great. They both would not mind a baby sister.
We are doing something right with these two little guys, love them and the BIG hearts.
The boys were very excited and really thought it would be great to help out. I reminded them it would be short term and that she would have to go back to Ukraine. They were ok with that. Josh even comment that this would be a great time for them to step up and get along better. We also told them the reason why the girl was having difficulties was because she had FAS (like Brandon) and was struggling with coping with all the new adjustments.
We made it very clear that I could not help them as much as I used to and that they had to pick up some slack and also help with the girl in adjusting to everything. May I say I was so PROUD of both my boys. They wanted to help and teach her what a family was and how to handle life little problems. Josh was so cute he even said that the girl sounded a lot like his brother. (yes she did).
Needless to say, we are a bit sad, she will not be joining our family for a few weeks. They found her a host family and it sounds like a good one for her. At least this little girl will have what she needs to help her before she goes back to Ukraine. I am happy for that but a little sad that we won't have this experience with her and for the boys.
Josh thinks we should look for another girl to help out. They want a girl since they have each other as brothers.... so a little girl to help would be great. They both would not mind a baby sister.
We are doing something right with these two little guys, love them and the BIG hearts.
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Back to School 2012
We started back to school this past week. All was good. Josh loves being in 5th grade and all the "new" things he gets to do. Brandon didn't like as much but has learn to enjoy.
They are both going to do safety patrol in the afternoon and Josh is adding his in the AM as well. Josh has wanted to do this for two years and his finally going to do safety patrol at his school. He is so exited for this it is really sweet. I hope he likes it as much as he thinks he will.
I am a bit bummed though. Joshua does not have the same teachers as Brandon did. I wanted Josh to have the teachers his brother did so I can say "see it isn't me" my kid is not being over protected or mother... he doesn't get it. The teachers look at me like he is fine.. but I know what my child really gets and what he doesn't. If you knew Josh in school... he gets it. He is so far ahead in "getting it" that you don't need to worry about him. He will get his assignments and follow up etc.. (unlike another child that has no clue). I just wanted the teachers to know I am raising healthy kids.
Brandon is so all over the board and unfocused and well Josh is so focused it is scary. I wanted the teachers to know I can raise a "normal" child. I feel they still look at me cross eyes and making it up.
Oh well, I know what my kids need and if I get the looks at least my child wil get the help he deserves and need.
They are both going to do safety patrol in the afternoon and Josh is adding his in the AM as well. Josh has wanted to do this for two years and his finally going to do safety patrol at his school. He is so exited for this it is really sweet. I hope he likes it as much as he thinks he will.
I am a bit bummed though. Joshua does not have the same teachers as Brandon did. I wanted Josh to have the teachers his brother did so I can say "see it isn't me" my kid is not being over protected or mother... he doesn't get it. The teachers look at me like he is fine.. but I know what my child really gets and what he doesn't. If you knew Josh in school... he gets it. He is so far ahead in "getting it" that you don't need to worry about him. He will get his assignments and follow up etc.. (unlike another child that has no clue). I just wanted the teachers to know I am raising healthy kids.
Brandon is so all over the board and unfocused and well Josh is so focused it is scary. I wanted the teachers to know I can raise a "normal" child. I feel they still look at me cross eyes and making it up.
Oh well, I know what my kids need and if I get the looks at least my child wil get the help he deserves and need.
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Smack me on the HEAD
It is July, it is Josh's birthday. This boy is my sensitive sweetheart with heart of gold. He loves us and his extended family and loves to celebrate. So what is the big deal? Well we celebrated his birthday the other day and his brother did wonderful (another post) and all is well. We are leaving for a trip and I wanted him to have his birthday gifts before we go.... not a big deal right?
Well if you have an adopted child what do you thing a birthday brings up?? YEP his birth mom and that somewhere a time ago a person rejected him. How can the most secure person feel this way?? well they do, and it so deep they don't even know they are feeling it. I didn't help my child much yesterday and I wished I had gone into his room with a better attitude than I did but yet we got the elephant out in the open.
It started when the boys decided that they didn't need to listen to me or respond when I spoke to them. They wanted to giggle and be silly. Which is fine but it started because they were not getting along and then a friend came over and well things escalated. So I decided it was time for them to spend some extra time with me. Over a period of time, Josh went to his room to put away some clothes and wait for further instruction. When I went to his room he had just shoved his clothes that were neatly folded into his dresser drawers and well they were hanging out. His room looked awful because stuff from his closet was all over. I suggested he clean it up and he said "when I want too and that is how I roll" uhm I said "no, you need to do this now while I am here to help." Josh "I will when I want too".... excuse me??? So he relented and started taking the costumes from his floor and rolling them into a ball and threw them into the closet. "hey Josh that is not how we fold and put things away." Josh "they are my things and I can do what ever I want with them and treat them how I want."
OK where is this attitude coming from and he never gives me a hard time and YES I admit it I lost it with him. The attitude the comments just ripped at me. So I pulled the costumes from the closet andtold him he should fold them and I would help put them back up. Well he got upset and started yelling how we think we own everyhting and he doesn't own anything and he is a "nothing" and he didn't deserve anything.. and he started taking everything off his headboard and telling me to take it he didn't need it. He didn't need his clothes or his toys or his bed or anything. My child was so upset he got naked to prove he didn't need anything and put all his belonging on his bed and told me to take them because bottom line "he deserves nothing because no one cares"
While he was throwing his tantrum I calmly started folding all of his clothes to help him (when he was done) to put them back. He was so upset he ranted for a half an hour about things. So after I folded his clothes (all from his dresser) I went over and gave him a hug and a kiss. He slapped me and I hugged him tighter and told him he did deserve a family and he did deserve to put on some clothes. I handed him back the clothes he had and he wouldn't put them on but just kept yelling at me and I just held him and as he said he didn't need me he held my legs down so I wouldn't leave. His actions were so different than his tone. I just slowly sat there with him and let him rant. When he slowly began to settle down, Don had come home. He spoke with Josh about how frustrated he must be and that little boys need to learn rules and how to treat adults etc.. Another angle but he also told him he deserved a family etc.... and gave him a hug. We gave Josh some time and he picked up his room and felt better and I offered to help, but he wanted to do it on his own.
Later that evening Josh said "thanks for adopting me" and Don said " you don't have to thank us, we wanted you. We should be thanking you, you don't ever have to thank us." a hard concept for them since they have to learn how to be decent people by learning how to follow rules and how to be respectful to other people. Oh what Birthdays can do.
Well if you have an adopted child what do you thing a birthday brings up?? YEP his birth mom and that somewhere a time ago a person rejected him. How can the most secure person feel this way?? well they do, and it so deep they don't even know they are feeling it. I didn't help my child much yesterday and I wished I had gone into his room with a better attitude than I did but yet we got the elephant out in the open.
It started when the boys decided that they didn't need to listen to me or respond when I spoke to them. They wanted to giggle and be silly. Which is fine but it started because they were not getting along and then a friend came over and well things escalated. So I decided it was time for them to spend some extra time with me. Over a period of time, Josh went to his room to put away some clothes and wait for further instruction. When I went to his room he had just shoved his clothes that were neatly folded into his dresser drawers and well they were hanging out. His room looked awful because stuff from his closet was all over. I suggested he clean it up and he said "when I want too and that is how I roll" uhm I said "no, you need to do this now while I am here to help." Josh "I will when I want too".... excuse me??? So he relented and started taking the costumes from his floor and rolling them into a ball and threw them into the closet. "hey Josh that is not how we fold and put things away." Josh "they are my things and I can do what ever I want with them and treat them how I want."
OK where is this attitude coming from and he never gives me a hard time and YES I admit it I lost it with him. The attitude the comments just ripped at me. So I pulled the costumes from the closet andtold him he should fold them and I would help put them back up. Well he got upset and started yelling how we think we own everyhting and he doesn't own anything and he is a "nothing" and he didn't deserve anything.. and he started taking everything off his headboard and telling me to take it he didn't need it. He didn't need his clothes or his toys or his bed or anything. My child was so upset he got naked to prove he didn't need anything and put all his belonging on his bed and told me to take them because bottom line "he deserves nothing because no one cares"
While he was throwing his tantrum I calmly started folding all of his clothes to help him (when he was done) to put them back. He was so upset he ranted for a half an hour about things. So after I folded his clothes (all from his dresser) I went over and gave him a hug and a kiss. He slapped me and I hugged him tighter and told him he did deserve a family and he did deserve to put on some clothes. I handed him back the clothes he had and he wouldn't put them on but just kept yelling at me and I just held him and as he said he didn't need me he held my legs down so I wouldn't leave. His actions were so different than his tone. I just slowly sat there with him and let him rant. When he slowly began to settle down, Don had come home. He spoke with Josh about how frustrated he must be and that little boys need to learn rules and how to treat adults etc.. Another angle but he also told him he deserved a family etc.... and gave him a hug. We gave Josh some time and he picked up his room and felt better and I offered to help, but he wanted to do it on his own.
Later that evening Josh said "thanks for adopting me" and Don said " you don't have to thank us, we wanted you. We should be thanking you, you don't ever have to thank us." a hard concept for them since they have to learn how to be decent people by learning how to follow rules and how to be respectful to other people. Oh what Birthdays can do.
Monday, July 2, 2012
Kids and drama
I thought it was suppose to be difficult raising girls.... I have a son who is very dramatic about everything. Then I have my sensitive son, who right now is being very sensitive.
Why? I don't really know except he came home from playing at his friends house and he seemed upset. Now he knows if he complains I might get upset, why? Because last night they were the best of friends and nothing could change that... then today it is like enemies. What I figure is more kids have come around and my son gets jealous and when he doesn't get his way he gets upset. Sounds like he left before he got upset but I think he left too upset. How do you teach your child not to get jealous when other friends are around? I am a work in progress on this. I know 80% of this is him and the other is the way this friend treats him with others around or who really knows. The story I hear keeps changing and nothing seems to stay the same.
However, his brother (the drama one) is over now playing and is most likely having a good time because in some ways this stuff is beyond him. Just wish I could be a fly on the wall so i know exactly what goes on.
On a brighter note, as of today the boys are getting along better. Just wish one would not be so sensitive that he gets dramatic....I said it..
Why? I don't really know except he came home from playing at his friends house and he seemed upset. Now he knows if he complains I might get upset, why? Because last night they were the best of friends and nothing could change that... then today it is like enemies. What I figure is more kids have come around and my son gets jealous and when he doesn't get his way he gets upset. Sounds like he left before he got upset but I think he left too upset. How do you teach your child not to get jealous when other friends are around? I am a work in progress on this. I know 80% of this is him and the other is the way this friend treats him with others around or who really knows. The story I hear keeps changing and nothing seems to stay the same.
However, his brother (the drama one) is over now playing and is most likely having a good time because in some ways this stuff is beyond him. Just wish I could be a fly on the wall so i know exactly what goes on.
On a brighter note, as of today the boys are getting along better. Just wish one would not be so sensitive that he gets dramatic....I said it..
Friday, June 22, 2012
Nobody can understand
Nobody can understand this better than another parent with a child that has FAS. Where to begin, I got up to walk this am and there was some garage sales in the other subdivision.. I found a costume for Brandon. He loved it and of course he had to wear it. No big deal, because most 11 year olds run around in costumes in the middle of summer.
Well we went to a video store and the boys were picking out video games for the WII. In comes walking a little girl he knows from school. When she saw Brandon she said "what are you wearing?" and I could actually see Brandon slightly cringed and then seem embaressed a bit but quickly got over it when he said just a costume he just got and she was like "oh" then they moved on. I am glad this girl is pretty open to people and if they are nice, all is good. Unfortunately, a boy his age thinking they were cool may of laughed (but don't know since it didn't happen).
Then when we came home, Brandon and Josh got to play their video games. Brandon went first of course and of course we lost him while he was playing. (slightly zoned out and doesn't know you are talking to him) When the buzzer went off for him, well he got mad.... as expected. He got angry at "Josh" why at Josh, because he blames his brother for everything... I had told him to get off and he didnt' hear me, Josh did and all Josh asked to do was go to the main menu. Long story short... Brandon got mad and stomped around the house and yelled an got angry at everything!!
So now, I have to have him relax and sit until he can Quit blaming his brother and figure out a better solution. HE DID and not what I expected. I was so proud of him. He finally after 20-30 minutes realized that he didn't like his brother telling him to get off. (which Josh didn't but not the point) he finally said.. "instead of getting mad I should of asked you. I should have paused it and found you and asked." He realized he could pause and FIND ME (not just yell or expect someone else to do it) but to find me and ASK ME. He still may of had a fit, but hey.... just knowing he figured it out makes me smile.
Now I got to get my Josh to bed early tonight, a bit on the cranky side (another post)
Well we went to a video store and the boys were picking out video games for the WII. In comes walking a little girl he knows from school. When she saw Brandon she said "what are you wearing?" and I could actually see Brandon slightly cringed and then seem embaressed a bit but quickly got over it when he said just a costume he just got and she was like "oh" then they moved on. I am glad this girl is pretty open to people and if they are nice, all is good. Unfortunately, a boy his age thinking they were cool may of laughed (but don't know since it didn't happen).
Then when we came home, Brandon and Josh got to play their video games. Brandon went first of course and of course we lost him while he was playing. (slightly zoned out and doesn't know you are talking to him) When the buzzer went off for him, well he got mad.... as expected. He got angry at "Josh" why at Josh, because he blames his brother for everything... I had told him to get off and he didnt' hear me, Josh did and all Josh asked to do was go to the main menu. Long story short... Brandon got mad and stomped around the house and yelled an got angry at everything!!
So now, I have to have him relax and sit until he can Quit blaming his brother and figure out a better solution. HE DID and not what I expected. I was so proud of him. He finally after 20-30 minutes realized that he didn't like his brother telling him to get off. (which Josh didn't but not the point) he finally said.. "instead of getting mad I should of asked you. I should have paused it and found you and asked." He realized he could pause and FIND ME (not just yell or expect someone else to do it) but to find me and ASK ME. He still may of had a fit, but hey.... just knowing he figured it out makes me smile.
Now I got to get my Josh to bed early tonight, a bit on the cranky side (another post)
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Can I breathe?
Today I received a compliment about one of my boys. They had notice his growth and his maturity. WOW this is the child I am constantly feeling like I struggle with and hope and pray he will mature...
I worry about his future, is there hope are we going in the right direction, what else can I do??
Well I guess we are doing the right thing. We are learning to balance what needs to challenged and when to rescue. Knowing all the hard work you are doing in rasing a child with an invisible diability is working... makes you breathe.
We will have constant struggles and hurdles, but know you are headed in the correct path or it seems make it great. I heard this awhile ago by another parent of an ADHD child, so we keep chopping away at it.
Breathe, breathe breathe breathe...
I worry about his future, is there hope are we going in the right direction, what else can I do??
Well I guess we are doing the right thing. We are learning to balance what needs to challenged and when to rescue. Knowing all the hard work you are doing in rasing a child with an invisible diability is working... makes you breathe.
We will have constant struggles and hurdles, but know you are headed in the correct path or it seems make it great. I heard this awhile ago by another parent of an ADHD child, so we keep chopping away at it.
Breathe, breathe breathe breathe...
Monday, June 4, 2012
Summer is Coming
Today is our last day of school!! Yeah. Hopefully our summer will be fun even though it will be short and sweet. We have our pool pases but with this weather don't know if we will be using. We will be traveling a lot to WI to check up on my sister and my dad.
This is the summer for my dad without my mom. Kind of sad, but the season changes are hard on him. I am hoping he makes it through the first year. He has his ups and downs and he is opening up in many ways and my sister's are able to make a new connection to a man I knew. I worked with my father and spent many hours with him that I learn how to hear him. My sister's did not. They are learning now and is nice to see.
I hope I post enough this summer to keep track of the lovely little moments we tend to frustrate over only to discover later it was nothing. Yet, to charish the wonderful moments we have.
We traveled to WI so the boys could attend a football camp with the Green Bay Packers. We had a great time and the boys really enjoyed it. We stayed overnight and in the night I heard Brandon making noises so I went to him and pick him up to take to the bathroom.... as I scooped him up my little guy cuddled into my arms and still so much asleep said "I lover you mommy." How sweet is that.
Brandon is growing and having his growing pains, but moments like this..... melt your heart.
Post pictures soon.
This is the summer for my dad without my mom. Kind of sad, but the season changes are hard on him. I am hoping he makes it through the first year. He has his ups and downs and he is opening up in many ways and my sister's are able to make a new connection to a man I knew. I worked with my father and spent many hours with him that I learn how to hear him. My sister's did not. They are learning now and is nice to see.
I hope I post enough this summer to keep track of the lovely little moments we tend to frustrate over only to discover later it was nothing. Yet, to charish the wonderful moments we have.
We traveled to WI so the boys could attend a football camp with the Green Bay Packers. We had a great time and the boys really enjoyed it. We stayed overnight and in the night I heard Brandon making noises so I went to him and pick him up to take to the bathroom.... as I scooped him up my little guy cuddled into my arms and still so much asleep said "I lover you mommy." How sweet is that.
Brandon is growing and having his growing pains, but moments like this..... melt your heart.
Post pictures soon.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
End of Year
Getting a bit nervous.... Brandon has a major project that is due tomorrow and I have a feeling he won't finish. This will turn his grade from a "C" to a "D". What anger me more is that I thik the project should have been adjusted a bit for him. It has not.
The other child has decided to be a smart mouth with one of the teachers and got written up. I am not happy with this but he is a yacker at the end of year. He is a talker in the classroom but man it gets worse at the end of year.
The other child has decided to be a smart mouth with one of the teachers and got written up. I am not happy with this but he is a yacker at the end of year. He is a talker in the classroom but man it gets worse at the end of year.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
School fun or not
Brandon came home the other day and said there was a fight at school during recess. I said oh really and he said "yes and everyone got suspended but me" Why were you not suspended? "I don't know." Were you involved? "no, it was between Taylor and Mason" and so it explained why he wasnt'. We carried on a conversation of what happenand and other boys names were mention and no clear reasoning of anything. He said he was called into the conference room to give his verson and Mrs. "P" let him go because he was not involved.. But some kids were suspended. So we left it at that and I knew he would be out of sorts but he was done talking about it.
Now here is where a FAS child needs help and guidance. We got home and we started homework and Brandon was mad at everything. I mean everything. He didn't have the right pencil, he didn't understand his homework, he got mad at his brother. He would not let Josh and I talk together, he was in a state of anger. So I made him sit... ( this was not done calmly I must admit). I was at my wits end.... and I had enought because I knew I could not reach him. So he sat, and after a while I recieved a phone call. A friend asking me to play bunko (?) and she asked me how Brandon was. I was like he was upset why?? Well it turns out at some point during the recess fight Brandon was down on the ground and he had wood chips kicked in his face...
Now I can understand why my child is upset. He is hurt. I knew he was hurt before but asking what happen didn't involve my child but it did. So now I go and ask him about the wood chips. He said Mason flipped him when he was angry and kicked wood chips in his face. HORRIBLE so my son was involved and hurt and I received no phone call. I am mad. I tried to find out from Brandon what has happen and his story keeps changing... at one time he was flipped then he flipped someone, more kids are involved... I can't really keep track. Even calmly starting over the story changes.
So when Don gets home, I have him talk with Brandon while I go to soccer practice with Josh. When I get home Don has let Brandon vent for 40 minutes and he knows nothing more except Brandon had seem to have moved on and they tried to do homework and Brandon was emotionally gone. Brandon has obsessed over this for so long he can't seem to focus on anything else.
So I give him a bath and treat him like a baby. He has emotionally gone to that level to feel secure, this is fine by me. He is unable to complete anything so a calm bath, treating sweetly like a baby and a snuggle in bed calms him. He can go to sleep.
The next day I email the principle and this is what I recieved:
Does this help? Not really, except we believe Brandon knows all the kids involved.. and he is troubled by their lack of friendship he doesn't know how to cope. Was he flipped by the boy? I don't think so, I think he dramatically fell to the ground during the altercation and while the kids were shuffling around chips got on his face. Because at some point, when the noon aides arrive he was able to walk away with another friend. He was at the sideline, not directly invloved...and as he was trying to tell us what happen he was all the other kids involved. He cannot put what happened into the right folder of his brain to grasp what is happening. Learning how to handle this takes lots of patience and lots of practice to understand.
Now here is where a FAS child needs help and guidance. We got home and we started homework and Brandon was mad at everything. I mean everything. He didn't have the right pencil, he didn't understand his homework, he got mad at his brother. He would not let Josh and I talk together, he was in a state of anger. So I made him sit... ( this was not done calmly I must admit). I was at my wits end.... and I had enought because I knew I could not reach him. So he sat, and after a while I recieved a phone call. A friend asking me to play bunko (?) and she asked me how Brandon was. I was like he was upset why?? Well it turns out at some point during the recess fight Brandon was down on the ground and he had wood chips kicked in his face...
Now I can understand why my child is upset. He is hurt. I knew he was hurt before but asking what happen didn't involve my child but it did. So now I go and ask him about the wood chips. He said Mason flipped him when he was angry and kicked wood chips in his face. HORRIBLE so my son was involved and hurt and I received no phone call. I am mad. I tried to find out from Brandon what has happen and his story keeps changing... at one time he was flipped then he flipped someone, more kids are involved... I can't really keep track. Even calmly starting over the story changes.
So when Don gets home, I have him talk with Brandon while I go to soccer practice with Josh. When I get home Don has let Brandon vent for 40 minutes and he knows nothing more except Brandon had seem to have moved on and they tried to do homework and Brandon was emotionally gone. Brandon has obsessed over this for so long he can't seem to focus on anything else.
So I give him a bath and treat him like a baby. He has emotionally gone to that level to feel secure, this is fine by me. He is unable to complete anything so a calm bath, treating sweetly like a baby and a snuggle in bed calms him. He can go to sleep.
The next day I email the principle and this is what I recieved:
Hello! Yes, I dealt with
the students involved yesterday. My take on it was that there were two
students arguing back and forth. Another student came over to join in b/c
he was upset at the student arguing with his friend. Then, two more students
joined in. Being a total of 5 students involved (not including
Brandon). Brandon somehow was in the middle of it, but not directly
involved. He said he was pushed down (although we couldn’t figure out by
who) and that he was in the woodchips. Believe or not, when we had the
five students in the room (Brandon was there briefly as well), they were
all very honest and clear as to what happened, except for Brandon’s involvement.
They said he wasn’t involved but they weren’t sure how he was there and on the
ground. So, Brandon was sent back to class.
Constant changes
I haven't post in a while and everytime lately when I go to post they are changing things on the website. I don't know if I like the new format to post because I get used to the way things are and I struggle with the changes. However, once I use the new way I am fine, but I am a creature of habit.
Now I know how my kids feel when they think they know how their universe works and it gets changed. I never realized what a creature of habit I was. I also thought I like to go with the wind but I am really learning I don't. so changing my website design it not making me happy right now.
But I think over time I will like it better. Now I am going to see if this posts.
Now I know how my kids feel when they think they know how their universe works and it gets changed. I never realized what a creature of habit I was. I also thought I like to go with the wind but I am really learning I don't. so changing my website design it not making me happy right now.
But I think over time I will like it better. Now I am going to see if this posts.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Easter Sunday
As for the Easter morning.... they loved their eggs. My kids (one does not) eat candy that often, it is not a big deal and the other can physically use the extra calories but the sugar is WHOA too much. So instead of a lot of candy I ended up putting in notes that I had typed up for the kids to use. They pulled out these white strips of paper that said such things as...... such as 10 minutes of basketball with Dad or Mom, a lunch with dad (home or away), a piece of candy or gum at the check out when we go to the store, some wii time during the school week, an ice cream at McDonald's or a trip to the dollar store where they can use their own monies, extra reading time with mom or dad, and some extra cuddle time with mom.
Josh got on the band wagon right away. He wanted to know if it had to be a lunch with dad and ended up going out to breakfast with his Dad and got some alone time. Loved the idea of going to McDonald's when he was ready. He really enjoyed them and still can enjoy them for awhile. I think Josh was afraid he wouldn't be able to use them so he was rushing to get them all in at Easter.... we reminded him he had all the time he needed to use them.
The start of EAster break was ... welll not so pleasant. We had to work with the boys in reguards to appreciating what we have and how to respect each other. Seems to me around the holiday they get a bit greedy and forget the true meaning of what we are celebrating for. A few extra directions from Mom and Dad and I know the respecting each other was appreciated by all.
When school gets out, they tend to forget that they can still be respectful to each other and it isn't a quest to see who can get the other upset. They treat each other so disrespectful that we had a few practices on how to talk to each other. It really starts at home. And they really do admit it is easier and not that difficult to be respectful... just some reminder practice. :)
Josh got on the band wagon right away. He wanted to know if it had to be a lunch with dad and ended up going out to breakfast with his Dad and got some alone time. Loved the idea of going to McDonald's when he was ready. He really enjoyed them and still can enjoy them for awhile. I think Josh was afraid he wouldn't be able to use them so he was rushing to get them all in at Easter.... we reminded him he had all the time he needed to use them.
The start of EAster break was ... welll not so pleasant. We had to work with the boys in reguards to appreciating what we have and how to respect each other. Seems to me around the holiday they get a bit greedy and forget the true meaning of what we are celebrating for. A few extra directions from Mom and Dad and I know the respecting each other was appreciated by all.
When school gets out, they tend to forget that they can still be respectful to each other and it isn't a quest to see who can get the other upset. They treat each other so disrespectful that we had a few practices on how to talk to each other. It really starts at home. And they really do admit it is easier and not that difficult to be respectful... just some reminder practice. :)
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Family Vacations
Don and I are in the process of trying to figure out our family vacation for this year. We wanted to go to Disney but the castle's weren't going to be complete that we decided to wait. Now it just seems everything else is so expensive that it is hard to plan. We keep talking of going to the Smokies but can't settle on a cabin and whether to go in Summer or Fall. It gets confusing and then the prices are just as high!! OUCH
Let's see we are planning on braces for one and tackle football for another and a trip??? Too much to think about and then Don did not want trip insurance and I looked at him and said... lost my mom and my sister is recovering and who knows what could happen and then he said ok. Since a year ago we would not have even believed where we are today. Count your blessings
Let's see we are planning on braces for one and tackle football for another and a trip??? Too much to think about and then Don did not want trip insurance and I looked at him and said... lost my mom and my sister is recovering and who knows what could happen and then he said ok. Since a year ago we would not have even believed where we are today. Count your blessings
Thursday, February 16, 2012
More photos!
I call this "through the years....
This one is called "Headboard I made for the boys - Valentines.... plus the Teddy
Monday, February 13, 2012
singing with the church
http://www.wrex.com/story/16919236/200-singers-perform-at
Boys performed witht he festival of choirs... don't know how long this video will last....
Boys performed witht he festival of choirs... don't know how long this video will last....
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
It is the little things
Last night I went into my son's room while he was sleeping to check on him one more time before I went to bed. I ususally give the boys one more kiss while they are sleeping. As I left the dark room that didn't have a night light on or any music on.... I had a moment. And then I had to stop and think...
When he first came to us, age 2, he would be placed in his crib and we would sing and rock him to sleep, but he would not go to sleep. He stayed awake, part of what he had learn in the orphanage and he was a baby with an on switch./ fear (?).. he took hours to go to sleep. Early childhood told us to leave him alone and he would go to sleep.. :(
Then he was 5 and we had attachment issues or so we thought. I started laying with him until he would fall asleep. I would be with him for hours.... sometimes two hours and sometime as quickly as an half hour. It all depended on his day however, he really could not communicate this too me.
By 7, we gave up and just brought him into our room to sleep. He slept at my side of the bed and when he awoke I would be right there for him. His brother thought this was great and quickly joined the camp out in our room. They stayed for over a year in our bedroom. Two boys felt better sleeping on our floor and feeling safe and happy. Josh even wonder where his wife and kids would sleep.:)
By 9, we moved Brandon and his brother into a sleeping room. They shared a room just for sleep, there were no toys or personal stuff. Just the books they read at night, their radio alarm clocks and a night light to share. They slept in that room and when they would complain about each other we would just say, well you have your own room. This kept them together until they were ready.
He will be turning 11 in March, he is now sleeping in his own room, in his own bed and without a night light or noises. He is sleeping... still have waking up issues (another post) but less and less. He is very proud of himself and so am I. He is growing up.... makes me kind of sad and happy. Yes, Josh likes sleeping in his own room with his own stuff... (but still has a night light) :)
When he first came to us, age 2, he would be placed in his crib and we would sing and rock him to sleep, but he would not go to sleep. He stayed awake, part of what he had learn in the orphanage and he was a baby with an on switch./ fear (?).. he took hours to go to sleep. Early childhood told us to leave him alone and he would go to sleep.. :(
Then he was 5 and we had attachment issues or so we thought. I started laying with him until he would fall asleep. I would be with him for hours.... sometimes two hours and sometime as quickly as an half hour. It all depended on his day however, he really could not communicate this too me.
By 7, we gave up and just brought him into our room to sleep. He slept at my side of the bed and when he awoke I would be right there for him. His brother thought this was great and quickly joined the camp out in our room. They stayed for over a year in our bedroom. Two boys felt better sleeping on our floor and feeling safe and happy. Josh even wonder where his wife and kids would sleep.:)
By 9, we moved Brandon and his brother into a sleeping room. They shared a room just for sleep, there were no toys or personal stuff. Just the books they read at night, their radio alarm clocks and a night light to share. They slept in that room and when they would complain about each other we would just say, well you have your own room. This kept them together until they were ready.
He will be turning 11 in March, he is now sleeping in his own room, in his own bed and without a night light or noises. He is sleeping... still have waking up issues (another post) but less and less. He is very proud of himself and so am I. He is growing up.... makes me kind of sad and happy. Yes, Josh likes sleeping in his own room with his own stuff... (but still has a night light) :)
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Life goes on
It seems so long ago that my mom passed, and yet it was only one week ago today. We have had the funeral and sent the thank yous and now life goes on. Today is really the first day that I can sit alone and think of the past week. I cry and get sad and then it is like she is still here.
My mom and I used to talk on the phone all the time. I would give her an update of my boys and all that has been happening. I lost that phone privileged last summer when she no longer wanted to talk. She didn't have the energy and she just got tired of saying... I am sitting around in pain. I could call once in awhile and update but it wasn't the same. I realized over the past week she had stop looking at my emails since October, she had no strengthed to go to the computer room and open up her mail. Was it because she had no physical strength or mental strength I don't know.
But from the holidays on, she looked tired and worn out, sad and calm. She was ready to go to the Lord. She had no more strength in this world. The person who is suffering now the most is my dad. He took great care of her during her illness always believing she would get better. I think somewhere I knew in my heart it wasn't going to be. I just didn't know when it would happen. I can honestly say she did go peacefully and really is in a better place. I think someone gave us a long time to say goodbye. So, I hope whoever reads this, make sure you let the ones around you know how much you care and really appreciate them.
My mom and I used to talk on the phone all the time. I would give her an update of my boys and all that has been happening. I lost that phone privileged last summer when she no longer wanted to talk. She didn't have the energy and she just got tired of saying... I am sitting around in pain. I could call once in awhile and update but it wasn't the same. I realized over the past week she had stop looking at my emails since October, she had no strengthed to go to the computer room and open up her mail. Was it because she had no physical strength or mental strength I don't know.
But from the holidays on, she looked tired and worn out, sad and calm. She was ready to go to the Lord. She had no more strength in this world. The person who is suffering now the most is my dad. He took great care of her during her illness always believing she would get better. I think somewhere I knew in my heart it wasn't going to be. I just didn't know when it would happen. I can honestly say she did go peacefully and really is in a better place. I think someone gave us a long time to say goodbye. So, I hope whoever reads this, make sure you let the ones around you know how much you care and really appreciate them.
After a long struggled ..Mom passed peacefully and will be dearly missed
| Kathryn "Mary Kay" M. Lindsay |
KATHRYN “MARY KAY” M. LINDSAY (NEE: BISHOP) RACINE Surrounded by her loving family, Kathryn “Mary Kay” M. Lindsay, passed away Wednesday, January 25, 2012, at Wheaton-Franciscan All Saints Medical Center. She was born in Monmouth, IL, September 1, 1934, daughter of the late William J. and Mary E. (Nee: Pearson) Bishop. On June 9, 1956 in Monmouth, IL she was united in marriage to Robert E. Lindsay. An avid tennis player, Mary Kay assisted her husband, Bob for over forty years organizing the city tennis programs. She was an excellent seamstress. More than anything, she treasured time spent with her family, and will forever be remembered as a loving and devoted wife, mother, and grandmother. She will be dearly missed. Survivors include her loving husband of fifty-five years, Bob; her children, Linda (Tom) Groose of Glendale, WI, Laura (Scott) French of Racine, Lisa (Don) Sattler of Poplar Grove, IL, RJ Lindsay of Racine; her eight grandchildren, Matthew and Adam Groose, Jennifer, Rachel, and Samuel French, Brandon and Josh Sattler, Nick Lindsay; brother, Richard (Jeanne) Bishop of Monmouth, IL; sister, Doris Reigel of TX; sister-in-law, Patsy (Jim) Glenn of Aledo, IL; nieces, nephews, other relatives and many dear friends. In addition to her parents she was preceded in death by two sisters and four brothers. Funeral services will be held Saturday, January 28, 2012, 11:30 A.M. at Trinity United Methodist Church, 3825 Erie Street, with Rev. Rosiland Dryver-Scott officiating. Private interment will follow at Country Haven Cemetery, Caledonia. Relatives and friends may meet with the family Saturday at the church from 9:30 A.M. until time of service at 11:30 A.M. Memorials to the Northside Food Pantry or to the Racine Public Library have been suggested. A very special thank you to Dr. Michael Mullane and his wonderful staff, and to Wheaton-Franciscan staff, especially the nurses in oncology during her last hours for their loving and compassionate care. |
Monday, January 16, 2012
silly me
We are off of school today and the last two nights or three Brandon' has not slept well. So today I felt that maybe having his ADHD meds all the time was keeping him up or lack of sleep because even if they weren't in his system I think they are...
So far we have had an ok day. A bit of swearing and LOTS OF YELLING, do they go deaf when not on meds?
I say silly me because in some way I think he should be able to control himself... and this is very difficult.
So far we have had an ok day. A bit of swearing and LOTS OF YELLING, do they go deaf when not on meds?
I say silly me because in some way I think he should be able to control himself... and this is very difficult.
Monday, January 9, 2012
Testing the limits
One thing I have learned about a child with FAS is practice practice practice and patience. My lovely son needs to be in the moment to learn something or routinely go over many times so he understands. He is quite smart but very forgetful and impulsive.
We are learning one of the best tools to help him learn is sitting. It sounds so good and terrible. Yet, going to bed is very difficult for him. He is off his meds so he can't think and he gets very impulsive. So we are now making him sit before bed. Basically to clear his mind. He just sits for 1/2 hour. He is in the kitchen (center of the house) and either Don or I are there cleaning or making lunches for the am. He is free to talk to us and engage in proper conversation but he can't hold a toy or read just sit and talk. And if he can't talk respectfully we do not engage in conversation.
So why do we do this? It makes him work his mind, what is on his mind and how to communicate what is on his mind. Everyone needs sleep but he is afraid of sleep... but not afraid of sleep he is afraid of the new day of going to school, what the next day will bring, how bad was his current day and am I a good boy or bad since I get redirected??? So many thoughts going in so many different directions and how do you deal with them when you can't put them into a category for your brain to digest into proper categories due to a disability that you didn't cause can be very frustrating. Just sitting and thinking about it helps, it helps Brandon learn where to put his frustrations and what is really big and what are things he does not need to worry about.
These are things that don't come out of his mouth or thoughts until he sits. At night time they creep in and it is the best time to talk. Or not to talk. We have been doing this for a week and I notice two very important things.... One he complains about sitting yet every night he quickly and respectfully goes to his chair to sit, there is no arguing no fighting, he is a peace doing this. The second thing is during the day... he makes comments about things we have taught him. One example that comes to mind is Brandon used to come home and swear a lot... very disresptful and the other day I had a moment and said a bad word (twice in a day it slipped) and my son very calmly and patiencely said Mom we do not say those words. Which I had agreeed and corrected myself with the help from my son. He is calmer during the day.
Our morning rituals of getting ready are getting better. He is learning he can make good choices with out meds.... it just takes practice practice practice..
We are learning one of the best tools to help him learn is sitting. It sounds so good and terrible. Yet, going to bed is very difficult for him. He is off his meds so he can't think and he gets very impulsive. So we are now making him sit before bed. Basically to clear his mind. He just sits for 1/2 hour. He is in the kitchen (center of the house) and either Don or I are there cleaning or making lunches for the am. He is free to talk to us and engage in proper conversation but he can't hold a toy or read just sit and talk. And if he can't talk respectfully we do not engage in conversation.
So why do we do this? It makes him work his mind, what is on his mind and how to communicate what is on his mind. Everyone needs sleep but he is afraid of sleep... but not afraid of sleep he is afraid of the new day of going to school, what the next day will bring, how bad was his current day and am I a good boy or bad since I get redirected??? So many thoughts going in so many different directions and how do you deal with them when you can't put them into a category for your brain to digest into proper categories due to a disability that you didn't cause can be very frustrating. Just sitting and thinking about it helps, it helps Brandon learn where to put his frustrations and what is really big and what are things he does not need to worry about.
These are things that don't come out of his mouth or thoughts until he sits. At night time they creep in and it is the best time to talk. Or not to talk. We have been doing this for a week and I notice two very important things.... One he complains about sitting yet every night he quickly and respectfully goes to his chair to sit, there is no arguing no fighting, he is a peace doing this. The second thing is during the day... he makes comments about things we have taught him. One example that comes to mind is Brandon used to come home and swear a lot... very disresptful and the other day I had a moment and said a bad word (twice in a day it slipped) and my son very calmly and patiencely said Mom we do not say those words. Which I had agreeed and corrected myself with the help from my son. He is calmer during the day.
Our morning rituals of getting ready are getting better. He is learning he can make good choices with out meds.... it just takes practice practice practice..
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
OK I will try - Photos
I was told to put more photos.... here goes
Lego Police Station
Christmas Morning at our house
Family photo at Grandma's
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